i don't really have the will to blog about my relationship much anymore. i'll try to add in some snippets, for my own posterity (memory is hard these days!)
part of me is simply embarrassed now that he has a newborn child, and part of me is chronically exhausted by every other facet of life... which also concerns the relationship... since we work together.
the predominant and lingering themes of the last three weeks have been despair, sorrow, and, poignantly, anger. there's genuinely no other relationship i've ever been in, whether that be platonic, familial, or romantic, that has made me feel so chronically misunderstood.
there have been some difficult revelations as of late—i've come to the understanding, entirely by coincidence, that his past mistreatment of me, including his combative disregard to my expressed hurt... is collateral from his relationship with his wife.
yes: when his wife treats him poorly, manipulates him, exerts control over him, etc. (which is a daily occurrence) he then takes that dynamic along when he's with me. i've been a proxy to his marriage woes this entire time.
how was this discovered? apparently, while his wife's mother and sister were visiting, they both made comments to her that she was too controlling towards him, just out of pure observation. her response was to actually self-reflect and cease that behavior (at least temporarily). as she relented on him, he, in turn, relented on me.
he has treated me noticeably better in the last couple weeks. he also drew the same conclusion that i did as to why his behavior had so suddenly improved, entirely on his own and without any prior collaborative speculation with me.
this... hurts. from the very beginning, i have been collateral to his wife's wavering moods. i already knew this, but now it's undeniably substantiated... and he can see it, too.
worse, he shelters and facilitates her behavior. that is just how their dynamic is, and seemingly always will be.
on an unrelated note, but in keeping with snippets of documentation: i found out he did not lie about his wife knowing of his prior trysts and relationships. i read a message that almost entirely confirmed that she knew the true circumstance of our relationship, and compared it to all the other women he had been with while they were still together.
i should have as little sympathy for her as i expect for myself. she said it herself: "i guess i was the only one stubborn enough to stay with you." (something along those lines.) because- yeah. she knew what he was like... and she still expected him to change, without evidence.
(hmmm- is that the most ironic sentence Of All Time?)
i was shocked when i read that message. i had thought he'd just lied to me- no- i was absolutely convinced he lied to me, because her outraged, controlling behavior made no sense within his narrative.
in the beginning, he told me that their relationship had a history of being open, and that his wife would be fine with us being together. but, well, she wasn't. she flipped the fuck out. i was convinced he must be lying, because surely if she had been aware of the other women, she wouldn't have such an intense reaction towards yet another one.
but nope. she knew the whole time. she knew what he was like. so i don't understand why she bloody hates me so much, but not him. i was convinced he was lying, to give her the benefit of my understanding and sympathy. but no... she's just... sort of irrational about everything, i've come to learn.
i used to have a lot of sympathy for her since i didn't know her, didn't believe his word, and had nothing else to go off of, but... the more i discover about her... the more i just think she is an unsavory person, to say the least.
he told me the other day that he fears if he doesn't do as she says, then she will neglect their children in response. i just-... like, i fucking- i don't even know what to say to that! that's insanity! for however rational or irrational that fear may be, the fact that he sees it as a possibility is concerning! that is an immensely powerful line of thought that could control the actions of anyone.
this is all just fucked, right? what the hell am i doing in the middle of this? sometimes i feel bad for him. but... damn, i don't know if i can help at this point. i stand by my earlier assessment that she has brainwashed him. you can't help anyone out of that, unless they themselves genuinely, truly want out.
he doesn't. that is clear. he just wants to soothe and placate her.
shortly after the birth of his child, i attempted to break up with him. this time i didn't bother with words, or typing—i went straight to paper. in all previous confrontations, audial and digital conveyance had yielded naught, so i hoped that my dedication and sincerity to my course and concerns could be better represented with pen and page.
as i took myself over to the office, alone, i worked up the courage to commit to severing. i did what i knew would trigger me further and read his messages with his wife, still logged in on our shared workspace pc.
i read something that i knew since the beginning—he was still proclaiming me to be someone he didn't want, just someone who helped him. this is the rhetoric he would tell me to my face in the beginning of our relationship—that being with me made him better for his family. i already knew this.
i know he's operating under concealment when he speaks to her, to preserve being able to come see me, but the significance in the undermining cannot be downplayed. after all, he was fairly honest in telling me this exact reasoning for being with me.
i would hope that being together for 6 months now would add some significance to our relationship... but with that, i'll neither say nor proclaim anything further.
the overarching, all-encompassing point of information regarding his other relationship is that he is largely submissive, and seeks only to appease.
to reiterate the opening musings: i am embarrassed. this relationship embarrasses me. i know i am vastly undervaluing myself by continuing to let him treat me with such disregard, in stark contrast to how he treats others. i treat him with such deference and willingness to help, and all that gets me is further walked on—not appreciated.
so i've been quiet online lately. to quote billie eilish: "i don't talk shit about you on the internet, never told anyone anything bad, 'cause that shit's embarrassing, you were my everything and all you did was make me fucking sad."
anyway... i'm busy, and outside of that business, i'm simply... unhappy, uninspired, and unmotivated. the bad lingers into the good.
yeah. i'm so, so... unhappy.
sometimes i don't even know why. it feels as though so much damage has been done, and circumstances are so constrained, unchanged, and unmoving, that i can no longer feel anything but that resulting weight, getting heavier and heavier. any additional weight, even just the size of a pebble, topples me from my already over-encumbered load, which is a daily occurrence at this point.
there's not a day that goes by without something going wrong—without him doing or saying something triggering that dredges up our past issues—and i no longer have the room for grace. how long can i put up with it all?
he doesn't seem to understand that. he doesn't understand why smaller things hurt more now than they used to, because he only understands when it affects him. like, he says he can no longer tolerate it when i walk off when he's bulldozing me with misunderstanding, wielded like a weapon, but i only walk off because i can't take it anymore, and even that... he makes about himself.
i know for a fact that we're not compatible as people. i have no doubts on that anymore. i just... don't know why i'm holding on as if it will change. fundamentally, idealistically, practically—the understanding and similarities between us are so scarce that it only leads to more problems.
it seems like we can't even talk to each other about anything beyond surface-level anecdotes without it turning into a conflict, minor or major.
i can hardly even see him through the myriad of shatters and cracks in our connection sometimes.
i've never felt so alone in my entire life.
annaxmalina
dededos
blakekathryn
stormborns
germansingergirl
izzy806
baratheonpilled