meta log

Documenting my experiences having had meta completed 2016-17 and maybe some other transition-related things.

[meta-journal]

Feeling somewhat depressed tonight thinking about my circumstances, how being trans has impacted me, what possible situations I might find myself in and how they’ll be painful because I may have to disclose/my transsexuality is relevant, etc. 

I’m trying to focus on how much better things have gotten for me in recent years but it’s still very hard for me to accept that these were the cards I was dealt sometimes. There’s definitely days where it doesn’t consume my mind nearly as much as it used to and those are definitely my better ones, but there’s also days and opportunities which arise that remind me of my medical history and unfortunate circumstance.

This is also where being stealth makes it hard to vent/get support, and also my general just wanting to not surround myself with trans-related media anymore, but sometimes I just need a place to complain.

[meta-journal]

Been a while since I’ve posted (6 months) which I think is a good sign.

Some updates with me:

Nothing to really report in terms of meta/healing. Just happy to feel “normal” and live my life with a cock and balls, lol. I still have some issues with urinating/urethra stricture but I’ve kind of given up on it because it’s just too exhausting to deal with and I’m not really as bothered by having to sit to pee most of the time, though I do get frustrated/upset whenever I want to be able to use a urinal or stand to pee and know that if I try, my stricture will cause me to end up peeing on myself. It is something I’d like to take care of still, but it isn’t really a huge priority for me and I’ve been able to manage ok despite it. I just passed my 3 years post-op first stage mark back in May which is kind of crazy to think about. I’m so glad and fortunate to not have to feel the way I did prior to surgery anymore, though if I’m being honest, it’s very hard for me to recall how I felt before now.

One of the biggest and most unexpected things is that I’ve been in a relationship now with a guy who I really love and enjoy being with and am very happy/fortunate to have met him, fortunately not in any sort of hookup or app context either which is what I craved for years and assumed nearly impossible. Anxiety about relationships and getting into one, ethical/moral debate about disclosing, fearing nobody could be with me/love me and see/treat me as a cis man, etc. were all-consuming thoughts for me and it’s a bit surreal for me to think now that those thoughts are barely on my mind anymore. I hope that that could give some people hope re: relationship prospects.

I don’t think much about trans-related topics/media anymore, so I think my initial worries and also years of assuming that I could never move past thinking about transition (even years post-op) were appropriate at the time but since being in a relationship and having the validation(?) that I would be unable to access any sort of relationship again due to my medical history, those prior concerns and anxieties have diminished rather quickly. I sometimes think though about how quiet my life is and how rare being trans plays into any of it now - it kind of irks me needing medical check-ups regarding hormones because that’s really the only time I have to think and talk about it with someone but if I only have to deal with it once every 6 months then I think I’m in a good place.

Slowly I’ve found myself connecting more with and resonating more with experiences of cis men with micropenis conditions or infertility etc. than trans experiences. I kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a Venn diagram in terms of my experiences and existence - overlapping with some of the transsexual aspects and aforementioned cis ones which makes me feel isolated in terms of where support for me can be acquired but I don’t think I need it as much anymore.

I still intend to keep this blog as an archive and to be able to answer questions but with time assume that I just won’t really think about it much anymore. Who knows. There are some things about post-transition life that still get me and scenarios that I’m anxious about dealing with since I don’t know how I’ll navigate them but I’ll cross that bridge when I get close to it.

All in all, my life has been much better and content and fulfilling, which I never expected to this degree at all six months ago.

[meta-journal]

I want to preface that even though this blog was created with the intention of documenting my lower surgery experience, since that process has more or less finished this has become a space for me to share my thoughts and frustrations with life as a post-transition person. I think it’s important in some ways to get context and also hear about life beyond transition, that there’s far more to this process than just surgery which isn’t discussed a whole lot. I hope in the future I can bring more positive updates to the table, to which I’m working on.

