Animal Sister Boy @metaphorically-literal - Tumblr Blog

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im coming to realize that i desperately am craving novelty in my life! like all i do is wake up from weird dreams that I can’t remember and then go ahead and do the same things every day and worry about the same things and etc etc and its wearing on me! like, I drank kombucha a few days ago and it was the most exciting thing i’ve done all week - the beginning of this year was wild and great and everything was new but now is like the exact opposite of that and I don’t really know what to do about it

#probably what i'll do about it is just complain to my therapist about it the next time i see her and see what she says #i did go on a date last week w a guy which was a Very New experience and also probably the most interesting thing I've done all february #still kinda processing how I feel about that tho #but the date was fun we went to a cool tiff event #but literally i feel like a cat that doesnt have a cat tree or even a scratching post #literally nothing i just sit in an empty room all day praying that a mouse magically finds its way to me #words

god i literally cannot wait for it to be anything other than absolutely ice cold outside

#my whole body is telling me to just pick a direction and walk and dont stop today but its too cold to do that so i feel trapped #i mean plus like i have things to do that im avoiding but its not the last minute yet so all will be well #i was on a set this past weekend which was like 4 10-13hr days and was mostly outside and it was wild and i was cold #i have another film set for two days this weekend and it'll keep me occupied which will probably be a good thing #plus the shoot is indoors lol #words

ugh so im taking a course on fridays this semester which is honestly not a good idea for me to be taking i think, but if I drop it I’ll have to take a course over this summer to get enough credits which i dont really wanna do but im just trying to weigh what the best of two bad options is at this point

#its a drawing class that I was worried about taking and I just looked at the syllabus and basically every worry I had about it is true #plus im technically supposed to have my fridays free this semester because all the film sets I could get on start their shoots on fridays #and I really dont wanna take a summer course if I can avoid it but this drawing course just really doesnt seem like the thing to do #i've basically known since first year that five courses per semester is unilaterally just Too Much for me #but ive been pretending it isnt #and having a breakdown virtually every single semester as a result #school #words #i want this to be the semester where I commit to actually taking care of myself #and dropping this class might be a good step towards actually doing that

Waiting at my airport gate to head back across the country for the next semester and just kinda reflecting and thinking

Last semester I started off vaguely manic I think and just Going and Going without really sleeping or eating much of anything and feeling great and honestly it was helpful I think to be able to do that, but I've definitely slowed down since then - I've also been getting sick the past few days and noticing a curious amount of brain fog which I assume is a result of that so like all things considered I'm going to have to be very careful and intentional with how I start this semester - I need to allocate my time intentionally and put effort into caring for and listening to myself and I need to keep learning about and holding onto the things that I enjoy because if I don't do any of that then I think it's going to be rough going

And I have things I wanna Do as well - I wanna put more work into strengthening the relationships I have with others while developing and maintaining good emotional boundaries - I wanna make more things I wanna make music and art and craft jewelry and just start to see myself reflected in the things that come out of me - I kinda have been wanting to start just like reblogging things on here because I never do that but I've been wondering if it could be a step towards engaging with the world more? this blog has always been nothing more than what I need it to be at any given time but I think what I need is to Build something meaningful to me because I am not what I was but I'm also what I have always been, I'm just getting close now to possibly discerning what that might be

#i might not do any of these things but that can be okay #i am working on trusting myself enough to let myself do what i need #whatever that might be #i also gained weight recently #which is really wacky because ive literally been roughly the same weight since like at least 2013 #but that is okay and its important that that is okay #im terrified of what the future holds for myself and my life and my relationships but im taking things one step at a time #words

I made a post on Instagram recently about how weird it is to think about how I have people in my life right now who I value more than I could probably ever express to them in words but what I didn't mention because I wasnt really intending to seek sympathy on a forum like Instagram is even with all the time I spend with these people who I value so much I'm constantly also visualizing drifting apart from/losing them and it's like I can't have a nice time with ppl I care about without thinking "this will all end one day"

#im okay tho i just felt the need to be a lil thorny/prickly abt this somewhere i guess #i also haven't really spent time w ppl in a bit because its getting into winter break time and people are leaving #im actually flying to Mexico in like a week and meeting my family there for Christmas #which should be interesting #then im going home for like four days and probably will be able to see some friends from back home which should be nice #and then flying back here and starting up the second semester #yall i am literally so terrified to graduate and i dont know how to process that #thats still like a year and a half away tho so i got time to figure it out i hope #words

so uhh november has been a lot? school is like all happening all at once as the semester comes to an end and last year I would rely on my parents to help sort things out when stuff got busy and stressful but that really didnt end up going well so im trying to do things on my own this year because like boundaries are important - but idk! im stressed!

#my parents werent the best at actually helping #and were much better at just like getting upset with me when I didnt -#- do exactly the thing they were telling me to do that they thought would solve all my problems immediately #so like constantly fighting with them when I was overwhelmed and Needing Help really wasnt ideal #ive been surviving this year so far and I still think having the boundaries with my parents has been a good thing #but like it constantly feels like im on the edge of everything falling apart academically #and I'm just barely making it through by the skin of my teeth every time #and i think its been wearing on me because I'm a human and I need like Any time to rest #its okay though like I'll survive I'm just really stressed at the moment #words

👁️😯

#i had to take a self portrait for a photography course im taking at school #I havent had a lot of pictures of myself recently so i figured i might as well make it good?#the lighting setup i scraped together was real rough but i think i made it work with the help of some friends to to stand and hold things #trans girl #nonbinary #trans woman #me

