I couldnāt sleep so I put on some binural beats. I ktfo pretty fast, but I was interacting with others via my dream world. The first person who I interacted with was talking 10,000 wps. Idk what she was telling me but I was overwhelmed.
Then the dream shifted and although she was still talking to me someone else began non verbally interacting with me. And then I woke up cuz my brain knew I needed to turn the off the audio because I was getting too overwhelmed.
For a bit after I woke up, I kept my eyes closed and attempted to go back to sleep, but couldnāt cuz my mind was engaged and decided to wander.
Someone I havenāt seen, spoke, or interacted with for a few years popped in my head. I realized I forgot to wish her a happy birthday this year and perhaps it was intentional. I started to miss her a lot. A romantic relationship that failed to launch because I was too afraid to take a leap. Tbh, I wasnāt afraid to take the leap, thatās the excuse I use to let her off the hook. I fell in love with her and spelled out my every intention, but she already had a girlfriend and didnāt tell me. She didnāt hide it either, though.
At the time, I thought that if I fought hard enough, I couldāve won her over and sheād want to be with me, but she chose her girlfriend. Fair enough.
It took me years to begin to get over this non relationship and when I was finally making strides in letting go, I dreamed of her and her girlfriend hanging out with me. But they werenāt acting like they were together they were just friends. I woke up and left it be.
Not too long after I had that dream (maybe about a week), I receive a message from her saying they broke up and she was in need of support because she wasnāt okay. So, I lent support.
Eventually, she opened the door and invited me back in (figuratively), but I was not available and I didnāt want to put myself back into a position to be broken into a million more pieces.
Shortly thereafter she rekindled a situationship from before me or her ex. That eventually became her end game. Itās weird how my brain thought of her again randomly after literal years of not speaking. I do occasionally wonder how she is, but I know sheās well. Because all the things I promised Iād give her have been provided to her by her spouse. The life of her dreams is being fulfilled, just not by me.
And Iām happy it worked out. I just miss my friend sometimes, ya know?
Canāt be friends anymore tho. I loved her too deeply and too fiercely to ever be able to see her and love her just platonically.
