A Short List of Shenanigans My Parentâs Dog Has Engaged In:
This is Arwen, sheâs a Husky/Kelpie mix and a little Asshole:
âI wonder if she can jump?â my dad asks the first five minutes we have her. She perks up at the word, and clears a six-foot fence form sitting on the ground.
âOh.â Says dad. âShit.â
Later that night she got up on the counter and ate three pounds of corned beef in roughtly 68 seconds but this was considered part of the learning curve of having a new dog.
I wake up at 4 AM to the sound of the toilet being flushed repeatedly in the hall bathroom, and assume plumbing is now posessed by angry and wasteful ghosts. Â
I get up to disconnet it and find her in the Bathroom, standing to flush the bowl, then shoving her head in to drink the running water.  Iâm not totally awake, so I stand there like an idiot trying to understand this, and my sister gets up to see what the noise is, sees the same thing and also stands there. Fiance notices my absence and does the same. Â
Mom eventually wakes up and finds us standing around like very confused zombies and almost joins the parade of baffled zombies before shreiking âTHE WATER BILL!â
We got her a circulating water bowl after that.
My parentâs donât have AC, but they haveone of those âfridge on top, pull-out-freezer belowâ fridges. Last summer, we were remarking that we might need to shave her so she didnât get heatstroke, to which she looked up and made a disgusted noise at us.
âŠThen got up, used the dishrag to pull open the freezer and climbed on top of the frozen vegetables, stretching out and sighing contentedly.
 âArwen,â Mom began, but was interrupted by a loud âWHAAAaaaaarrr?â from Arwen.
 âOk you can stay there for now but weâre getting you a kiddie pool so you have to get out when we get back. Donât eat anything.â
She ate a bag of frozen green beans and farted for three days straight.
Took her walking along the lake with the long lead so she could sniff things to her hearts content. She went about shoving her head in the undergrowth, usually coming up with her head covered in leaves and pollen.
Except for the bush where she came back out with a 7-foot Bull Snake wrapping itself around her ehad and neck, trying itâs best to strangle her before she can eat it.  She immediately ran back to me, the parts of her face not occupied with the snake arranged in a gleeful expression of âLook! I found Snacks!â
I screamed, not immediately regognizing that it wasnât a rattler, and fell, splitting my knee on a rock. The screaming made her let go of the snake, but I still had to grab her and wrestle the snake off her because it lacked the sense to just scuttle away. I finaly got it lose from her (Despite her best effort to continue trying to eat it and turned around to fling it off the trail-Â
-And directly into the face of one of my 90-year-old neighbors whoâd come out to see what the screaming and profanity was, making her collapse.
Iâm pretty sure being told âI accidentally threw a snake at my neighbor.â was the highlight of that EMTâs day. Dottie was unharmed but she still doesnât speak to me.
One day, we left her in a Harness and overhead tether in the (at the time) unfanced back yard so she could enjoy some relatively free-range outdoors time. I walked by the window not a minute later to find her completely GONE, and race out to the yard to find her. It took me a good heart-pounding five minutes to realize the overhead tether was goign UP into the ancient silver maple and realized thatÂ
1. Arwen can apparently do something really weird with her shoulders where they pop out sideways, allowing her to bear-hug the tree andÂ
2. climb a good 40 feet into the three to fight
3. A porcupine, which i didnât even know LIVED out here.
Fortunately, Porcupines weigh considerably less than Awen and she couldnât get a good enough foothold to get all the way up to it, but I still had to climb up there and lower her down, barking dog profanities at the porcupine the whole way.
My parents recently acquired a mechanized recliner which has been instumental inmomâs hip surgery recovery. Execpt that Awen Also likes lounging on the furniture, and is more than capable of hitting a large, elder-friendly button with her paw. So now when she gets back from a walk or the dog park she makes a beeline for the living room, get in the recliner and pushes the button until itâs flat and stretches out in it.Â
My parents didnât have a problem with this because she gets out of the chair when they ask her (Mom even tells her âGo get my chair readyâ in winter because she does a good job pre-warming it), until last winter when Arwen taught my dog Charlie, another devoted couch animal how to do this.
One afternoon there was a tremendous outburst fo barkign and snarling from the living room and we rished in to find both dogs in the recliner, Charlie on the fully-reclined back and Arwen on the elevated seat and foot rest, bellowing at eachother for control of the recliner, thier movments having pitched it back to itâs two hind feet, the device swaying to and fro like a leather covered boat upon the high seas, a furry mutiny on board. Neither dog was willing to yeild the plush throne, nor to listen to the humans yelling at them to knock it the hell off, until Arwen tackled the usurper, kocking him off and managing to cantaleiver the recliner clean over, flipping it into the hall, both dogs and all humand miraculously unharmed.
She still doesnât let him sit in it.
(If you got a laugh out of this, please consider donating to my Tip Jar or Paypal to get Arwen (and Charlie!) nice treats)
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