there are presumably two options. to have symptoms because of the trauma i endured, or to have trauma due to my persistent symptoms. i believe it's the latter. my therapist disagrees. am i gaslighting myself into thinking i'm the problem? am i trying to lessen the blame that i tried, for so long, to place on my family?
God, i hope not. i hope i'm stronger than that. But, i also hope i'm right. i hope my trauma didn't cause this. for multiple reasons.
i don't want to be merely the result of such terrible people. if they even are.
the trauma must have started very early , as my symptoms did. as early as i can remember. and that is heartbreaking.
it wasn't that bad... or was it? i dont remember. to gaslight or to not gaslight. its a fun game.
I believe, with my whole being, that i am autistic, and the sole reason i have trauma is because it went undiagnosed and untreated for the entirety of my childhood, and my family didn't understand my big emotions. A long winded way of saying, it's no one's fault.
And that is hard to come to terms with. There being no one to blame.
I tried, so hard, to feel anger towards my mother and brother. but it's not in my nature to hold a grudge, to embody anger. it's not me and it's eating me alive.
I don't chose forgiveness. But i do choose to move on, protecting myself, to not rekindle, but to create a new fire of a different kind of love. an intrinsic love, that i know i have the space for with Karen.
I'm so scared of not being autistic, of not having something to blame. I just want the validation that i dont recieve, except for within my relationship.
She notices. She provides. She loves. She accepts. She validates.
And i have infinite amounts of gratitude for that acceptance, love, validation. If it weren't for her, i would be so lost, and so confused, and so scared. I've always been scared. But not with her.