I wasn’t sure if I was going to post this anywhere but it features my dog and honestly what’s better than that

I wrote the song over the summer and I recorded this just before I went back to the other side of the country for school again

#I wanted to upload this directly to tumblr but the tumblr upload limits are Bad and Not Good #trans musician #trans girl #banjo #nonbinary #trans woman #original song #music #my music #me #video

lots has happened, too much to explain but currently school has started again and I’m living in a house near campus with a bunch of people, most of whom I’m friends with and it’s going well so far so I’m feeling really good about it? except our landlords are A Lot To Deal With in many ways but we’re working together to research and implement the rights we have as tenants and it’s currently a work in progress

#words

wow I really just took an 8 or 9 month break from tumblr huh

#words

#about a month ago a friend was taking a nap on my bed and i shouldve been doing homework but i started dissociating so i made this instead #my roommate bought a bunch of fridge magnets for a school project and now theyre just on our fridge and theyre fun to play around with #i basically was just trying to spell the longest semi-coherent thing that i could #and this is what i ended up with because it was kinda where my head was at at the time #photography #oh and sidenote the other news is that i have an initial psychiatrist appointment on friday and im just hoping it goes well

So uhhhhh everyone who had committed to go to the show with me last night backed out at the last minute??? but i realllly still wanted to go - I was lowkey incredibly anxious about it because I went to a similar kind of show alone last year (because I needed to for a class) and at that show last year I basically had a panic attack after arriving before the music started BUT this time yes the hanging out alone before the music started was pretty terrible I ended up totally fine and the music was amazing and emotional and I even traded instagrams with someone I met there and despite the fact that I had to go alone (and the experience would’ve been a lot better if ppl had actually come with me) I’m still super happy I went

#and like idk if i mentioned this but the musician i went there to see was Jordaan Mason!#who has been my favourite artist literally since when i was first questioning being trans #and theyre also the reason i started playing music in the first place #and i bought a CD from jordaan at the end and got to talk to them briefly and it was so surreal like theyre a real person #thete was another musician playing too #from a band called Fear Not Ourselves Alone #and had never heard of them before but i started listening to their music when i saw them on the event page like last week #and i really like it? plus i was able to have a bit of a longer chat with them and i made sure to tell them that #and it was just overall so cool #jordaan also played two unreleased songs which were An Experience to listen to let me tell you #wow #words

Okay I’ve been thinking that the past week has been pretty eventful but honestly I looked back in my calendar and the entirety of November has just been a wild ride from day one?? And I predict that this’ll absolutely continue for this final week because this week I will have 3 large assignments due, a sizeable test that I haven’t studied for, a chance to see my literal favourite musician of all time perform live in a small show at a queer bookstore (and the person I lowkey may or may not have some kind of potential feelings for has agreed to come with me to the show and like????), a first session with some mindfulness group, an appointment with a social worker that only might be happening because I was supposed to meet with her today but somehow the appointment got changed and no one told me? And the fact is that probably (hopefully?) a lot more things that I can’t expect will come up and yes I had an anxiety attack on the subway this morning but having experienced both I can say it was a definite improvement over an anxiety attack alone in a giant unfamiliar house so heyy I’m moving forward

#part of the reason this month has been so wild is because ive gotten quite close to and comfortable around this one particular friend #been spending a lot of time and doing a lot of stuff with her #she never really plans much so ill get random texts at two in the afternoon which lead to her sitt...#...ing on my bed starting to write a 10 page script and staying in my room until she finishes it at 2am #or the other day when she showed up unannounced at my door asking me to go with her to a job interview #it definitely is a lot to handle but also I really appreciate having someone i trust forcefully yank me out of the isolation of my room #because i need that sometimes #life is crazy and im bouncing from crisis to crisis in a proverbial pinball machine but its actually going well somehow #words

#do u ever just find yourself in a crisis-solving mood but then there are no crises to solve #a lot of stuff out if my control was really frustrating today (related to school)#and theres stuff i couldve done like weeks ago to make life so much easier on myself but i just diDN’t #but now ive done literally all i can for tonight but i dont have to go to bed immediately #and the problem is my fight or flight is so high rn that i cant actually chill #like if the fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the building then i would be Ready #but i kinda just have to breathe and take care of myself and honestly thats harder #idk lol lately my brain has been doing literally everything other than what i need it to do #words

#i posted on instagram yesterday for the first time in like 7 months #and this was the photo but in the instagram version i set the colour temperature wayy too warm by accident #because clearly my eyes werent working #but like 29 ppl have already liked the photo so its too late to take it down #but rather than just let it annoy me im going to post the slightly cooler toned one here because it looks so much better #so have a picture of my dog that i took at the beginning of the summer #i left him behind when i came back to toronto and as always i miss him very much #his name is snoopy #photography #honestly i think its the night shift on my iphone that messed me up #i hadnt edited a photo in a lil while on my phone so #but this photo looks good so enjoy

Yes I was a witch for Halloween for like the 3rd year in a row but can we all turn our attention to my friends cat because this little goblin is now my new best friend

#halloween #trans girl #nonbinary #hairless cat #me #witch

So reading break started the other day and today I was really feeling at loose ends so for some reason I kinda just nested inside my closet with the door closed with my weighted blanket and all my shoes and coats and stuff and I half-napped there for like a solid 90mins and wow I feel so calm now

#like i didnt even really make an active decision to nest in the closet #i just kinda noticed i was doing it and was like sure ive got nothing better to do why not be doing this #it was nice tho my body feels all heavy now in a good way #i do need to make myself dinner soon so ill probably figure that out now #words

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