Regarding relationships of all sorts, please read:
I want to recap my entire past several years, and bring out the most important things that people need to know, especially males, in relationships of all sorts: Toxicity, Abuse, & Self-Accountability.
Whether you’re depressed, or anxious, or hurt or angry or whatever, it is something only YOURSELF can fix, you can definitely get the help to learn how to fix it, but for that to happen, only YOURSELF can point it out, and take the full responsibility and take the actions to fix it. Hurting others and leaving deep scars due to one’s actions out of emotional thinking and not rational one, you can hurt them for as long as you’re existing.
And when you’re someone who’s had physical/mental/emotional trauma, like many others who’ve gone through those types of relationships, don’t wallow in it, don’t shut yourself out. Please seek some form of recovery and help, and help pick yourself up. Don’t let what someone has done to you, turn you into that a being.
With that said, I know I’ve received backlash from my friends, some family, and my ex. I deserved it all, not saying that to beat myself up, but to acknowledge that if many folks are saying what they’re saying, it’s that moment one has to look indepth and thoroughly at what they need to fix. Yes, I have definitely said things because of my own traumas. Yes, I have definitely done extreme things because I felt like my history was repeating itself. Yes, I have gaslighted many times, whether I was aware or not because of frustration or uncertainty. But is that any excuse? NO.
There were many moments where I would harm myself, and sometimes, IN FRONT OF THEM because of my paranoia or insecurities or anxiety, but I’ve put them through such intense emotional distress. There were moments where I’d spout angry accusations at my friends for backstabbing, or accusations at my ex for cheating or such, but they were all empty words built by my mind’s worries and made them feeling such dismay and hurt over my things that were just imagined or from just the past. It’s understandable as some say, but in the end, it’s no excuse. There were a few moments where I put others in danger, because of my recklessness or own distress, rather than staying calm or being aware.
These are bullet points, people.
I have become that abuser, not physically, thankfully. But an abuser is an abuser.
I have become that toxicity, that I tried to run away from in previous relationships back then.
And even though she’ll not see this, I do want those who are in similar position and are reading this to know: if you’re on the receiving end, and the friend/partner/family you know is being toxic, if you’ve done your share of trying to have them listen, dip. Just dip. You need to take care of yourself, and even if anger or frustration or anxiety is something that makes you want to do something to them, don’t stoop that low. Don’t fight fire with fire. You’re better, you’re gonna get better and I’m so proud of you all. You can choose to take them back into your life, but tread carefully.
And for those who are that toxic person, you need to evaluate yourself, listen to what others have said, that has harmed them or put them in a position where they feel inadequate or hurt. Take note, stop and think about at what you’re gonna say or already have said. If you’re toxic or abusive because you yourself has been through some of those traumas, seek some help, counseling, whatever. If you want to keep folks in your life, work on yourself. And if they ever walk out, let them. It’s up to them to see if they want you back in their life; only they can truly judge if you’ve wanted to change or have changed.
If your partner/friends/family know that you’re mentally ill and are doing your absolute best you can to change but are still being toxic, keep in mind: You’re wanting to change for YOURSELF. ‘Cause in the very root of it all, you have you and you wouldn’t want to see yourself hurting others. And on the note of still being toxic in the process of change, don’t use your mental illness as an excuse.
Again, it’s almost a new year, but even not in a new year but in current times, even as you’re reading this, take some self-awareness/accountability and evaluate yourselves.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
