Missing you after a breakup
"they miss you after a breakup, how do they handle it?" Angst with no comfort (again. I know, sorry guys)
ft: Hinata Shoyo, Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei, Sugawara Koushi, Azumane Asahi x gn! reader
His vision was blurry, Shoyo could barely see the path he was running along, the darkness wasn't helping either. It felt like running towards a black void, tiring out his entire body. His lungs were aching from the cold night air, his cheeks stung from the cold air brushing past them, his nose was running, his legs were getting tired, his breaths heavier, his entire face was cold. So cold, that the tears falling from his eyes felt warm in comparison.
No matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't get the picture out of his head. It felt terrible. A few hours ago he had seen you again, after months. Months after your breakup. First all he saw was you, for a moment his heart skipped a beat. He felt his face heat up. You were still just as beautiful as he remembered, all alone too it seemed. You stood in front of a store, gaze wandering through the crowd. The distress on your face wasn't missed by him, even if you two were far apart. His heart was begging him to approach you, ask if you're okay.. but his mind knew better. Because your face suddenly lit up, when a guy approached you. He had a tousled bouquet of flowers in his hands, with an apolegetic smile on his face and breathing heavily. For the first time in his life Shoyo felt an actual Deja vu. He remebered all the times he had been late to your dates, running through half the city with a boquet for you as an apology... You'd always look so upset at first, until he'd flash you his apologetic smile and present you the tousled flowers, making your expression light up again. But this time it wasn't him, it was someone else. Someone who looked absolutely nothing like him. The guy was signifiantly taller, darker hair, more composed... A single tear rolled down his cheek, making him snap out of his never ending thoughts. Shoyo quickly wiped his eyes. No crying in public. That was his first instinct. He didn't want to break down in the middle of the city for everyone to see,especially not when you were just a street further away from him. He had to get out of there. Quick.
Which lead him to the place he was in right now. Running usually helped him blow off steam, calm down and get back to himself. But not even that helped him right now. He felt helpless. Helpless and devastated. You'd come back together, he always told himself that. You'd find each other again, he always comforted himself with that after your sudden breakup. But now it was no use anymore. You weren't his anymore, he realized. It made him stop running and just stare ahead of himself. The path was still a blurred darkness, full of nothing. His entire body ached, every last nerve was freezing from the cold and hurting from the running, the tears on his cheeks might as well have frozen in place too. With the back of his hand, he wiped his nose. A deep breath, turned into a broken sob. He missed you so bad.
The one who broke the relationship up was him. So why did it hurt him so bad? It didn't make sense. He wasn't supposed to be hurting, wasn't supposed to miss you and definitely wasn't supposed to be hurting so much. But he did. He hurt like hell. Everyday he missed you more and more. Why did he even break up with you? He'd often ask himself, then he'd remember his stupid answer when you asked the same question. 'I need to focus on myself' He was so stupid.
For two months, he managed to ignore the bitter feelings of guilt in his gut. Two months he pretended they weren't there. Now it all came crashing down on him. While cleaning his room he found your old shirt. It was tossed somewhere in a corner of his miserable room, where he couldn't see it. Up until now. He held the fabric in his hands, not knowing what to do or feel. It wasn't supposed to be here, wasn't supposed to be in his room. you were never coming back for it anyway. 'Are you serious?' You asked, standing in front of him. Your face flushed, not in embarrassment, but from anger. Tears builded up in your waterline, blurring your vision, threatening to overflow anytime. Kageyama awkwardly cleared his throat, avoiding your gaze as he looked to the side. He couldn't meet your eyes. 'Yeah' "Why? Where is this coming from?" He hadn't ever heard you sound so desperate, sad and furious all at once. "It's not you, I just need to focus on myself." He said, casually, like talking about the weather, his eyes dared to drift back to your face. Tears were already streaming down your face, there was nothing other than disappointment and anger in your eyes. "... Okay." you huffed. You knew it was a weak lie, that wasn't the reason. But you saw no point in pushing for the truth when a liar was standing in front of you. A few deep breaths, followed by a few steps, until you started walking away from him. Didn't matter where to, just away.
His face twisted at the memory of you simply walking away without a fight, prove to you having given up on fighting anymore. The heavy feeling in his chest was still the exact same as that day, even now, months later. Truth was, he really was going through a difficult time after having lost to Seijoh. He acted on impulse, he was convinced he needed to train more. For that he needed more time, so he broke up with you. He felt like that was the easiest option, but was it really? Was breaking up with you really the only way to fix his issue back then? Sure he had more free time now, but when he wasn't at school, wasn't training, wasn't with his friends.... he was alone. And he missed you. Often he'd open his phone, looking at your last message from months ago. His fingers would hover above his keyboard. He wanted to text you. But what was he even going to say? "hey, found ur old shirt. Want it back?" That was too awkward, even for him. For a good few minutes, he stared at the chat with a blank mind, He couldn't figure out any words to say. If you wanted your shirt back, you'd text him. Surely you had to notice it was missing? There was no need for him to text you, he told himself. So he closed the chat. Kageyama kept the shirt, hidden in a corner of his closet, he couldn't bring himself to throw it away.
He acted like he didn't care, even as you stood in front of him.
