My thoughts on the Aziz Ansari allegations.
Bare with me. These are getting harder and harder to process.
I will admit it. I am slowly becoming numb to all the accusations of sexual misconduct that pop up in the news lately. But when I saw the headlines regarding my beloved Tom Haverford, my heart sank.
My heart has continued to sink and my stomach has started to churn over the articles that have followed in defense of him. I ache for Grace. And I believe that the only way you wouldn’t ache for Grace is if you’ve never been a “Grace.”
I was 19 years old, when a senior athlete at my college told me I had a cute smile and invited me to his house for a party. We talked about me staying the night. I lied to my mother about sleeping at a friend’s, and that was that. I was genuinely giddy over the thought of being with an older man, in his home, overnight. I picked out a nice outfit, did my hair, put on makeup. I will go as far as to say I even anticipated some sort of physical intimacy, as we had discussed “cuddling in bed.”
But what happened in that bed was not what I imagined it would be. I was slung around like a rag doll. My face was mashed into the sheets, muffling any attempt at “stop” I could muster. I tried to say no. I think it made it worse. I remember eventually going limp until he finished and rolled over and told me how great it was.
But it was not great for me. Full of regret and literal pain, I knew even then if I brought it up to anyone, I’d be disregarded. Laughed at. Because at one point in time, I indicated that I was interested. And that’s all it takes.
I could also mention having an (ex) boyfriend who used to beg and plead and whine about sex for unacceptable amounts of time before I gave in and let him fuck me.
I could also mention that out of the 20 or so first dates that originated from Tinder, only three DIDN’T end up as one-night-stands, usually due to some persistence on the man’s part.
Did those men rape me? I wouldn’t go that far as to say that about them.
Did Aziz rape Grace? That’s not for me to say.
Grace never actually claimed he raped her. But she did say that he violated her. And that he almost assumed that she wanted to fuck him regardless of her speech or body language. Because she went out with him. She was obviously into him on some level, at one point in time, and that was enough.
And that experience resonates with me so deeply. I think that is a major core component of rape culture that MUST be discussed more, not less. There is an entitlement that so many men have when it comes to women. Especially if they know that a particular woman is actually into them.
But interest does not negate the fact that clear and consistent consent is always required. Always.
He may not be guilty of rape. But he is guilty of not following a moral code that he claims to so highly uphold. Is Aziz a bad guy? Eh. His apology seems genuine and I’d say he’s certainly not the worst. But he can do better. So many men can.
Women are tired of the entitlement. We are tired of assumptions and not being asked what we want. We are tired of not being listened to or taken seriously when we answer.
And time, my friends, is up.
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