Regardless, I’m still struggling with adjusting my priorities in life and finding meaning in life after transition. For the past 6 years my goals and ambitions were all centered around transitioning and reaching medical goalposts. Nothing else really mattered as much to me and my life outside of transition often felt like passive living. Sure, I’m working on a degree and developing the blueprints for my future but I’ve felt like I’ve been on autopilot until somewhat recently.

I wonder when I’m going to gain the confidence to actually “live”, i.e., not let trauma from transition and the emotional labor consume me anymore. Before I had metoidioplasty it was very easy for me to say that post-op life was going to be pretty normal, that I wouldn’t have to acknowledge being trans nearly as much. It’s almost 3 years post my first stage and it’s still very much on my mind, and wonder if there’s some way to consolidate my thoughts, some way to gradually let go and start living without as much reservation. Meeting people romantically/sexually being a huge barrier, and also having close friends while keeping my transition out of the picture without feeling isolated.

I’m graduating college in May and in some ways it’s disappointing that I don’t feel nearly as excited about it as I did when I had meta. I want to start shifting my priorities from medical transition to life beyond it. I think that’s going to be the key in my being able to accept my medical history and move forward but it’s far easier said than done.

[meta-journal]

Disappointing that a lot of my photo posts were flagged, actually I think all my mons resection update photos were. Don’t know where else to archive or post updates.

[meta-journal]

I need to start branching out more in terms of social media and getting away from trans-centric spaces, while maintaining a connection somewhere because for whatever reason, I still want to be able to have a place to discuss things specific to this one issue in my life, but it doesn’t need to be a part of everything I engage with.

This is where I start to feel angry again over how dysphoria/transition has taken up a huge chunk of my life, because I don’t really feel like I’ve been able to establish a healthy social life and many of the things I’ve used over the years have been relating to transition. 

I wish there were more social sites/outlets that catered to my interests, but maybe I just need to start digging more. I’m fortunate that I have a life outside of the internet that doesn’t revolve around transness or even involves it at all, but I do spend a lot of time internet-wise looking at things and involving myself, so finding that balance I think will help me a ton.

[meta-journal]

12/19/18

Mons resection update. Think it’s nearly close to invisible at this point which I’m very happy about.

[meta-journal]

12/10/18:

I think dilation has helped some now that I’ve been doing it for almost 2 weeks - I’ve been able to use urinals again which makes me so happy, after being denied the chance due to complications on and off. I’ve also been using a size 14 fr dilator which is apparently about the normal size used for cis men in terms of catheters etc., so I was pretty wrong in my assumption that my urethra was narrower by default or just because of my limitation in size.

On a more personal note I’ve started therapy in regards to dealing with trauma, a lot of it relating back to transition and carrying the burden of what dysphoria robbed from me - it can be really difficult to the point where I want to quit because it makes me so uncomfortable to talk, but at the end of sessions I feel really relieved. Relating back to facing demons head on, or maybe just coming to the realization that those things that’ve caused me pain in the past can’t continue to dictate my life now.

I’m glad that I’ve found a therapist who has experience to some degree, and understands where I’m coming from, especially when I speak about dysphoria, specifically severe sex/lower dysphoria that really rattled my life to the point where I don’t think I didn’t go a day without some sort of suicidal ideation. It’s something I’ve really needed to work on dealing with now that the big hurdles are over and I’m learning how to adjust to normal life, life post-transition and post-transitional-related traumas. I’ve always been skeptical about therapy because it’s never particularly helped me in the past but now I feel like I’m actually making progress and can feel it and would recommend it for anyone going through something similar.

[meta-journal]

Not metoidioplasty related but I’ve started planning out my chest tattoo and will be getting my first session done in January! My chest has always been a huge source of anxiety for me (not wanting to go swimming, afraid if I’m with friends and we start joking around or I’m in a situation where I want to switch my shirt out or take it off I can’t, seeing cis guys going shirtless and feeling remorseful/angry/upset that I still can’t do that despite having had surgery close to 4 years ago.) 

I was hoping to give the scars more time to heal but I think they’re maxed out now in terms of fading. I’ve spent so much money over the past few years on scar creams, silicone gel and strips, that I decided to start piling the money I’d spend on more of them toward the down payment for a chest tattoo. 