"Look, Kei. If you're not going to... then maybe we're not meant for each other." He glanced at our face, it was obvious you were waiting for him to object. To change your mind. He saw the last bit of hope fade from your eyes as he nodded. "Okay then... I think we should break up." You swallowed the heavy lump in your throat, keeping yourself together. There was no backing out anymore, you had to say it.For months he kept on acting like he didn't care about you. From the start you knew he'd be cold, but you hoped he'd come around eventually. It was just that he never did. No matter how big or small your accomplishment, he never seemed fazed. Like it didn't matter. You really tried to convince yourself you could push through, but there was only so much your heart could take. "Fine by me"
Even after months, he could still remember the devastated look on your face. Tsukishima wasn't stupid, far from it, he knew you were hoping for him to fight for your forgivness. But he was too full of himself for that back then. Now, if he could go back in time, he'd tell you he'd change. Do better. He had grown a lot since that interaction, now he came to realize that he, despite telling himself otherwise, missed you. Why now of all times? He was originally going through his old notes, to study for an upcoming test, and saw all the old scribbles you left in his book back when you used to study toghether. He looked at all the hearts and smilies you drew for him, it left a tightness in his chest. His mind wandered back to all the times you came over so he could help you. For the first few minutes you'd at least pretend to be interested, but it never lasted long. Usually you'd always end upjust staring at him, with your mind elsewhere. Back then it annoyed him more than he'd show, but now he'd do anything to have you look at him with that look in your eyes again. That dreamy look full of adoration, one he hadn't seen in what felt like forever. Kei wasn't one to cry, he almost never cried. That just wasn't his style. He closed the book shut, standing up from his desk.
The cold water from the sink splashed against his face, an attempt to help himself snap out of it. No matter how many times he did it again, he soon had to realize that it was futile. A small sigh slipped past his lips while he dried his face with a towel. When he went back to his room, he looked at the book again. How he regretted his indifference.
If he had known what arguing with you would lead to, he would've kept his mouth shut. He would've hugged you instead, anything really. Anything to make you stay. Your argument was dumb, you were overwhelmed and just snapped at him out of nowhere. He tried to calm you down, but it didn't work. He should'be kept his calm, just a little longer. Maybe then he wouldn't have had to hear that you were breaking up with him.
"Kou, I'm sorry about yesterday, it's just.. I've not been feeling well lately. I don't think I'm in the right place for a relationship right now.." You looked into his eyes, watching the realization spread across his face. "Nono- we can make it work, trust me. I'm here for you, really, anything you need I'll be there-" "I mean it, Kou. I can't do this." You cut his desparte attempt of changing your mind off. "Please, I'll change- I promise I'll never argue with you again! I'm so sorry-" "This isn't about the argument, or you. It's just what I feel would be best for us right now." You looked away from his eyes. It was impossible to look at him, when he looked so heartbroken by your words, with glassy eyes. Silence filled the air until he sighed. "Okay then, but if you need anything- just text me"
Even if he tried to convince you that you could make it work, apologizing and promising to never argue with you again, it was useless. You told him you couldn't do it at the moment and that you were sorry. The way you looked at him made him believe that you stopped loving him way before the breakup even happened. Two weeks later he walked home from school, but took a different route this time, the longer one, he felt like it. At first he didn't realize, but when he walked past a familiar streetlamp. One with a big scratch across it, the one you had your first kiss underneath. He still remembered it so well. So well it hurt. He felt the tears well in his eyes, his breathing growing uneven. How did it even come to an end so quick? Back then, when you first kissed underneath that exact streetlamp, he would've never guessed you would break up with him someday. It never even crossed his mind, he was convinced you'd be happy together even in the future. If only he had noticed sooner, noticed the way you were growing colder everyday. He could've tried harder, could've changed your mind.
Koushi shook his head, blinking the tears away. "Get it together." He whispered to himself under his breath, turning his head away from the lamp. It was no use anymore, your mind was made up. He had to live with it, even if he didn't want to, he had to walk home. He couldn't just stay glued in place, dreaming about a memory that was never going to repeat again. He continued walking, with an ugly sorrowness in his chest. Luckily, he managed to make it back home without shedding another tear. But the moment he layed on his bed, with his face in his pillow, he started crying. Bitter tears fell from his eyes, soaking the pillow underneath him.
When you broke up with him, he just smiled. He told you it was okay, he understood it. That was the first time he had ever lied to you, because no, it wasn't okay and no he didn't understand. He didn't want to beg you to stay, he wanted you to be happy. Even if it meant leaving him, he still told you with a smile that it was alright.
"Maybe it's better if we break up, Asahi. I feel like this isn't working out." Your eyes avoided his, which was probably for the better. Your heart wouldn't have been able to take the way his entire face dropped and went pale. "Why? Did I do something?" That was his first worry, of course. You could've smiled at his question that was so undeniably him, but didn't. Instead you shook your head no. "No, I just... I feel like that'd be for the better." Asahi didn't understand, but he knew better than to push you. He swallowed the lump in his throat, clearing his throat in hopes of making his voice sound steady before nodding "That's alright, I understand." But he didn't. He didn't understand and despite not looking like it too much on the outside, he was panicking inside, his stomach was hurting, his heart was racing and he felt like dropping to his knees to beg you to stay with him. There was so much he wanted to say, to remind you of everything you promised him, everything you told him, every declaration of love. The only thing keeping him from that was the thought that it wouldn't make you happy, so he didn't. He wanted you to be happy, always. "Thank you, Asahi."
Now after a few weeks, he still layed in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Today he had seen you on the bus, you were entering the bus as he stepped through to leave. It was a short reunion with no words and only a second of eye contact, but enough to plague his mind for the entire day. Seeing your eyes again after so long, he couldn't help doubting his choice. What if he had broken down, begging you to stay like he originally wanted to? Would you have changed your mind? Was there even a way to change your mind, or were you already decided with no way to return? It was hard for Asahi to wrap his head around the fact that you weren't his anymore, didn't love him anymore. Could you really stop loving him? Back when he used to look at your eyes after you kissed him, he saw nothing but love in them. Nothing but adoration. If he knew what was to come, he would've held you tighter, treasured you twice as much as he did.
Maybe then he could've changed the outcome.