Well...fuck
This weekend has been another stellar example of why I should never get my hopes up. I'm so fucking sick of feeling like I am just an after thought and like my emotions don't actually matter. I was under the impression that i was to see the boyfriend today, I got up early, cleaned the house and did all the chores early so that i could relax and enjoy his company. I waited around until 1 pm when he said...he was feeling sick. He had uni work and that he has to clean his friends house..... surely he would have known about the uni work before today, surely he could have told me earlier. No. That would be too easy. I go through so much effort to make him happy. He made me feel guilty about being angry at him...... not fair . Not fair at all. My emotions are Valders by the fact he is too much of a child to man up and actually take responsibility for the fact that he is a shit cunt. You don't leave people hanging around waiting for your call. After I calmed down. I tried to be supportive. It has been met with the dreaded "seen but not replied " tactic. This has resulted in more tears and my anxiety sky rocketing. I've never ever felt this alone in my life, even when I was single or a gaming widow to both my previous relationships. At least they were there physically. This is destroying me. I almost feel the need to re download tinder just to get some damn attention. It's not just the boyfriend. It's the friends I have also. None of them seem to appreciate me. I am just a source of transport or food or someone to see when there's no one else available. I'm just that person in the background that no one ever is excited to see. I'm just there. Last night, I made the effort to go and support my friends at Mardi Gras, I gave them lifts to and from the station. Made sure everyone was alright and looked after them incase they fell from stools. I wad thanked. But just as a reflex not actually heartfelt or anything. My friends always seem to put me down to make themselves feel better. My situations that I get myself into are somewhat surreal and laughable. But. There's a joke and then there's taking to too far. No one seems to respect me. No one actually makes me feel wanted or valued as a friend. So over feeling alone....
