thought dump;

[mementomemoriess]

old

-

I fantasize myself sitting draped on your thighs, embracing you with my legs wrapped around your back. I’m holding your face, staring into eyes I no longer recognize. Yet I can trace your face to its entirety, every mole, wrinkle, every detail from the stain on your tooth; at least to the face I once knew.  I imagine all the things I want to say to you in every emotion I pull out from within me. The truth is I feel every emotion towards you hate, disappointment, resentment, unconditional love. Some days differ from others and the slightest rumor or sight of you can send me off the deep end into what feels like flight or fight with the pulsing of my heart. 

I want to look you in the eyes and express to you the level of pain you’ve drawn out for me. I want to scream at you for allowing me to be vulnerable, my most vulnerable raw self. You took my secrets and pryed them out like teeth in the fickle fleeting promise of being my one true forever. 

Forever, end game. 

I want to be angry at myself for allowing myself to hand off the unshared parts of me, I swore I would keep within. I want to turn back time be a force that reminds myself the damage that comes along with being vulnerable. 

I avoided you when we first met. I never even allowed myself to romanticize any kind of idea with you. The truth was I was smarter than you in the beginning, more experienced, legible of people and their relationships to themselves as well as others. I knew you were someone incapable of ever loving someone like me; who loves so ferociously. Yet I allowed myself to play your game, in the beginning I tried my best to remain head strong, your promises and prying are what captured my guard. I had yet to have someone crave my vulnerability, desire me without the shell who gave me my tough exterior. 

Yet I look back through the moments of love you showed me I can’t help but feeling like a conquer. It’s what I was in the beginning to you, always a idea of person but never was I thought of as a person. So it was easy for me to avoid you. Now I’m back in square one and I fixate on every time I chipped away at the exterior that has protected me for so long. 

When I love I love unconditionally. It will always be my largest weakness and strength. I am capable of these grand amazing loves where I offer myself up as sacrifice because when you are in love nothing feels grander on this earth. 

Love with you was like nothing on this earth. 

Yet love with you also meant so much sacrifice. I love you still unconditionally. I look to you and through all the resentment and grudges I hold onto; which I so desperately wish to let go of. I am outweighed by unconditional love. 

I gave you every crevice of my being. You consumed every aspect of my life, I wanted you to. Nothing felt better than you. Nothing hurt better than you. Nothing killed the numbness better than you. 

I used to idealize how life was before you. I knew with this new found vulnerability could potentially mean heart break. I never knew it meant or could feel like what I feel now. 

I love you 

I love you 

I love you. 

Yet truly 

I hate you for leaving me in this shatteredness. This damage. 

You took me a damaged soul, you took my trauma and held in your hands and made me feel beautiful for experiencing the very things that made me, me. You promised me with my new found vulnerability came weightlessness. 

Now I’m floating around without care, sense, or direction. 

My exterior is gone and I give myself to anyone, never in the way I ever gave myself to you. 

I don’t even know if I’m capable of that anymore

The truth is the end feels soon. It’s been six months of this. I’ve had six months of bearing this. I’m still not ready. 

I’m rambling now I’m upset.