Just Chichi

[midnightpowwow-blog]

I Am Just Sad In General, and I Do Not Know How To Not Be

It is getting really hard to fake being okay. I actually think I need a therapist. I cannot get close enough to people to first, to burden them with having to take care of me or treat me like I am fragile, and second, to not run screaming for the hills because I am the same happy upbeat girl they came to like. When I get into my slumps, I guess, and want to talk to someone the first thing I am looking for is a distraction. I'm so closed off that I do not know how to communicate the things that are going on in my mind, I can't help being distant. At the same time I obviously can't deal with my life on my own. This has been years of my life of feeling these things but it is not getting better. I do not even know if it is getting worse or it is just building up what I have been holding in.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

Moving on up

I'm getting paid over $700 for my next pay-check. Usually it's like $400. Like even next week I'm working 32 hours with everyone coming back. I'm kind of excited, but I'm also pretty tired so it's going to take a bit to get used to. Plus I'm going to be gradually starting training in the kitchen. I also have to get my pro-serve, so that I can legally serve alcohol.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

I'm the Eeyore of the Family (December 26, 2014)

I just had a Skype call to my older sister, with my mom and younger sister. So naturally now I’m lying in bed crying. Today during the Skype call she said that I’m the Eeyore of the family.

Why the fuck is that necessary? So I’m not smiling from ear to ear over the fact that we are talking. So what, we barely talked when she lived in the room next to me, there is no reason for me to feel the need to talk to her. She just says that I’m being distant to spite her, that I should just smile instead of always acting angry. Like maybe I am fucking angry and I don’t want to smile. She can force me to smile, but that doesn’t stop her from trying.

She thinks that recently I’m just angry all the time. She’s wrong, I’ve always been angry, I just don’t have the energy to hide it anymore.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

Drafts (December 24, 2014)

I have so many draft posts. This can be seen as being a good thing, in the way that I have so many things to say and I'm making an effort to get them out. At the same time it's like, I have so much going on in my head, but I don't have the motivation or concentration to complete and post them. The other thing with the posts is that they are mainly emotional so I just get super overwhelmed with emotion and I have difficulty getting the complete thought and explanation out before I'm like emotionally drained and just can't continue. It just makes me like super disappointed in my ability to do anything. Like I don't post that often and the fact that when I do have something that I need to get off my chest and I can't even get it out.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

I Just Want to Know That I'll Be Okay

I wanna stop being sad and crying myself to sleep. I don't want to be scared of the future or of the present. I just want to know that I will make, that I'll be good. I'm scared that going to fail, that I've already failed and that if I do fail I won't know how to get back up. I feel so depressed, lonely, broken and stuck. I'm so damn scared, that I don't know how not to be.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

(August 22, 2014)

I spent an hour struggling to get out of bed. Tried to figure out how to get to where I was supposed go to register for upgrading. When my sister woke up she was continuously interrupting me. I ended up paying about $50 on a cab to get to the place, otherwise I would've been late, and had to turn around and go back because I forgot something. Then I got there, found that I didn't have valid id to register, so I spent $30 going back right away. I also haven't really gotten a chance to talk to my best friend today. It's not the biggest deal, but we talk everyday and all day, and it kind of sucks. Especially since I wanted to try to see if we could have class together. But since that didn't happen, it doesn't really matter. The highlight of the day was getting to see one friend upgrading as well. Also getting to actually have a good laugh at work. Plus the fact that I may get to take the semester off, just to work and start classes in January.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

(April 13, 2014)

On my birthday I’m now supposed to go to Church in the morning and then lunch with my dad and my younger sister. I really don’t want to go. I don’t like my dad, and I don’t want to have to be with him first thing in the morning on my birthday. I don’t want to go and spend time in a place that I don’t know with a bunch of people that I don’t know, talking about how great my father is asking me a bunch of stupid questions that I don’t want to answer but will have to repeatedly ask. Like I don’t even want him to come to grad, but I can’t do anything about that. I already have plans that morning and the fact that my mom already talked to him about taking me to lunch and now they are extending the amount I’m forced to spend with him. He doesn’t even want to buy me a birthday present or make an effort to spend time with me. It’s not fair, why do I have to go with him whenever he decides that I am a significant part of his life?

