lately ive been wondering why im so hypervigilant at home
i haven't been abused, and i don't really think im in danger or anything, nor do i really have much reason to believe i might be. i think it's just the buildup of a bunch of little things that put me so on edge. things that i wouldn't have noticed or prevented if i wasn't so anxious and aware of shit
the cats would have spent nights outside in the dead of winter if i hadn't listened downstairs and heard my dad let them out. the toaster oven that was left on overnight melting shit in the kitchen would've gone unnoticed for hours if i didn't regularly clean up after my dad and whatever drunken messes he makes at night. i never would have known that my mom called the cops on my dad if i didn't listen in to suspiciously hushed whispers (although i do always feel really bad for eavesdropping). just tonight our old dog, that's diabetic and going blind, would've spent the night outside cold if i wasn't awake and aware at 4am. my dad would've pulled the cat's tail too hard if i didn't notice and dig my nails into his arm till he let go, cause he was too fucked up to realize it was in pain. i wouldn't know he tried to sexually assault my mom in her sleep if i wasn't awake then. broken glass would've got left out for hours if i didn't constantly pay attention to what's going on in other rooms of the house.
i don't know if that's reason to be this hypervigilant, or if it's just my anxious brain stringing shit together and making me scared of possible future shit that could happen if i actually relax and tune shit out for once. i don't know. either way it's tiring. i worry about playing my music or show too loud and missing something, or sleeping at the wrong time and being unaware of something bad happening.
i dunno, maybe i'm just being dramatic
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
gamechangershow
2087
tangentwithtanner
gracieabrams
