Dark, Mysterious and Quirky

Full time mom, part time confused🧙‍♀️ 🔮🧹🎃🧿♍

[midnightstar1031]

This is my pinned post, because I don't want to change my bio.

This is my safe space, my journal, my blog. I talk about my emotions, feelings, and problems.

Mostly my relationship, crafting/sewing and witchcraft journey.

I will ramble, and get off topic, it's just what I do.

Enjoy my messed up life :)

[midnightstar1031]

weight

writing weekly or even monthly was difficult, I realized. But today I feel good.

My weight today, 2026/04/06, is 261.2 lbs.

This may not be a huge difference from the beginning of the year. BUT I was fluctuating over the last few months, but over the last couple of weeks, I was going down. So that makes me happy.

Cutting out or limiting bread/bread products and sugars definitely helps with weight loss.

[midnightstar1031]

Breakfast sandwich

Bread - Toasted

Egg - fried?

Cheese - melted

Meat - crisp

Spread - spreaded

Toasted wheat bread with a light spread of Dijon mustard. An egg fried with a piece of cheese on it to melt the cheese. Once moved to toast, Sliced meat, I didn't have anything else, crisped a little in same pan as eggs. Moved to toast as well. Ensembles and cut diagonally. Enjoyed.

Drink of choice: coffee

[midnightstar1031]

Plethium

A break or disturbance in pattern or routine.

Example: if there's a log in a path, it's a plethium.

Advanced Example: Being off from work a day you're normally not is a plethium to others.

[midnightstar1031]

New Year

It's the New Year. The middle of January, to be specific. I didn't want to weigh myself, but I knew I needed to have a starting point.

January Weight: 267.0 as of 16th

What changes have I made? 1. I replaced energy drinks in the afternoon with natural flavored coconut water. 2. Added more vegetables to my everyday eating. 3. walked more

I'll leave it with a monthly weight and what I changed to be simple. Making even small changes is still a success.

January has the most changes because it's the beginning of the year.

Hopefully, I'll remember to update the process weekly or monthly.

[midnightstar1031]

Walking

This morning I walked my child to school, which was a 20-minute walk from our house. The reason I haven't done it before is that I have another child at a different school.

Anyways, it was a 20-minute walk to the front gate, but she wanted me to walk her to the door, so that added 10 minutes. This isn't a math problem, so sorry if it sounds like it. It was a total of 50 minutes, and I've felt energetic, awake, and motivated to do things. I guess blood pumping through my body at a good rate actually does something.

I still have to walk to pick her up, but it feels good to get out and do things. Even if it's just walking.

[midnightstar1031]

Writing

I was taking a creative writing course (I got an 85 on it) and really want to find a job or even a paying gig to write.

I love the feelings of my fingers on the keys, making the clicking noise and the words flowing through my head. The only bad thing is that I've been writing fiction for my course, and a lot of things could be based on non-fiction. which brings me to the whole 'art imitates life' thing, or is it 'life imitates art'?

Oh well, anyways I've been doing a lot of Amazon reviews (literally things I've bought years ago and just never reviewed them, I usually don't)

I might put a few of my small writings here, just to get them mixed in with all the stories on the site

[midnightstar1031]

Creative Writing

The itch to write is real. However, the subject and topic are difficult to conceive, and the inspiration is lost.

I've been taking an online creative writing course, and it provides me with topics, subjects, word count, etc., which makes it easier to think when everything is put in front of me. But now that I want to think for myself and figure something else out. I can't think of anything.

I love writing, but inspiration is difficult to find.

[midnightstar1031]

Weight

Potentially starting a weight loss journal. Not a journey, just using Tumblr as a journal to keep myself accountable on what I do, eat, and so on.

Documenting it on video platforms is overused, and I don't want to share it with the world; I just want a safe place to write things down.

It will contain the date, daily eating habits, daily exercise, and weekly weight. No pictures, just written down progress.

The hardest part will be disciplining myself to stick to it.

[midnightstar1031]

I spent the last few days "helping" my son with his semester research project. The project itself is due before the December holiday break. It's mid-November now.

He found out about this the first week of school. He's had four months to get stuff done, and he just now asked for my help.

It took me a few hours to gather the information, and I've been working on a PowerPoint presentation for the last day or two.

Now I realize why my mom hated it when I procrastinated

[midnightstar1031]

I acknowledge your response

When someone talks to me and I'm not agreeing or disagreeing, I normally say 'okay'. In my mind, saying 'okay' is just acknowledging the response or comment, NOT agreeing or disagreeing.

I will say 'kk' in a short text, confirming that I acknowledge, with an attitude, I say 'K'.

Now, I realize that people will assume that by saying 'okay,' 'kk,' or 'k' as interchangeable, it means it's all in agreement, but it's not.

I have no idea if I'm in an 'era' or not, but I will say that I'm done hiding my attitude and will respond accordingly to what I see fit.

Example:

My son has early release from school at noon, and I found out the time at the beginning of November. I have an appointment from 11 to noon that was scheduled in Aug or Sept.

I told the admin office that I have an appointment and might be late picking him up. The response: "The latest I can stay is 12.15, I made plans since I knew it was an early release day." My response: 'K', then she responded with a "thanks so much :)"

Which ticks me off to the point that I'm debating a "No, thank you for staying with my child until I am able to pick him up," or not say anything and deal with it when I pick him up.