[midnightpowwow-blog]

The Future is Definitely Not Knocking (August 5, 2014)

I got rejected from both of the universities that I applied to. Going through the school year and then further confirmed my diploma results, then printed on paper and delivered to my house to ensure that there is no doubt about the fact I have failed in my first step towards the rest of my life. 

Now at least I finally know what I am going to be doing, at least next semester. That’s one less thing to worry about when every person that I come in contact with asks what I am doing next year. That is honestly the most irritating and soul crushing thing of my life currently. I do not understand why that is now the first go to question, or how what I am doing affects the major percentage of all of you, in a couple of days you will forget anyway and ask again. It scares me to no end that I have now reached that part of my life. It adds to the initial pressure and of deciding.

It makes me feels really bad because people around me are so excited and their main struggle is deciding which of their vast school options they will choose to go to so that they can achieve what they want, and I don’t even know what I want.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

My eye is burning (July 26, 2014)

I always have these  days or weeks that my right eye is just super dry and irritated and it drives me crazy. I've never been tested for allergies. I'm, more often that not, sick during the summer so I'm thinking that maybe I'm allergic to pollen or something. So I've gotten Visine allergy eye drops, but my eye irritation is all year long. 

It's not the biggest deal, but it a small thing that bothers me a lot and i can't even controls the way my eyes feel. it's just some kind of abstractly twisted metaphor for my life.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

Ruined My Day (July 25, 2014)

She was complaining about the price of her burger, and she asked for a classic but she did not want cheese so I was like okay no cheese. Then she was saying that cheese is usually not even an option, but I told her that a classic always comes with cheese. Then when she got her but he she complain that it was not what she asked for so I asked if she wanted me to get her something more to put in the burger. She said that she would have it as is. She also asked if the price was different for a create your own because that is what she actually wanted and that she asked for a create your own with everything on it.

Her husband or whoever was moving seats or something and he was like oh am I annoying with the moving and my manager was like no it’s fine if you want to sit at a dirty table.

Then when they were leaving the man left his bun sauce side down with a tray on top of it. The woman was like, “we are never coming back, the way you spoke to my husband was appalling.” So my manager said, the way you treated my staff was appalling so fuck off.

 I was kind of shaken up. I could not really take orders comfortably afterwards. There was a line of people forming behind her as this was happening and I did not really want to face them. The fact that they all saw it happen made me really self-conscious. My manager took over the till. I am just really sensitive and awkward and non-confrontational, I was literally shaking and I kind of wanted to cry.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

(July 19th, 2014)

On my way to work the other day, I'm pretty sure I saw a friend across the street and there is a good chance she saw me too. I didn't say hi to her of even double check to see if it really was her. No I'm not a bitch, she just spent the last months of school completely shutting me out. I'm pretty sure she told another friend that she hates me. She thinks that the whole thing with me being annoyed with her was because I'm jealous of her and her boyfriend. I thought she took the whole talking thing very maturely. I even said that we all needed to talk some more. Now she won't talk to me let alone look at me. I didn't think it was such a big deal, I was still trying to talk to her and be nice, I just couldn't handle her in such large doses. She unfollowed and now blocked me on Instagram. Like I have people that I met once, or haven't met at all on Instagram. I don't know what I did, I don't know why she doesn't like me.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

The sun is rising and I am yet to set

[midnightpowwow-blog]

I'm waiting for you to respond (June 22, 2014)

My guy best friend and I always text all day and night, till one of us (usually me) falls asleep. He always asks what I’m doing. The answer is usually watching tv, playing Sims, on Twitter, watching YouTube videos, etc. Truth is, I have no reason to be awake at 1. I don’t need to be awake. When I’m fighting to stay awake after an 8 hour shift, when I will be woken up early the next morning, it’s not because I don’t want to go to sleep. It gets to that point in the night he takes a while to respond and I’m constantly checking my phone. I think that maybe I should go to bed and just continue tomorrow. Then the texts start coming, I could just tell him I’m about to sleep, but instead I lay there in the dark, waiting for the next message to come. To stay awake as long as I possibly can. I want to talk to him. We don’t talk about much, a bunch of “what are you doing?” and “how are you doing?” There is nothing need to tell him or anything to talk about. But I want to be awake with him, to get as much of him as possible.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

First Date (April 27, 2014)

