messy mind

  I bleed.My heart bleeds out into the lonely night, and only the yearning for daylight; only the memory of a better day gives me hope…  

[messykessy]

Death is a bitch

I hate that you are dead,

Even in my dreams.

I wish I could at least talk to you in my sleep.

But I can’t.

And that hurts,

So much.

I miss you.

I love you.

Forever!

[messykessy]

You would have turned 30 today

My heart broke into a million pieces.

My life changed forever.

You left.

And you took a piece of me with you.

You left.

Without me.

You left.

Me behind.

And since then I am trying to understand.

I am trying to live on.

I am trying to...

But life without you seems to be impossible.

You were my best friend.

You were the one.

My first kindergarten kiss.

And my first real kiss.

My first love.

My best friend.

But now you are gone.

And I miss you.

You would have turned 30 today.

[messykessy]

I miss you

I miss you - in every little thing I do

I miss your smile,

I miss how you make me smile,

I miss your body next to mine - when I sleep,

I miss coming home to you,

I miss talking to you - about everything and nothing at all,

I miss having you around,

I miss falling asleep in your arms,

I miss your body next to mine,

I miss how your beard tickles,

I miss you so much - my whole body akes for you 

and every fiber of my body wants you back.

“Weil du Heimat und Zuhause bist - weil bei dir mein Heimweh aufhoert.”

#iamyoursandyouaremine 

[messykessy]

second home

I am sitting in a small coffee place close to London School of Economics and you my ask yourself why. I at least ask my self the same question right in this moment. My boyfriend - I am still not used to using the word, it still alianates me - is going to move here in September. And me? I will stay where I am, where I claim to be home. I don't regret my decision of staying in Denmark, but I am afraid of the consequences that might come with it. I keep telling myself that we will make it, that we can survive being a part. I keep on telling him that I will come as often as I can afford. And I will. But will that be enough. He is the place I call home now, it shouldn't matter where we are as long as we are together. So why couldn't I move for him? why couldn't I give this beautiful city a second go and fall in love all over again? - be part of the big city crowd again. I know it's going to be hard - how am I supposed to fall a sleep when he is not next to me, how am I supposed to live alone again? How can I go from a we to a me? I know it's not going to be forever, but when I saw him walking into the doors of LSE I couldn't help but felling like I am loosing him. As he is moving on and I am staying still. What have I done? How do I turn back time? and be more carefree about the future, so I can be with him, move with him, start new, start all over.

[messykessy]

LONDON

“There's a reason I said I'd be happy alone. 

It wasn't 'cause I thought I'd be happy alone. 

It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart,

 I might not make it. 

It's easier to be alone, 

because what if you learn that you need love and you don't have it? 

What if you like it and lean on it? 

What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? 

Can you even survive that kind of pain? 

Losing love is like organ damage.

It's like dying. 

The only difference is death ends. 

This? 

It could go on forever.”

[messykessy]

Nice 14.07.2016

I know you are okay. I know you are safe. Nothing happend to you, And still I can't sleep, not tonight. The thought of loosing you - It's driving me insane, It keeps me awake. I can't wait to hear your voice tomorrow morning again, To make sure you are actually fine, and that I have nothing to worry about. Just stay safe. ♥

[word-stuck]

[messykessy]

The One

I know I love you,

because only the thought of you leaving is hurting me,

and actually saying goodbye physically hurts. 

hurts like hell.

I will miss falling asleep in your arms,

I will miss waking up next to you,

I will miss every little detail,

I will simply miss you,

miss us.

I can’t wait for you to be back,

and until then I am in survival modus. once again.

So come back soon,

because I need you!

[messykessy]

You are strong. You will survive.

I saw your strength. I saw you survive.

We survived. Don’t give up now.

I need you in this world.

I can’t live in a world where you don’t exist.

I can’t, so don’t give up.

Fight!

[messykessy]

I still love...

He didn't broke me, I have scares all over my soul And heart, But he didn't broke me. I survived, And I am even healing. Slowly, but I am healing. He didn't broke me. He made me stronger, Because I seen worse, I experienced worse. I will survive. He didn't broke. I still live, I still love, Unconditionally. He can't break me, Because I am stronger. He can't break me anymore, I won't let him!

[messykessy]

I walked this streets so many times. I walked this streets, their mine.

[messykessy]

Maybe they were right Maybe it's not me Maybe it's them I could sleep while you were lying next to me But I can't sleep while he is lying next to me So how come he is here And you are not How could I let you go?

[messykessy]

Doch tief in aller Elben Herzen wohnt die Meeressehnsucht, die aufzurühren gefährlich ist. #maybeiamnotamermaidafterall #maybeiamanelb?! #boundbythesea #longingisadangerousthing (her: Strandvejen, Århus)

[messykessy]

I don't need much

Det tager ikke meget at gøre mig lykkelig Bare bestige bjergene med mig, Svøm nøgen i hav, Og gå barfodede igennem skovene. Det det. Det alt.

[messykessy]

no better way to start a morning? ! #boundbythesea #andifIdienowitdoesnotmatter #happyhappyme #lifeisfreackingawsomerightnow (her: Marselisborg Strand)

[messykessy]

And I hope Like a fool I still hope That you could change That we could talk That for once Everything is fine And every single time You destroy this hope And by doing so You destroy little pieces of me

[messykessy]

I am surrounded by people in relationships 

those strong healthy ones 

or people who want that 

don’t get me wrong 

it’s not like I don’t want that at all

it just sometimes feels like I can’t have that 

like I am to messed up 

to broken 

to be able to be in a strong healthy relationship  

I don’t want anybody to come near 

to come to close 

to my darkness

I don’t want anybody to drag into my mess 

and by now I am so used to pushing people away 

that sometimes I don’t even realize that I do it