From now on, instead of saying "okay," I'm just going to say "comment* acknowledged."

*comment, response, reply, existence, etc.

[midnightstar1031]

I am too trusting. I give too many chances. He doesn't deserve my kindness, but it feels like I'm trapped.

No, not in that way, it feels like I'm trapped emotionally, like I have to keep him with me or I'll spiral from loneliness.

I feel dependent on his company. which is hard when things get bad. again, not because of that. We argue yes, but it's the repeated behavior that hurts the most.

The lying and sneaking around that gives me paranoia is what mentally and emotionally drains me.

He doesn't see what ot's doing to me. I try to tell him, but I don't know if he truly understands

[midnightstar1031]

my therapist saids my husband is self ish. Here's why

My husband lost his job that he had had for 5 years, 6 1/5 months ago. He's been in temp agencies and had temp jobs since. He's currently at a temp job that is third shift, which means he works 11pm-7am. He sleeps most of the day to stay awake at work. Not ideal for someone who has a family.

Well, while he's at work, I'm mainly sleeping, but also getting the kids ready for school. When he gets off work, he wants me to cuddle with him while he sleeps. We have a 3-year-old, I can't. He wants me in the room with him all the time. I can't it's dark in there for him to sleep, and I'll fall asleep.

He constantly wants me to be around him. I'm not saying fit's a bad thing, what I am saying is that I have responsibilities and can't just sleep all day. When he had a day job, I helped my daughter learn her numbers and letters. I read to her, and we went on an outing and did things. I try to do that with her now, but my husband says that I'm just making excuses to avoid him.

I told him I do the same things I did when he had his day job; the only difference is he's home and asleep.

There's more, but I'm currently too tired to type right now..

[midnightstar1031]

When is it okay to give up? Is it ever really okay? Am I ever okay?

[midnightstar1031]

~ Grin and bear it ~ it sounds like an option, but actually isn't ~ agreeing just to not have an argument ~ screaming in a pilow later ~

My family of 5 lives with my parents, been living with them for 5 years now. It's not crowded, it's the house I grew up in, so roomy.

But it still seems small

My husband keeps getting into yelling matches with my dad, which makes the house scary to be in, but nowhere to be.

But that's not why I'm here today; what happened today is 5 years of realization. so..

Like I said, I live with my parents. It's their house; everything is in their name. For a while, I went to church with them, but stopped because Sundays were my husband's only day off at the time. They still go, and it seems like they're always disappointed when I don't go. It's been over a year, and I try to avoid them on Sundays.

We live in their house. I graduated from a private Baptist school. My parents enrolled my son in that school. They pay for his school, they pay for his uniform, they pay for his supplies.

We live in their house. They pay for my son's school. My daughter needs a little more help, so I enrolled her in public school; private schools can't help her. My mom just said 'okay' and walked away. I got my daughter extra school supplies, A new backpack, the works.

We live in their house. They pay for my son's school. I cared for my daughter's needs. For the last week for so my mom asked how I felt about a Wednesday night kids program at the church, I said it sounded fun, I remembered going when I was younger. She paid for the program for all 3 kids, including my youngest, whom she doesn't have a seat for, so I would have to take her and stay until it's over. When she asked, it wasn't to get my opinion; it was to tell me what she was going to do without asking.

We live in their house. They pay for my son's school. I cared for my daughter's needs. My opinion doesn't matter.

So why do I deal with all this? Why do I just grin and bear it? because even if they don't admit it, I feel like I'll always 'owe' them because we live there. I feel like I will always have to agree because we live there. It seems like if I argue, it'll make things worse.

My husband may voice his opinion. But I silently suffer because I feel like I have to

I'm writing this in my van so no one can hear me cry while I type

[midnightstar1031]

Lost of motivation. All I can do to keep my mind busy is watch a show with over 1000 episodes.. I can't find motivation to do anything else. Not write, not play games, I haven't found another book to read.. just feeing blah lately.

[midnightstar1031]

What the hell is wrong with me? Brain why do you have to do this to me?!

I haven't thought of people from high school in years. I left before the end of sophomore year, and no idea the stories (if any) were said about me. I didn't look back. I had good friends and bad friends. I just try to forget it all, even the good ones..

Well until my brain decided to give me a dream of my old friends, their life's and so on.. and particularly a guy friend I had for a while and became interested in. Now did I like him? Yes. But back then I didn't believe anyone would want me for relationships, so I just assumed it would just be a sexting type of relationship.. it wasn't, and I think he actually cared about me, but of course I screwed it up and now he's married to his high school sweetheart and so on (yes i looked him up)

In doing so of looking him up, it makse me thinks if he even remembers me. Not in a romantic way, just in a "I used to know a girl who.." type of way.

The thing is, my current fb name isn't my actual name (same as here) so if I decided to message him, he'll have no idea who I am..

I'm not going to be creepy or try and steal him away. Just basically want to say 'hi, how are you' wanna know what he's been up to.

~

I was mean to good friends. I was being manipulated by bad friends. I can't change any of that, but what I can do is apologize for what I did. It was mainly verbally mean, or could be just ignoring them..

*sigh* I really have no idea why my brain had me think of him..