Magic, Madness, Heaven, Sin

you are my sun, my moon and my universe

[mhewiekwizz]

FYI: I just had a baby.

She was born last Jan 26, 2021. Don’t worry It will not be a labor story at all.

Im still in an awe. The transition from womanhood to motherhood real quick. The sudden shift of responsibilities and many more. I was still in the peak of the roller coaster ride and screaming at the top of my lungs hoping every twist and turn will be a joyride afterall.

Im in a lot of emotions right now so my thoughts will be all over the place.

Firstly. I am so happy. Up to the point I can cry with tears of joy just looking on my baby. Like what the Fuck, I made a human being and that is LIFE. She is too perfect for me. So this is how it feels to love someone you meet for the first time, the one who shares your heartbeat. I could stare at her for hours. Every cries worries me. Im supposed to be good at this because im a neonatal nurse. Im use to hearing those cries. But now its different. Being a mom is a lot more. Right now I am not sure if im doing good. I can’t do this alone. Which made me realized how good my partner was.

I had a difficult pregnancy, I’ve been vomiting for the whole pregnancy. Thinking about food makes me throw up. But I was treated like a princess. He did everything for me. From cooking to washing the dishes. Driving me to work and many more. I was thinking that maybe after this pregnancy I can be myself again, but eventhough he still does everything including cleaning bottles or helping me with pumping. He was so hands on and I was so thankful for that. I was really glad It was Him. I never expect him to be that person he become. He really love me and our daughter. Few days back, since we were still adjusting to our new life both of us with sleep deprived plus me with pain. Unintentionally he scolded me because of petty things I suddenly breakdown and cry. My cry was more on hormonal. I was just fragile that time. He told me he was so sorry and will never do that again I just keep crying on that moment until he told me please stop crying or else im gonna cry. I thought he was just joking on that moment but it wasn’t. He did cry hard while kneeling and keep on saying sorry. I didn’t expect that. No one cry for me like that. We where both exhausted that time. And I know it was also too much for him to handle. But we must keep our sanity going. There’s only two of us. And so this is how you build a family.

[mhewiekwizz]

I am getting married tomorrow. First of all, this isn't an invitation for you to attend my wedding.

I am writing this in the balcony of my hotel bedroom at 11 in the evening with a bottle of beer in front of me. I can see the city lights and I can hear the faint sound of cars, people, and music in the nearby pubs. By the way I describe my surroundings, you must have concluded this wasn't the place I've been dreaming of on the eve of my big day. I tried to talk to him about the white shore, waves and sunset of a small and peaceful town but he told me it was too inconvenient for the guests. He was practically right so I ate my argument for breakfast that day.

He makes me happy, safe, secured and contented whenever I think of the good things I like about him. He is physically here with me since day one and almost all of our fights turn into dust by sex without talking deeply through them. I didn't like it at first but I have grown accustomed to throwing our issues under the bed because all I want is peace of mind in a relationship. To tell you honestly, I am afraid that I am marrying him for convenience. Of course this doesn't involve a fixed marriage, or maybe it does, but in a very different way. I haven't given much thought of this; only when we dated for 3 months, the morning after he proposed to me, and tonight.

He is convenient while you are complicated. He is here while you are far away from me. He can keep my mind and mouth silent while you couldn't hush the poet in me. He had the guts to ask me to be his girlfriend while you can't even tell me you like me. All you did was throw little crumbs of affection from time to time and I was too hungry to take them, until he came and gave me a complete meal. It wasn't my favorite but it kept me fed and sated. I stopped writing poems and posting them on my page, and only published two books. My go-to foods, music, and places have become a stranger to me who I rarely see because I am too busy with the new ones I am obliged to befriend.

I know it is natural for a person to change but this wasn't the change I was hoping for. I kept making myself believe this is what I needed; that this is where I belong. Most of the time I agree but I hate to admit that there's still something inside me screaming this isn't. This voice gets louder when I was drunk so I stopped drinking from then on. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want to lose the person who is brave enough to choose me everytime.

