Untitled

Just a place for me to get out my feelings

[milesofmadisonsart]

Music

It means the world to me

I tried to invite you

Into my world

I tried to let you see

What it was like for me

I tried to give you a piece

Of myself

To show you

What was most important to me

And you threw it away

Without even looking at it

Like a painting from a kindergartener

Is that all I meant to you?

[milesofmadisonsart]

Calliope,

I love you so

I know I am 

difficult to love

but thank you 

for keeping me sane

I miss you when you leave

it is difficult to come

without the one who pushes me 

to do better, to be better

I know sometimes 

I treat you poorly

dragging you to 

the ends of the earth

to save me from myself

I wish I could marry you

you are the perfect girl for me

but tragically, you are just

a figment of my imagination

[milesofmadisonsart]

Mistakes

I am constantly 

making mistakes

enough that I have

become one

I make mistakes

so often that

I no longer know 

what my mistakes are

I know that 

it is my fault 

I know

I ruined this

I just wish 

I knew how

so I can make

better mistakes tomorrow

[milesofmadisonsart]

War

It seems that 

at least once a day

I have a battle 

in my head

this war started

so long ago

that I cannot remember 

how old I was

I think I was 

around eleven 

when it all began

I know I was 

thirteen

the first time

I almost lost

Luckily, 

I found someone 

to provide more 

weapons

Unfortunately

He would later use them 

against me

I was fifteen

when I came 

very close to losing 

this war

I made it to the doctors in time

to be saved

and rushed

back into battle

I have come close

to losing

so many times

but now I think

I have all the weapons

and all the armor 

that I need

to win

[milesofmadisonsart]

Reclaim

I have reclaimed my body

It started slow

First it was taking a normally timed shower

Not sitting on the bathtub floor

Crying

Then it was wearing cute underwear again

With lace

And roses

Feeling comfortable

Without being covered by cloth

Then it was changing

With others in the room again

Realizing my skin

Is not an invitation

Then it was being able

To desire to have sex

Learning that it should

Be a pleasurable experience

The final step

To reclaiming my body

Was allowing another person

To see me

And my miles of skin

To touch me

Not once did I feel scared

Not once did I want to stop

Not once did I think of what you did to me

I’m taking control of my body back

[milesofmadisonsart]

Drums

As I feel the beat

pounding through my chest

I finally understand 

the importance of drums

Never before did I realize

that they could change 

the beat of your heart

so the room filled with thousands

is all beating in synchrony

A drum can tell you 

that you’re not alone

you are not the only one

waging wars behind your face 

and above your throat

I owe this realization

to the trees

and the pilots

Now I feel the drums 

and they move the mountains

inside my brain

and my heart

surrounding all my surroundings

until I feel my death

[milesofmadisonsart]

Getting Older

I always said 

I wanted to die

before I became old

I was terrified

of getting older

that I was 

wasting my life

I was afraid

that as I aged

I would become 

more and more 

miserable

until I couldn’t 

take it anymore

I wanted to be 

forever young

yet, as I am 

getting older,

I have never 

been happier

[milesofmadisonsart]

Phantom

I can feel her body against mine

I can taste her lips

I can feel her tongue

as it plays with my nipple rings

I can feel her thighs

under my hands

as I try to pull her

closer

as close as she can get

but my hands slip through

and hit my own hips

she is a phantom limb

not here, but I can still feel her

I miss her

I want her here

I am in love with a phantom

[milesofmadisonsart]

Doubt

you just have to 

doubt yourself

enough 

for the bad 

thoughts

to float away

watch them

as they soar

farther and farther

you just have to

doubt yourself

enough 

to start believing them

[milesofmadisonsart]

Believe

Try to believe him

when he says

he would miss you

if you were gone

try to believe her

when she says

you are a

good writer

try to believe her 

when she says

you’re funny

try to believe her

when she says 

you’re her 

best friend

try to believe her 

when she says 

she really likes you

try to believe 

the good

they say

try to doubt

the bad 

you say

[milesofmadisonsart]

Triggers

I hear

The garage door open

My heart starts racing

I can’t catch my breath

I try to run to safety

Even though I know

There’s no escaping

To this day

Any time I hear one

My heart loses control

My vision starts to blur

I try to keep myself under control

So no one knows

I see a silver Tacoma

My skin begins to crawl

I want to tear free

I can feel your hands on me

And I feel disgusting

I have a strong desire to shower now

Crying with the water falling over me

“What’s the matter?”

