The Necronomiblog

he/him, 20 years old, life is hard and instead of working on it I am posting on tumblr basically inactive

[witchvsworld]

Found this on a coffee machine

[witchvsworld]

Earlier today I voted in our federal election here in germany. I voted via mail and hopefully we will not fall into fascism within the next week. Wish us sanity

[witchvsworld]

the downstairs neighbour is at it again with his fucking techno-shit.

the base is literally killing me

If I ever move out and away from my amazing flatmates, it will be because of him

[witchvsworld]

I was out and a bunch of slightly rowdy boys was walking the same road I was except opposite direction, so coming towards me. There were like five or six of them somewhere around 14 or 15 years old. I am twenty, fem perceived and know that the city I live in is safe. Other people were around. I walked right through the group, but I was terrified. Again, they're like 5 years younger, all shorter and I am wearing boots with steel toes. And yet these boys, literal children scared me. I think part of the fear was that they would bully me for being goth. Not what I was bullied for in school, but I know my old classmates would not have let me get away with wearing a tricone without making fun of me for it.

[witchvsworld]

The supermarket was packed with boys like these and I have some additional thoughts.

Usually being different is my armor. I always feel like people stare at me. Even when I appear completely normal, I feel as if everyone who even so much as glances at me for a second is seeing crucial social missteps and judging me for it. But when I am visually different (i.e. goth) and I see someone looking at me I know they're just looking at my carefully curated outfit, that I am very happy with. I get rid of the fear of being stared at for no reason by giving people a reason to stare.

This doesn't work with early teen boys. I went to school with boys like these and I know what they see on the internet. The terrifying thing about them is, that they have some of the worst and most radical opinions and absolutely zero filter. Nothing happened, but again I got so anxious around them because I know that if there was one amongst them who was just a little too deep in the manosphere, he would not hold back in telling me all about it and what it thinks of me. These boys are taught to hate anything that is different and I am very different.

I imagine they are nastier to girls they know, like classmates, than to any random adult from the supermarket, but that only eases my mind so much. Having headphones on helps, because I can just blend out their conversations and if they talk about me I can just ignore them.

My heart goes out to anyone who has to deal with boys like these on a daily basis. You are stronger than me

[witchvsworld]

today was really good

I read a lot after waking up. I've recently picked up Good Omens and I LOVE it. It is so funny and I simply adore the writing style of Terry Pratchett. I initially only wanted to read for an hour but then the book suddenly picked up the pace and I read for more than two hours and regret nothing.

I also went to meet some friends today. Specifically I went to "Küfa". That is "Küche für alle", german for "Kitchen for everyone". It's a place that offers food for little to no cost. The particular place I went to offers dinner twice a week for 1,50€ and free seconds.

I went there in hopes of meeting friends and I was not disappointed. I'm particularly stoked about reconnecting with one specific friend and am ridiculously happy, that we ended up agreeing to meet more often in the future.

I hadn't seen or spoken to any of these people since at least early december. I'm the kind of friend who will show once and then disappear into the woodwork for months only to come back with a cool hat.

Maybe I can meet up with the one specific friend to do crafts together and continue decorating my tricone.

Also I originally wanted to go to Küfa by bike, but the light is broken and I didn't want to go without light through the dark, especially since it was snowing. So I used public transport instead and was once again reminded why I prefer train over bus.

[xxcosmicaura]

remember kids

Artist 🎨: @vhsdogs

[witchvsworld]

I want to learn how to draw humans better and specifically need practice with the proportions. Without template I always make the legs too short. My current idea is to draw over photos. I'll have to draw freehand to find out if it's working, but this is the most recent (and second) result from this type of practice. The witch is my pfp.

[witchvsworld]

[witchvsworld]

my flatmates are cool

I will refer to them as "H" and "B".

B is pretty cool. He's very jovial and easily excited about things. He is learning to be an educator (someone who professionally watches over kids, not as a nanny but more like a kindergarten teacher or something, it's hard to translate) and is kind of the handiman of the flat. When I came back from visiting my sister for a week he had replaced an entire double shelf situation. He always encourages me to speak my mind on the chaos in the flat, since I seem to be the one who is bothered by it the most. Also he is polish, meaning that sometimes he will be on call with family and I get to hear polish. I love hearing languages other than german (my native language). When I moved in he had never heard of the concept of telling someone their pronouns but was completely accepting (I am a demiboy). When I was sick he would go and get groceries for me and fetched me from the main station. None of us have cars, but he helped me with my luggage on the way to our flat.

H is also really cool. We instantly clicked because we both have adhd. We are often the ones who get up at noon and go to bed at 3am. He knows how to deal with my indecisiveness (which can be crippeling) by phrasing questions in a way that seemingly leave less choices or making specific requests rather than "just get me something like that". He does this on purpose and it really helps. He recently got me to attend a protest that was important to me by rather than asking me if I wanted to come just telling me, that attendance was mandatory. Of course in a joking way, but it made me go. He helped me get an adhd diagnosis (because my old one had somehow gotten lost) and has offered me in the past to help me get doctors appointments. He can cook tasty asian noodle dishes in his wok.