Tomorrow, the Gatsby inside me will die and Daisy will take over. I am saying goodbye to the green light, and hello to the American dream.

—Myka M. Obinque

Photo: @shannontomasik (IG)

[mhewiekwizz]

Scab Wound

It will probably the last page I will write about you.

I don’t know with me, but I think Im a better writer if I feel pain. No matter how I tried to write about good things; constructions of perfect words won’t come out, which in reverse I can do spontaneously when I was hurt.

Ironic isn’t?

So today, because I got nothing to do, while browsing on pinterest I suddenly search on the search bar the name of your girl. Until it lands me on instagram. And guess what I’ve found.

An invitation:

Your getting married.

May 23 2019.

I was shock for a moment.

I even try to google search just to validate my feelings.

I don’t know if its normal to feel this way.

I was hurt.

For a moment, everything flashback.

Our plans, will now be your reality and it was not me.

How I felt it was unfair that you will be happy.

It was hatred. I still feel it.

Its not that im not happy with my current relationship, however I also don’t want to feel the fact that you will settle down first before me...

Its like that the old wound was scratch and was open again.

I know it was just a phase,

It will pass by..

Just like what happen before...

I wish them happiness in their comming wedding.

[curianoquotes]

[batarde]

And my spirit, you said, like knives dancing. My veins are centuries meeting.

Gayl Jones, Corregidora (via weltenwellen)

[mhewiekwizz]

It started with a simple boredom with a hashtag I got nothing to do. Time killing. I've been doing this for weeks or months so to date of. But today was no ordinary. You respond. The ambience seams awkward at first. Because this will be our first for this year, you spoke with me again. I realized that it was still painful for you to speak with me which made me thinking that your better without me clinging into your Life. It was pathetic of me to tease. But I admit, I missed those days with you. I missed myself being on my own self. In my heart I know nothing has changed between us. I never admit, but yes. Your Perfectly Perfect. And wonder, why did I just now realized that??? How come I got so blinded on people who don't even care? I wished I also have that couraged you exemplify. Unlike you Im scared to be alone. To be left behind. And after our little convo, Your stuck in my head. On repeat. Thinking of the what ifs of the past and future. And if this thing will continue, ... I think I've fallen for you long time before.

[spuds-and-roo]

Hold my hand and don’t let go.

[kathzxcv]

u did it again, colleen hoover.

[psych2go]

So do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out. And decide.

Meredith Grey (via psych-facts)

[goodreadss]

if we believe tomorrow will be better we can bear a hardship today.

Thich Nhat Hanh (via goodreadss)

[mhewiekwizz]

FROM A GAMERS EX GIRLFRIEND

May the players on your game be always besides you, May they remind you to eat, and inspire you to have a better life. May they serve as a light on every darkness you felt. I hope they will listen to you the way I eagerly do. I hope they can make you laugh out loud the same way how frequent you type those to your keybord. I really wish you a good and plenty of lives as the days goes by. I cant be your healer, You already won your battle, i already lost in your game. We are fighting a different battle thus no matter how much we try, We are always getting back to the start. Im sorry, but the game is Over.

[mhewiekwizz]

You dont realize how quickly everything can fall apart until it does. Makes you never want to give up anything good ever again.🙇💬

[mhewiekwizz]

🏖working hard for something we dont care about is called stress. Working hard for something we love is called Passion.

[i-love-you-from-a-distance]

I love you more than any word can say. I love you more than every action I take. I’ll be right here loving you til the end.

(via i-love-you-from-a-distance)

[theanimalmemes]

more text messages here

[tiny-facts]

Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder

Unknown (via hack-zone)

[i-love-you-from-a-distance]

Do not let them go.

Throughout life you will meet one person who is unlike any other. You could talk to this person for hours and never get bored, you could tell them things and they won’t judge you. This person is your soulmate, your best friend. Don’t ever let them go.