MemoryLane

Incoherent whining

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Lmaoooo it’s been a while I was over him 🤣

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I don't think anyone I know saw me cry this year. I'm good at being socially acceptable

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Self-pity cry 101, why am I such a clingy idiot

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Self-pity cry #100

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Wonder if he got help. I think in his case some good counseling would be beneficial

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Time always makes me forget the pain, but once I remember how things actually are it gives another wave, like it happened just now. I guess living in an illusion is something my brain programmed to do as a defence mechanism

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But he's back, I hope he will never leave now, hope he can find strengths to let other people in and let them help him. Because the truth is that everyone loves him and want him to be happy. I don't know what's my role in this, I would understand if he never wants to talk to me or even get reminded of me, I would leave if that means he is better off.

Wonder how do I understand what he wants, I don't want to be hit with the no response as usual and make it all even more awkward

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It's been a while since I cried

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So I tried an actual dildo today. For sure I don't need a bigger size as this one is quite big already and "hell, that was awesome!" i came like 3 times. More fun times ahead. I didn't even try half of what I bought :))

Finally becoming an adult and learning that I don't need to wait for something or someone to do what I want

Also, doesn't matter how many rubber dicks you get fantasies about people you want will be still in place. Seeing him online after that evening of orgasmic bless was awkward, felt like guilty for objectifying a guy.

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I miss it, i miss that person

If i got another chance i would be more demanding in terms of honesty. i would know what’s up. i wouldnt be afraid to step over the boundaries because they shouldnt exist if you fully trust  

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Love And Truth

Love And Truth, a song by Mother Mother on Spotify

Basically all i want 

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Nao mood

Happy, a song by Nao on Spotify

She is so good 

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Listening to Kendrick while staring at the open window on the 5th floor this warm Sunday summer evening. I'm feeling alright for some time

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I've added this a while ago I believe because of some recommendation of jazz music from somebody online and a week ago it came up when I was going to my home town with a train early Saturday morning. As listening on shuffle sort of desensitizes a bit I was struck by this song. It's so honestly hopefully humble. It's a complicated combination of emotions. It also talks about knowing the other person, which is like my biggest concern. The melody is kind sounding and absolutely gorgeous. I love it. These two songs touched me, so now I have to watch the movie. Synecdoche New York

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Back to normal scheduling, crying every day as a norm. I just want to be happy

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Basically it described everything I was thinking about for almost an entire year. I thought I escaped it, I really thought so, with the most special person and I was naive like a child, turned into someone I was laughing at before because I knew it's hardly possible. I want it so bad, it might be my biggest wish

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Why do I want it so bad, fucking nature. This is retarded that it's the only thing we exist for technically.