Both of them will occasionally ask the rest of us if we want to order food. If they go to the uni canteen and I don't come along (I am always invited), they offer to bring me something instead. They play their music pretty loud, which can be uncomfortable for me, but if I overcome my anxiety and ask them to turn it down they always do. Fortunately we have a pretty similar taste in music. Both encourage me to speak my mind if the chaos gets too much for me and to scold them for leaving chaos.

I love them both very much and living with them in such a supportive environment has helped me a lot. It is the first time that everyone around me calls me by he/him pronouns and my chosen name (also because I only picked it a few months before I moved in). I never feel judged by them in any way.

[witchvsworld]

I was out and a bunch of slightly rowdy boys was walking the same road I was except opposite direction, so coming towards me. There were like five or six of them somewhere around 14 or 15 years old. I am twenty, fem perceived and know that the city I live in is safe. Other people were around. I walked right through the group, but I was terrified. Again, they're like 5 years younger, all shorter and I am wearing boots with steel toes. And yet these boys, literal children scared me. I think part of the fear was that they would bully me for being goth. Not what I was bullied for in school, but I know my old classmates would not have let me get away with wearing a tricone without making fun of me for it.

[witchvsworld]

the downstairs neighbour

the downstairs neighbour turns up his techno music and instantly my mood drops to the basement. It is directly below my room. The base travels up into my walls and comes at me from all sides. It is torture. This will likely go on for at least half an hour, if I'm unlucky more than a full hour. I'll eat something and then leave.

[witchvsworld]

How are things going so well all of the sudden?

I finished the door sign yesterday. Then I continued my digital drawing (part of it is my pfp, I draw over photos to learn human proportions better).

Today I redid my undercut and took a shower (yes, that's an achievment for me).

Now I have just finished a very good writing session. I completely restructured like two thirds of the story in a way that makes much more sense now. Also I rewrote the first chapter to immediatly introduce some conflict and will merge it with the second chapter so that they're not both just a single page. I am beginning to accept that one of the protagonists is at least to a certain extent a self-insert.

Grandma still hasn't responded to my text and I am too anxious to call or even send another text because what if she feels bothered by that (she wouldn't but try explaining that to my rsd)

I finally contacted my landlord late yesterday evening and already have a response. My door will finally get fixed, I just have no idea when.

I think writing here really helps me to keep going with things, at least on some level. I had planned to just use this to vent whenever things are bad, but I wanted to post things so now I love reporting progress.

[witchvsworld]

I finished the painting. It's a sign for my door with my chosen name Sirius and the star sign canis major, that contains the star Sirius. This is making me feel a lot better.

In the upper left corner the hole in the glass in my door is visible. There's paper from the other side to block the view.

[witchvsworld]

progress and setbacks

I finally started working on a painting I had planned for months. It's not very complicated, actually almost finished. Maybe I'll get it done this evening.

Also I texted my grandma because I want to visit her again but she hasn't responded yet, which is unusual. Which is of course triggering my rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

I've been reading a lot of writing advice and thinking about the story I'm writing and might get back to it soon.

I am proud to have finished reading Lord of the Rings in english. My native language is german so I had only read it in german until now. But today I finished appendix f and will now turn to the next book. I love that I'm getting back into reading. I haven't done a lot of reading for years, so this is great. Especially for my writing.

[witchvsworld]

Oh no!

I have so many things to do and nothing is happening.

I need to make a doctors appointment for some blood tests. Those I need for getting my ADHD medication. Once I have my ADHD medication I will finally be able to actually study at uni. I'm about to enter my fourth semester and so far have done nothing. But to do all that I would have to get off my ass. The thing I need my medication for. I think that's a problem?

Also I need to go to an eye doctor because I clearly have hyperphotosensitivity and my eyes hurt like a bitch whenever I look at screens too long. I know everyone's eyes hurt after a while of looking at screens, but this is ridiculous. I have the strongest filter against blue light on all my screens AND wear glasses with a filter against blue light and it's still sometimes too much. I need proper prescription sunglasses against this shit. On some days even the blue sky is too exhausting for my eyes. It has nothing to do with brightness because I can tell the difference between the type of exhaustion and pain coming from blue light vs regular and I have tested this. Just bright light doesn't do the same thing as blue light.

Also my back is a little unusual and hurts if I stand for just 15-20 minutes. Walking isn't a problem, but my hip is tilted foreward making the bend in my spine too extreme for it to support the weight of my upper body pain free. A lot of bending down and getting back up is also bad. I should be doing exercise to combat this, but I'd have to get off my ass for that.

Which brings us back to my adhd (an undiagnosed autism).

Not to mention my nearly dead social life. I am so glad I chose to live in a shared flat and that I get along with my flatmates so well. Otherwise I would be completely alone here. I am that type of friend who disappears for months because I am just sitting at home and can't even move myself to text someone. And then I have a bad concience keeping me from reaching out because I feel like a bad friend for not having done so sooner. Social anxiety and rejection sensitivity dysphoria are absolute bitches.

I can hardly motivate myself to do art.

This sucks