To young women in the BDSM community:
Being young and a woman in the BDSM scene is fun.
Sure, youâve got a flooded inbox of guys wanting to play with you and a seemingly endless fountain of opportunities. Hell, even some guys may want to buy you things! But, before you get to the fun, you really need to make sure youâre safe. It would be kind of embarrassing to be found dead in a ditch with pink fluffy handcuffs on (or worse). Hereâs some advice Iâd like to give to girls first starting out, possibly looking into their first BDSM relationship.
Donât settle for the first self-proclaimed Dom to walk into your inbox!
Sure, itâs enticing. But, you really have to examine the person youâre going to give your trust too first. This is the person youâre going to give your control over to (temporarily) and you have to be sure that theyâre 1) trustworthy 2) not trying to manipulate you just for sex and 3) a good person. Because at the end of the day, a BDSM dynamic is more of a relationship than just sex.
Someone may come into your inbox, say that theyâre compatible with your kinks and want to make your fantasies true, but you have to look at it rationally. Donât let your hormones take over your decision.
Youâre young. You have so much time to find a good dynamic/relationship, donât rush into it. But also, dip your toes in the water and find out what you like!
Always be on the lookout for the red flags.
If you feel that weird uncertain feeling in your gut, say bye, Felicia!
Here are some common ones.
Young Doms tend to have more red flags as theyâre more inexperienced (not always, this is a generalization).
If they donât ask for your ID before playing with them, that could also be a red flag. As a 19-year-old with babyface, every good Dom Iâve had has asked for it in advance. Consider it a green flag if they do.
If they arenât concerned about your safety as a young woman, thatâs a serious red flag.
Your safety comes before EVERYTHING.
Always make sure to text at least one friend the address of where youâre going to be going beforehand.
Meet up before playing just for a coffee date. If theyâre not willing to go on a lil date with you beforehand and just want to play right away, get the hell out of there! Make sure itâs in a public space. Never meet up with someone directly at their house.
Check that theyâre STD free and/or use the correct protection.
Always play with a safe word.
Optional: bring pepper spray or a knife with you, just in case.
Talk with them at least a week in advance to playing. If they arenât willing to put in that effort, drop âem.
Make sure they know and respect your limits.
Have a friend call you 30 minutes into your first play-date. If youâre in trouble, pretend that theyâre your sibling and you have to go help. (This has helped me before, I was roofied without my knowledge and was uncomfortable with the guy so when my friend called me it was a saving grace. It wasnât 30 minutes after until I was driving when it kicked in. Yikes.)
And lastly, make sure itâs the right person.
Your first BDSM dynamic is special! Hell, every dynamic is special. Make sure youâre not just looking to get spanked and slapped around by anyone, make sure you have the right Dom.
There are sooooo many girls who have rushed into BDSM that have found themselves in the lap of an abuser. Make sure youâre in the lap of a caring person who also shares your kinks and is willing to do them with you safely!
I probably sound like your mom lecturing you but, as a 19-year-old girl, these are the things Iâd wish I would have listened to. And remember, you can always say no. Use it like itâs your goddamn superpower.
Feel free to put your own advice below to the post to help out!
germansingergirl
vaporwave
romaincrisis
pixelskylines
izzy806
theartofmadeline
