Stumbeling about

he/him, 22 years, ace/queer/demiboy

[metalsocke]

On being "lazy"

My whole childhood, I was "lazy".

I didn't fight it, because by all things I knew, I really was. I often didn't finish things or only did so right before the deadline expired. I liked staying in bed long into the day. I wasn't into sports. So I must've been lazy, right?

Except I wasn't.

I am autistic and have adhd. I got diagnosed with adhd at age 12, but it was not truly explained to me. My autism is still undiagnosed, but very obvious.

I didn't finish things, because my dopamine chasing brain got distracted, but I was always doing things. My sister actually was and still is in awe of how many things I've tried throughout my life so far (and I'm only 21). I liked staying in bed, because being autistic means that I don't like transitions, especially in winter when my room is so cold in the morning. I wasn't into sports™, but I was a scout and I did ballet and I took the bicycle to get to both of those. I also loved hiking and just running around outside with my friends.

I wasn't lazy. But I didn't know that.

I didn't fight the label, I actually leaned into it. I was defined by being chronically late for several years at school (until I got medication for my adhd, and even after the label stuck). I had my sloth themed socks and my sloth themed coaster that reads "first I'll do nothing and then I'll wait". I still use it, my mug is standing on it right now. But I didn't choose it.

I leaned into it, because if I didn't, then "lazy" would have been an insult. If I claimed it for myself, then it wasn't so it couldn't hurt me. And for the most part that was true.

But now I hate the idea of being percieved as lazy. I hate being late, it reminds me of bad times and makes me anxious, that my reputation of always being late could return. And with it all the other bullying I experienced.

I leaned into it and for the time, that was the right choice, it protected me. But nothing could protect me from the fact, that I didn't choose it, so it could never really be mine. Calling shackles bracelets, doesn't make you free.

Lazyness doesn't exist. Just people who need help.

[143tigershark]

Had a realization this morning.

[metalsocke]

Ok guys, this post did things to me. I was scrolling through Iron Lung Tumblr and saw it among many others. Then, days later the Wilford Motherloving Warfstache video crossed my YouTube feed and I thought "Why not" and put it in my watch later. Then, even more days later I reached the video in the playlist. I had never watched any of Mark's YouTube originals, so I had no idea what to expect.

The video started and for the first few minutes I was genuinely struggling against the amount of goof that Mark was throwing at the viewer. At the point when Abe entered the club I had to pause, because I was getting overwhelmed. I did some other things, might have even gone to get groceries. Then I finally sat back down, braced myself and hit play again.

The rest I watched in one go. My brain finally managed to adjust to the pace of tomfoolery and enjoy it. Then Wilford remembered Abe, started to get inconsistent in his location and I was fully hooked and on the edge of my seat. I understood, what the post had tried to tell me. I also understood, that Wilford's and Abe's world doesn't make sense, because it's a story.

Then I watched the whole of Who Killed Markiplier?, including a rewatch of Wilford Motherloving Warfstache and came to the conclusion, that Abe is in purgatory.

Then I watched Mark's breakdown of Wilford Motherloving Warfstache, where he says that they're in a story and was like "GODDAMIT, I was right in the first place!" Also when he mentioned Soma I realised that I had never watched that let's play, so I paused and went over to Jacksepticeye and watched his entire 7-hour let's play in a single day and then went back to the break down.

I have since written down the script including everything the characters do in the video in painstaking hand labour, because I want to do a prose version for writing practice. There will probably be two versions, one from each perspective, but I'm particularly looking forward to that of Wilford.

I absolutely love that video, it was a several-day-rabbithole and I'm looking forward to throwing myself back in. Wilford is such an interesting character, particularly because, and this is my own interpretation based on my knowledge of him so far, he DOES know that the world doesn't make sense, but he doesn't know WHY. Like, he's so close to breaking the fourth wall, but never really does. It's like he sees it from the inside, but doesn't understand what it is.

Also, in any other world he would be mad, but given that he actually does live in that fictional world that doesn't make sense, his attitude, including towards murder, seems honestly almost sane to me. Very fascinating!

[metalsocke]

So I just watched IRON LUNG for the SECOND time and now I'm on my way HOME to do ART because I am INSPIRED!!!!

[lydia-skyrim]

My thane, have you heard of this new thing they're calling "actually writing instead of browsing tumblr dot com"? I hear it's quite controversial

[arrows2art]

If you have Transitioned or are planning to:

What Anime like Title would your story be?

Mine: The Oracle Said I Would "Transform" but not like this!!!

(Also, if fellow nonbinary)

[metalsocke]

Identity Update: physical adjustments pending

[metalsocke]

german news just called Tucker Carlson a "popular right-wing podcaster". They didn't even mention his name, just said that another guy said [insert thing] on his podcast and I saw the logo in the corner. Oh, the fall from grace is something to behold!

[metalsocke]

This is how it feels, to ask for help as an AuDHD person

[metalsocke]

The Chicken Clique

If everything goes well these might turn into a series

[metalsocke]

RFK Jr. talking shit about autistic people made me mad so I drew this

[moliathh]

integra "im holding his leash i can release it" hellsing and her offputting dog

[dogmanth]

[alucardfan]

Doodles

[metalsocke]

First they came - rewritten

First they came for the disabled

And I did not speak out

Because I was ablebodied

Then they came for the gendernonconforming

And I did not speak out

Because I conformed

Then they came for the binary trans people

And I did not speak out

Because I was cis

Then they came for the gays

And I did not speak out

Because I was straight

Then they came for the people of colour

And I did not speak out

Because I was white

Then they came for anyone who disagreed

And I did not speak out

Because I agreed

And they did not come for me

Because I did not offend

Because they did not touch me

But I wished they came

Because I looked around

And behold: I was lonely

But I wished they came

Because I looked down

And the ground was made of bodies

But I wished they came

Because I looked closer

And they were the bodies of those taken away

But I wished they came

Because I now understood

That I was a murderer

[metalsocke]

Double Trouble is such a dramatic theatre-gay, I love them!

[metalsocke]

Scorpia: "I can't believe I'm stuck in a closet"

[metalsocke]

I'm watching She-ra for the first time and have just reached the point where Glimmer and Bow try to get Adora to relax on the beach.

a true adhd moment for Adora

[xxcosmicaura]

remember kids

Artist 🎨: @vhsdogs