I met with an artist in a different city about 2 hours away, and he has experience tattooing over scars and I trust him based on the work I’ve seen. I’m nervous about him knowing that I’m trans once he sees my chest, but I’m hoping it won’t come up in conversation, and even if it does, I might just try and pass it off as saying I had gynecomastia.

I wish I didn’t need to have a tattoo done but it is what it is and at least once I get my scars covered, I think a lot of my anxiety will dissipate.

[meta-journal]

Been struggling lately with the topic of dating and it has been on my mind more lately. Not that I feel like I’m in a position to date right now, but if and when I decide to pursue it how difficult it’s going to be given intimacy. I struggle with the limitations I have size-wise and am afraid that anyone who wants to date me will simply have to compromise, and that I’ll never feel entirely comfortable.

I haven’t dated ever, and my previous relationship ended over two years ago and I’ve been too preoccupied, nervous, scared etc. to consider dating again.

I don’t think I’d ever get to a place where I could be vulnerable with someone I didn’t feel comfortable around, but I am nervous of the possibility of being naked and the person I’m with being surprised/taken aback by the size of my penis. I know there’s more to sex and intimacy, but it’s still a concern for me nonetheless, and it creates a barrier when it comes to dating that I wish I didn’t have to cross.

I just don’t want to end up in a position where I end up never dating again because of fear, because I feel sexually useless or inadequate. I know I can make it work, it’s more being able to find someone who doesn’t mind and is open as well that fuels my anxiety.

I haven’t heard much re: sex/dating from those who’ve had metoidioplasty outside of people who are in long-term relationships, so it’s been a topic I wish I knew more about or could hear more about from people with direct experience. 

Maybe one of these days I’ll be able to get out of my own head enough for me to just try, ha.

[meta-journal]

I’ve been contemplating posting my results for a while, likely on a private group such as the yahoo ones for lower surgery, as I’ve benefited greatly from those who’ve been open enough to share their results and experiences with others.

I did share my results once before in a semi-private environment and it was positive, but my tendency to paranoia leaves me feeling anxious for some reason. I don’t necessarily think of consequences in terms of it affecting my personal/private life outside of the internet, but I think it would definitely upset me to see my results tossed somewhere with negative commentary even though I think the chances are relatively slim and that it really isn’t as big of a deal as I’m making it out to be. I don’t really know what fed so much into my hesitancy other than privacy, which is valid on its own.

I guess it’s also partially laziness on my part and that, my inclination to stay very private; I guess being stealth for this long I’ve grown accustomed to not sharing and it feels incredibly vulnerable on my part to be open. I even think starting this blog was a significant turning point for me, given that I loathed talking about it and often couldn’t muster the energy to share my experiences when they’ve already drained enough out of me, and I’m generally uncomfortable being open about my history but this space has given me a platform to experiment with the idea of being honest and open - and I think I’ve benefited from it.

I’ll give it some thought.

[meta-journal]

soyfresca-blog replied to your post: I haven’t been here in a minute but just wanted to... Are you using sounds to dilate your urethra?

Yeah, my surgeon’s office sent me an envelope with plastic sounds (probably 8 fr size) and liquid lidocaine.

[meta-journal]

How does someone even go stealth? I’m 19 and a freshman at college, I started T as soon as turned 18, got top surgery at 18, changed my name legally, got my hysto at 19, dress in all men’s clothes of course, have a short masculine haircut, but I just can’t pass. So everyone at college knows I’m trans because I have to explain I’m not a girl. I don’t want to transfer schools because I love my schools but I don’t know how I can ever be stealth now if I can’t even pass.

I more or less lived in isolation after graduating from high school early to start transitioning and basically abandoned that life from before, so when I started college nobody knew anything about my past. I’m fortunate enough to pass, and it’s hard to assess what contributes to someone’s inability to pass w/o a reference point.

