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17 January 2016

How easy it is to not write. A day passes. And I intend to. I don't. It's all good. I know exactly what I want to write. I'll get it down tomorrow. No problem. Another day passes and I don't even think about writing. Two days. Third day, it's top of mind. Major priority. There's no way I don't write today. Impossible. And I'll record my thoughts from the last four days. I don't that day. Four days. By day five, I began to question if I'm a writer at all. Day six. Work overwhelms me. It's now the Lord's day and I haven't wasted the Lord's gift.

11 January 2016

Every day is a little different. Today I wore armor. I spoke up more. I was firmer. It was a better day. My school needs me to be more. I am trying. Slowly stretching, twisting, and bending. Can I be happy in this state? I don’t know…

10 January 2016

Today I am really thinking about how I move through this world. I barely write. I don’t read much. I am out of sorts with the news. My mind was designed to do those things. I feel like I am walking backward. Regressing. Something just feels off. I never questioned my work in education. It’s right. My work with kids just feels more important. The plan was that I would get back to writing some day, BUT it’s been 8 years now...

What’s a n*@@a to do?

7 January 2016

Enough is enough. But your enough isn't enough. But for them they haven't had enough, not nearly enough. It can be overwhelming.

2 January 2016

I had a shitty argument yesterday, but I'd rather have that than be completely silent. The silence is way more hurtful. Yesterday was not a good day.

1 January 2016

A whole year is exciting, but also baffling. Yesterday, I did not know what to do. I wanted to be productive. I wanted to get more rest in before school started up. Shall I watch a movie, workout, write...I ended up doing a hodgepodge of those things. Watched Heroin, Cape Cod, a documentary on HBO. Watched Sicario. Read a chapter or two in Number the Stars for school. Slept. Slept again. Spent some time on Twitter (haven't been on Twitter for a year strong). Goofed around on text. I did not write though. My mind was moving though. Days like yesterday beg the question: what is productive when there are a million possibilities? What is a "good" day? Every man or woman has a different answer. I don't know what mine is.

29 December 2015

Riding the train. Watching it all pass by. My 10-day homestead has ended. So much countryside along this train route. Leafless trees lurch back and forth. It's time to start writing again.

#trains

20 December 2015

We're all lowly servants

18 December 2015

I trust you. I respect you. I love you.

17 December 2015

I am drinking a beer, drinking a beer. Still in my dark hallway, dark hallway. I want my black cloud to leave, please disperse. Get away, get away. My therapist told me I had to deal with my past, face my demons. I don't want to, surely don't. Can't avoid my demons, no running. No escape, exit's blocked. All roads lead inward. The work must be done inside, deep inside. So, excavate I will. Dig, dig.

16 December 2015

I'm walking down a dark hallway. I don't have much to say today.

14.5 December 2015

Girl: Buy me some chips, Mr. Burnett. Me: What do you think I am...rich? Girl: Yah. You drive a car. (Damn)

14 December 2015

I went to a place. A place that was full of strangers. I dreaded the drive to this place full of strangers. I always think about the moment when small talks ends. In fact, all talk ends. And both parties wait for the other to eject. It’s painful in those last moments. Today was none of that. I told jokes. I kept the party going. I ejected when I needed to. Beers were had. Desserts were too and so was pizza, sweet, sweet pizza.

#holidayparty

13 December 2015

I just realized I wrote the same blog twice. Oops. I started reading comics again. I read comics just before my teens. I never committed to one mag. I had a few series I enjoyed: Spawn, X-Men (and spinoffs), and Batman. I also picked up some one-off books to see if I could "discover" a good read. Discovering things has also been an alluring pursuit for me. What I loved about comics then was awesome art. I can remember the pane that shows Bane snapping Batman's back and when wolverine had his skeleton snatched. Now comics are my escapism. I like taking a trip to another world, kind of like my dad. He was a big Trekkie. Before binging was a thing he'd binge watch episodes of the X-Files. I think he thought about a lot of shit and needed a time when he could disengage. It's weird because I would about face if I walked into a room with Star Trek on. Now, I'm reading Saga. Now I'm reading Divinity. Now I'm reading Preacher. Sex Criminals. They're all different worlds. I like taking visits to them.

#comics

11-12 December 2015

I missed a few days. My mind has been moving. I have been thinking, feeling.

Four flights in just as many days, looking for home.

I can remember when I realized New York was home. I was on a return flight and I saw the water. So much water. I saw the stacked buildings. So many people inhabiting those buildings. I remember my physical reaction too.

I released the breath I was holding. My shoulders slumped and my mind unfolded. My internal gps knew I was home. It’s a good feeling to be home. Home is where you are at ease.

Warfare

Before the last word escaped, he knew he had done it again. It was the way she looked off that let him know. Her shoulders would slump, and the life would drain from the room. The sentence just hung in the air.

10 December 2015

Three planes in two days. I want to be home and know it’s home. I’ve been looking for home for a few years and I still don’t know. It’s no longer Chicago. I left Atlanta in 2010. Brooklyn is the closest I have, but can hardly call that home. I have no address there. My current address is in the Big Easy. But it hasn’t become me. My body doesn’t rest easy when I cross its threshold.

I can remember the day that happened with New York. I was flying back. The sun was setting and our flight was in its final descent and the voice in my head said “I’m home” and physically my body said “I’m home.” This wave of relief, comfort maybe, came over me. I want that again.

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