he’s afraid. he can feel it washed through skin and pressed in, needle-injections racing through bloodstreams; thick and heavy with it. it feels both too hot and too cold when he sees the dark figures, when he sees noa fighting, when he stands still and does nothing, nothing, nothing -
- sees fein try to jump in, and moves out of instinct. hands clasp around forearms, pulls him back for selfish reasons. always selfish, childish, stupid.
needs a grounding. needs a lack of blood, needs something to hold onto to feel like he still can, needs to know that he can stop something from leaving him for the sake of him protecting him again.
(what a train, trainwreck they make of trying to prevent what regrets plague them from happening all over again)
and xavis is not above begging.
“please.” he says, pulling him towards safety, eyes pleading. tries no to flinch too hard at how fein’s words feels like an animal-bite; untamed with too much teeth. tries to ignore how things you hold close will always be things belonging more to the wild than you. tries to ignore how things are meant to be pried away from you, with time.
“she’ll be - they’ll be fine, fein. they both will. i promise. i promise, but i - we can’t guarantee the same. i can’t. please, let’s just go - this isn’t our battle, please - “
try to swallow the bitter taste of why you hold him back for selfish, cowardly reasons.
A glimpse of the acolytes’ robes was enough to bring Merei to a halt. The Empire loved that shade of red. Everything was either as dark as the void or dyed in the blood of the people they killed.
When they get back to Yavin IV they will say that catalyst for everything was the result of thinking of logically. That they were self-aware enough to know their strength and weakness. In the moment Merei was half turned away before they got the order to retreat. The instinct that drove the others forward drew them away.
They crashed into Fein accidentally, but the look in his eyes made it purposeful. The same thing that called him forward was the reason they didn’t look back. He was a foot taller, but they pushed all their weight into him. Maybe if they pushed and pulled together Merei and Xavis could bring down a tower .“Fein, listen to him. We need to leave.”
They had begged and pleaded long enough to learn that the voice of beggars always fell on deaf ears. The fear in their eyes masked by the sternness of their tone. Merei had just gotten him - gotten all of them - it was too soon to let go.
They looked back and forth between Xavin and Fein and said “Trust me.”