Anecdotally I’ve heard from men who didn’t start passing consistently until around 2 or more years on T, and I’m assuming you’re around the 1 year mark? I don’t know what advice to give other than what seems incredibly obvious, like working out if fat distribution might be a hindering factor or wearing clothes that give off a more masculine frame, if you wear glasses even picking a more masculine frame could make an impact etc. Regardless I’m sorry to hear about your predicament. Idk in my experience a lot of people are pretty socially oblivious and if you were to start passing more later in time/further along on T they’d probably forget about meeting you before or your mentioning being trans unless you go to a small school, and even then it’s plausible.

[meta-journal]

I’m also going to throw this out there because it’s been on my mind and it’s somewhat relevant, but.

I went on a short vacation the other weekend and I don’t know if it was simply the change in atmosphere or feeling more adventurous and bold because I was in a different area/away from home, but I briefly signed up for Scruff and chatted with a couple guys - mind you, I’ve been adverse to the idea of using any kind of dating app given my hesitancy in having to deal with my being trans and navigating the waters given my condition, so it was a pretty big deal for me.

Anyway, I met a guy that I ended up really liking, we didn’t actually meet up though before I left but mentioned that if I were back in the area again that we definitely should. I felt nothing but pure happiness given that this was the first time I actually talked with a guy in a romantic context that had no clue about my condition, and I could flirt and talk with him like any other guy, and it only really started to affect me more days after thinking about how if I were to start dating, how I’d navigate coming out (if even,) how much being trans has really fucked with how I go about dating and feeding into a life of loneliness etc. 

I always assumed that after bottom surgery it wouldn’t be nearly as difficult but I still feel the same sort of hesitancy and I’m left wondering how I’ll actually ever be able to date w/o immediately backing out the minute before sex or anything sexual is mentioned or implied. It’s a gut-wrenching feeling and I wish I knew how to deal with it, and a part of me has also been dealing with an odd sort of jealousy over men who can be open about their condition and not deal with as many hang ups, meanwhile I’ve been living single for the past ~two years because of my problems and how much they affect me. 

[meta-journal]

Did you take any time off work after getting implants placed & your mons resected? If so, how much time did you take off?

I think I had my permanent implants and mons resection done shortly after my semester finished so I didn’t have work in mind, though I returned to doing fieldwork around 4 weeks post-op? From what I recall it wasn’t a particularly difficult recovery, probably the easiest of my three stages.

[meta-journal]

I haven’t been here in a minute but just wanted to throw some stuff out there:

- I recently started a dilation process/treatment to try and fix some urethral problems of mine (my surgery in June to remove the skin tag didn’t really seem to help with my inability to stand to pee, so my surgeon suggested I started dilating my urethra to see if that helps at all.) It fucking sucks and feels awkward but I think it’s helping to some degree, which has been a huge relief for me - I was able to use the urinal twice this past week w/o needing the Rod or any sort of assistance and my stream seemed normal.

- mons resection scar is barely visible now and I’ll probably write up some sort of comparison post soon

A huge part of me wants to leave the transition stuff alone now but I hate that it’s still pretty relevant, at least right now, hence my posting here. I’ve been struggling a bit with it especially having to undergo the dilation process and not really being able to talk about it with anyone. But that’s.. stealth issues, I guess, until I get to the point where I finally don’t have to worry about dealing with my goddamn issues which I wish were sooner rather than later.

[meta-journal]

8/23/18:

Not directly related to surgery or surgery talk but now that I’m post-transition technically, I’ve been thinking a ton about dating and how I’m going to go about that process when I finally decide to dip my toes into the pool?

I’ve always been someone cautious, but being trans and dealing with everything that comes with it makes me more apprehensive about getting to know someone on a romantic/physical level where I’m gonna have to be vulnerable and they’re going to find out things about my body quick that nobody else knows of.

I’ve struggled finding resources or reading others experiences, what dating is like for someone post-transition, particularly post-bottom surgery. especially post-metoidioplasty, since I think there’s some differences where I can’t really relate with someone post-phalloplasty and their dating experiences just because of different aspects and technicalities. a lot of the time too it seems post-meta guys have been in long-term relationships, with the same person before they had surgery.