Someone asks

Suddenly all I can hear is your voice

I don’t understand

why you have this power over me

But your melody plays in my head

Passion in your voice

I no longer wish

you were singing about me

Or crave your touch

But it does take me a moment

To quiet your song

[milesofmadisonsart]

You may be the voice inside my head but she’s the body I feel against me

[milesofmadisonsart]

Replacement

Now that I’ve taken your place

I wonder if you felt

Like I feel now

If you did

I am so sorry

We never meant

To make you feel this way

We looked up to you

And put too much pressure on you

To be perfect

To be a role model to all of us

I wonder if you dreamed of death

Like I do

I wonder if you were relieved

When you were given

the opportunity

To leave this world a hero

No more pressure

To be perfect

Because forever

You will be engraved

In our hearts

As flawless

But now that I’ve taken over

I can’t help but think

That you would never

Be as weak as I am

To wish

For the perfect way out

And even if I had the chance

I don’t think I could be

As brave as you were

To save everyone else

And to be crushed

Because of your selflessness

Which will always be

engrained in our lives

[milesofmadisonsart]

Would have been

All my life

I dreamed of being

A would have been

Not a should have been

Or a could have been

A woukd have been

Does at a young age

From a tragic accident

Their whole life in front of them

It is not their fault

That they didn’t become amazing

They would have done so much

If they hadn’t been

ripped from the world

By the sweet release of death

A should have been

Was on the track to greatness

But lost their way

Because they cracked

Under the pressure

Whether is drugs

Or suicide

They should have been great

If only they weren’t so weak

A could have been

Had the potential for greatness

But failed

Because they weren’t good enough

To reach their goals

I have always

Dreamed

Of being

A would have been

For a long time

I believed I would become

A should have been

But now I think

I am becoming

A could have been

[milesofmadisonsart]

Canvas

My body is a canvas

Don’t you dare tell me otherwise

It took me years to realize

That I am a piece of art

That I get to create

Rather than trying to

Tear myself to shreds

I have began to make myself

Into a beautiful piece of art

I have switched

From making art with my blood

To making art with ink

Black ink

covers my pale skin

Jewels in all colors

decorate my ears

Dyed hair

Frames my face

Clothes change daily

To fit the aesthetic

I want that day

Make up enhances

My beautiful eyes

My small lips

My high cheek bones

Don’t you dare tell me

That I would be prettier

With less make up

Without that bull nose

Without ink ruining my skin

If I just wore lighter clothes

With my natural hair color

Because it has taken me years

To love the vesicle

That I am in

It is the only one I get

So I will do

Whatever the hell I please with it

And say fuck you to anyone

Who tries to control

What I put on my canvas

[milesofmadisonsart]

Denim Day

Was I wearing denim?

Maybe, but I doubt it

Why would I be wearing jeans

To lounge around the house

With my best friend?

Something we had done

A million times before

Im pretty sure I was wearing sweats

With a baggy T-shirt

And probably no bra

With my hair in a messy bun

I guess he did always say I looked cute with a messy bun

What made that day different?

What was it about me

That made him decide

That was the day?

I will never know

And neither will you

Was it my clothes?

No

Was it my actions?

No

Was it my words?

No was it my body?

No

Was it me?

No

It was him

Turning into a monster

And eating me alive

[milesofmadisonsart]

Obsessive

You eat your skittles by color

Everyone thinks this is a cute little quirk

They don’t realize that if you don’t

You will fall into a spiral

Around and around

Until you are curled up

Crying

Hyperventilating

Sweating

Your vision will blur

All because you missed

One

Green

Skittle