⇜ little by little ⇝
lunaxmia:
perhaps if haneul wasn’t so accustomed to negative reactions, she might have found jj’s reaction more offensive. as it is, she simply keeps smiling, waiting for him to take a seat. because if he’s anything like the jj she used to know, memory loss or not, he’ll be too curious to set it aside. she’s patient as he settles down next to her, active as always even if he doesn’t remember parts of himself. the thoughts rattling around in his mind are scattered and fragmented, but haneul doesn’t pay too much attention to them — instead listening for the words that he speaks aloud. jj had always been precious to baram, and she knows how hurt her little brother had been when the other evidently no longer recognized him.
‘it’s my usual practice,’ she responds in the same manner, sitting there peacefully as she stares out at the sprawling buildings and terrain that surrounds meia. 'truthfully, i don’t speak aloud very often. it’s always been this way, for me.’
at his curious question, her lips quirk up at the corners, her eyes slanting towards him, a soft laugh leaving her lips audibly. 'why am i not surprised that this is a question you would ask me, jj? you’ve always been curious. i can send a thought out to multiple people at once, but it gets quite confusing when i receive replies, so i try not to do so unless it’s quite urgent.’
the smile falls from her lips silently at his next question, and her expression softens as she looks at the boy who had once been so dear to her little brother, who still is even when he remembers so little, and she can’t help but wonder if she can help him. after all, she’d been able to help sieon a little bit, hadn’t she?
'although i only really can hear what people are currently thinking, if you’re focusing on something, i can help prompt your mind into tracing down the path… if that makes sense.’
he wonders what he knew of haneul before he forgot. she doesn't seem hurt that he doesn't remember her, but he supposes if she can read his thoughts she had more time to prepare for that reality than most he no longer recognizes. it's still unnerving, knowing if she wanted to, she could eavesdrop on his every thought; that she is quite literally in his head, but she seems nice enough. her smile is warm, and jj isn't one to trust easily, but he figures he can at least trust her enough to try to help him.
she apparently knew him well enough to know he's always been curious, though he supposes just about anyone that knows of him would know that much. what matters is that she entertains his questions. "sounds useful," he comments, though he can imagine the returned responses would be confusing. if she heard something dangerous inside someone's head, she could alert all of the senior agents at once, then.
he nods. he feels a bit ridiculous talking to someone that isn't giving him audible responses. he supposes most of the agents that could stumble upon them already know haneul's shtick and wouldn't be surprised, but he decides it'll be more fun to try to communicate with her in his head anyway.
he thinks what she says makes sense. part of him is a little disappointed she can't unearth all of his memories for him, but he figures that would be too overwhelming, and it's probably best for him to wade through them at his own pace. it sounds like she can help, though, and that's all he can really ask. it's better than he has right now. yeah, i think i get it, he thinks back to her. if not, hopefully i will soon, if you're okay with helping me.
he doesn't know how he'll react if she manages to help him retrieve any of his memories. he doesn't know how disturbing the contents will be, or if they'll be painful. he can only hope he doesn't put haneul in an uncomfortable situation.
"i think what happened to me...i think kaiser experimented on me. on our last mission, after he appeared to us, i ended up throwing up on our way back to meia. you see, i don't have the memories, but sometimes i have feelings attached to people, where i can tell that i knew them and tell i felt a certain way about them even if i can't remember anything else. what i felt with kaiser...i don't even know how to explain it. i don't know if you like...only get thoughts or also get feelings when you're looking in somebody's head, but," he'll try his hand at it, since he doesn't have the words.
he thinks back to seeing kaiser on the battlefield, and the way his stomach plunged. the dread; the terror. it was the strongest emotion-memory he's felt so far. not him. not him. not him, he thought when he first saw him, confusion over why he felt that way a mere afterthought.
"i'm pretty scared of the med wing, too. i hate going there, and i try to forget the labs even exist because it makes me so uneasy. i kind of wondered if i was an experiment before, because i have some...almost memories. they feel like...after you wake up from a dream that you can really vaguely remember, and they're just small ones. i guess, if you want, i can uhhh...show you...those, and you can see where they lead you? if you want."