I keep desiring a relationship where my partner doesn’t know about my history other than my having a medical problem that’s now resolved, I don’t want to ever ever mutter the word “trans” out of my mouth (unless I’m talking about a transmission or referring to transitional in terms of time...) but a small part of me also wonders if it would ever get to me over time not being able to talk about what I’ve gone through, or being somewhat secretive about something that had a pretty major impact on me. I’m also stealth and prefer to keep it that way, so I’m also fearful of coming out to a partner or date and having that information possibly get out somewhere, six degrees of separation and all that. I don’t know. There’s a lot for me to sort through and it’s incredibly exhausting.

I also just wonder too if in the hypothetical situation where I don’t come out to someone, if my penis/overall body would pass for cis. Maybe 10 years ago I wouldn’t be as wary, but now, I’m more scared that it isn’t as feasible given visibility and increased awareness.

I’ve contemplated just not dating but it seems so incredibly unfair given everything I’ve gone through that I can’t have a “normal” experience like having a romantic/sexual relationship with someone just by virtue of being trans, meanwhile other men can. I can’t think about it too much without feelings of resentment bubbling up to the surface.

Perhaps I’m overthinking all of this (and its probably incredibly likely that I am), but hearing others experiences would probably help me out a ton at this point since I feel like if I were to start dating, I’d be jumping head first into an ice-cold pool of water with nobody around to pull me out if shit hits the fan or things don’t go as I hope, which is what terrifies me the most, and is the biggest reason why I probably haven’t ventured the dating world at all yet.

[meta-journal]

Too long to quote in an ask but from "having my teenage years and early 20s essentially wasted, stolen away from me due to dysphoria" to "due to my missing out on developing and fine-tuning those skills when I was younger. I’m still bitter about it, but I’m trying to work through it." - Fucking s a m e glad there's others who "get" that feeling. (Although it sounds wrong to say because i'd never wish it on someone. If that makes sense?) I'm almost done too now though, so then. To the future :)

Nah I get it. I wish nobody had to go through any of this either, but it’s definitely less isolating to hear when others can relate. Being stealth I don’t really get to talk about these things (not that I want to, but I don’t really have an outlet, I guess is what I’m trying to say?). There’s this fuckton of struggle I’ve gone through and I can’t really talk about it. 

I will say, and I was reflecting on this earlier, the feelings of having my childhood robbed from me or missing out on male experiences growing up don’t get under my skin as easily as they did years ago. I really think bottom surgery and just being able to move on with my life as a man has kind of lessened the impact of my past, or what I missed out on. I’m still bitter though that I can’t/didn’t get the chance to really experience my teenage years as a guy, or be able to date or do things without this constant, calculated way going about it. It’s something that’s kind of fucked with how I process things and has made me a really cautious, anxious person when it comes to things most people don’t really think twice about. Like, say if a friend wants to invite me over for a party, my mind goes “Will there be a time when I might be using the bathroom and someone might walk in on me and see something?” or, “if there’s a pool, are we going to go swimming and therefore I’ll have to be shirtless and people might see my scars, or do I opt out from swimming and be the awkward person not going in the pool?” and just.. constant, REALLY exhausting thought processes and shit like that. I don’t ever know if I’ll get over it, but my mind goes through that constant checklist with almost everything, especially if it’s involving being around other people, and in an environment where I have to be aware of my body.

I don’t know if anyone else can relate but it’s exhausting as fuck. The whole calculated way of thinking has really hindered me from wanting to explore dating because I go through the constant mental checklist or envisioning and playing out different scenarios in my head, like if I should come out or not, if I can date someone without them knowing I’m trans, if my penis could pass for cis, if I can explain why I can’t ejaculate/produce semen w/o resorting to transsexuality, if my scars are explainable otherwise, etc etc.

I suppose that’s more the thing that gets to me than the missed out childhood or early 20s experiences - feeling robbed of the freedom that cis men have in that they don’t have to go through constant, calculated methods and trains of thought to do things, even the most basic, *enjoyable* things.