While we were walking he put his arm around me, there was a little bit of hand holding, he kissed me on the cheek a little. We played pool first and I won both games. Then we sat around for a while talking before the movie. He said that I'm beautiful and he caught feelings for me from just talking on the phone, that he doesn't know anyone he would rather be hanging out with. Then after the movie, we walked back to the train station and when my train came I was going to hug him and he was going to kiss me, so he got my cheek. He tried again and I was just kind of like bye. It was fun, but I don't really like him as more than bring someone to hang out with. Haha, there weren't any sparks. Later that night, called me and said that he said he wants to be more than friends. So I said that I think we should stay friends and said that we live really far and I think that it's too soon. He was like maybe it is too soon. Then he was saying that my school is closer than he thought, and that he could visit me every week. Then after talking for a bit he asked if I like him. And I said that I like talking to him and the date was fun. But I honestly don't think I like him as more than just a friend. He seemed to take it pretty well. We were kept talking and he was like maybe one day I'll just come surprise you at your school on a game day.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

I didn't see that coming

Oh like relationship wise? Oh well what do u want exactly Well I donno I haven’t really thought about it. Well now I’m thinking. Well I’m on the same page as u are to be real I just don’t wanna lose u. Well I thought we were friends. We can be more. I definitely wanna work towards u being my girlfriend. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with u .. Ur perfect I just need time to be able to satisfy u. I believe in having a girl and spoiling her a little. And be able to drive her places.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

Tell me what you want

Haha, I’m just very unsure as to what your intentions with me are. I just want to know what you want. I just wanted to know what you were thinking. So if you weren’t thinking, then there isn’t much to it. I don’t mind being friends and texting and flirting but then my friends see you texting me at the beginning of class and ask if we are “official” and I say no, because we aren’t really anything. Then I think that that’s what you’re waiting for and I just want to be on the same page. Well yea were friends obviously. It’s just a matter of whether you want to be more. I honestly didn’t want to put you on the spot but every time I think I know, I realize that I don’t. I want to know you think of me as some girl you know, some ass you wish to hit, or someone who eventually you want to be your girlfriend.

[midnightpowwow-blog]

100 questions because I'm bored.

1: Is there a boy/girl in your life?

2: Think of the last person who hurt you; do you forgive them?

3: What do you think of when you hear the word “meow?”

4: What’s something you really want right now?

5: Are you afraid of falling in love?

6: Do you like the beach?

7: Have you ever slept on a couch with someone else?

8: What’s the background on your cell?

9: Name the last four beds you were sat on?

10: Do you like your phone?

11: Honestly, are things going the way you planned?

12: Who was the last person whose phone number you added to your contacts?

13: Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler?

14: Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain?

15: Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum?

16: Are you tired?

17: How long have you known your 1st phone contact?

18: Are they a relative?

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

25: What’s on your mind?

26: Do you have any tattoos?

27: What is your favorite color?

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

29: Who are you texting?

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

38: What do your friends call you?

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

42: What is it from?

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

48: Do you make supper for your family?

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

50: Top 3 web-pages?

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

55: How is your hair?

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

59: Green or purple grapes?

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

62: When will be the next time you text someone?

63: Where will you be 5 hours from now?

64: What were you doing at 8 this morning.

65: This time last year, can you remember who you liked?

66: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?

67: Did you kiss or hug anyone today?

68: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?

69: Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

71: How many fingers do you have?

72: What is your ringtone?

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

74: Where is your Mum right now?

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

82: Has anyone seen you in your underwear in the last 3 days?

83: Will you talk to the person you like tonight?

84: You’re drunk and yelling at hot guys/girls out of your car window, you’re with?

85: If your BF/GF was into drugs would you care?

86: What was the most eventful thing that happened last time you went to see a movie?

87: Who was your last received call from?

88: If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you?

89: What is something you wish you had more of?

90: Have you ever trusted someone too much?

91: Do you sleep with your window open?

92: Do you get along with girls?

93: Are you keeping a secret from someone who needs to know the truth?

94: Does sex mean love?

95: You’re locked in a room with the last person you kissed, is that a problem?

96: Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring?

97: Did you sleep alone this week?

98: Everybody has somebody that makes them happy, do you?

99: Do you believe in love at first sight?

100: Who was the last person that you pinky promise?