strength;

what they didn't know was that she could barely carry on.

[mimipaloma]

After Zander died, I missed my period and i thought I was pregnant. I’ve never told anyone that. Sometimes, I really wish I had been. 

[mimipaloma]

turnerpike​:

Agh, you see, I had a hot date with myself planned for tonight with a TV dinner and boxed wine on the menu…I don’t know if I’ll be able to cancel that. 

Pleeeeease come, Turner. Not only do I want you to come, but I also need you to come. Rae and Atti are going to be rubbing their stupid freaking engagement in all our faces, and I need a buffer.

[mimipaloma]

[mimipaloma]

turnerpike​:

Hey now, what’s that saying? Think smarter, not harder. If someone’s got the goods in a specific area of dance, of course I’mma bring ‘em in to help. I’ll admit that. I got humility for days. 

And while I may shed a single tear for your contemporary, you’ll be bawling when we walk away with the Top Studio Award. 

Mhm, suuuuuuure. Sure, Pike, sure. 

Uhm, uh... anyway. Nora wanted me to come ask if you’d like to come for dinner tonight. 

[mimipaloma]

mimipaloma: It’s been almost five years without my best friend, and I have no idea how I’ve survived it. People tell me all the time that I need to get over it. That it happened so long ago. That I should move on. I’ve cleaned out his room in my own timing, keeping only a couple of things that remind me of him. I’ve gone on dates that never really panned out. I’ve laughed, I’ve smiled, I’ve gone on adventures and gone days, weeks, and months without thinking of him. But then something little will happen. A laugh will sound like his, someone in the mall will be wearing his cologne, I’ll see one of his old CDs at the thrift store, or his best Nirvana t-shirt will be at the top of the stack of t-shirts and everything comes flooding back. I can’t drive the section of highway where he died. I can’t eat sushi in the attic. I can’t sit across from his spot at the dinner table. I look down when I pass his picture on the wall in the house, and I sit in the opposite chair in Nora’s office so that I don’t see his picture because it hurts too much to look at. The truth of the matter is that I’m not over him. I’ve not moved on. I’d give anything to be with him again. Zander was my person. He was my everything. He was love, personified. To know Zander was to love him, and I will never stop loving him. Grief is a bitch. 

[mimipaloma]

turnerpike​:

Yeah, it’ll be fun regardless. I’m excited to see what ya’ll have been doing, and I’m always a fan of some competition. I’ll let ya’ll have contemporary wins but if my teen musical theater and hip hop don’t win? I’m quitting. I’m quitting before we even start. They’re just so good. 

-

That’s only cause you cheated and had Little Miss New York City come and do musical theater masterclasses this summer. My juniors are going to bring their house down with their contemporary and you’re going to cry like little baby when you see it.

[mimipaloma]

turnerpike​:

Aha! My Grandmama always said if I ain’t got nothing nice to say, don’t say it at all, Mimi. 

Though I will tell ya, some of your kids have already been out on the floor for solos, so that’s an unfair advantage. An unfair advantage that I’m ready to smash the hell out of. I’ve got this girl who used to just compete high school dance - Hannah, and whew, she’s a force to be reckoned with. I’m excited for ya’ll to see what we’ve come up with. 

Yeah, I suppose. We are a year-round studio, so they’re Nationals is in July and they’re back in competition by September. I will say, though, that a lot of our kids are brand new to their divisions. They’re on the younger side of their age divisions, so you might be a top competitor. 

I’m looking forward to some friendly smack talk this weekend. 

[turnerpike]

Yeah, ya know, we’re only about ten practices away from our first competition. Couple costumes need adjusting, some music needs revamping, but I’m not too worried. For our first official season, I think we’ll do decent.

[mimipaloma]

Get ready to get your asses kicked, Pike. 

[mimipaloma]

elijbates​:

Thankfully, it was Mimi who appeared behind Eli and not one of the guys who’d surely bust his balls over hearing the voicemail. Rumors had spread around the houses that she wasn’t having the best first few days of vacation, and Eli could instantly sense that from her energy alone. He could see Mimi was trying, she was, but she couldn’t fake the faker. When she spoke of Zander, Eli instantly understood everything, and a small lump formed in his own throat. 

“Agh, yeah,” He swallowed, “I think about him a lot, you know. Every time I see one of the guys posts I always think’a him actually. My brain’ll go where’s Zan? and then I remember and get that nasty fucking feeling in my stomach.”

There were some moments in Eli’s life that he was especially proud of like adopting Lily without a second thought, stepping in to raise Sailor after Marina’s death and taking over his father’s record label and making it successful. And then there were some moments in Eli’s life that he wasn’t too proud of. He regretted ruining things with Gemma and tarnishing their friendship. He hated himself for being led on all of these years by the beautiful, brunette girl who insisted she wanted everything yet nothing to do with him. He didn’t like the relationship he had with Maisie. He wasn’t proud of how he handled himself with women in general, but it was almost like sometimes Eli was a moving train that he couldn’t hop off of. He just kept going at full-speed with no stops or hesitations. Yet just then, he wasn’t proud of how he’d strung Mimi on all of those years ago. They’d done a few things together that looking back at now Eli wishes they could’ve not done, but the past was the past, he supposed. He still regretted it. She was young and naive and full of fresh, welcome-to-Brooksville trauma and while Mimi had consented, it still left him feeling like an asshole after all of these years. Especially now that he had a daughter of his own. 

As the sun continued to creep towards the horizon, spreading more oranges and yellows across the sky, Eli quietly sat down. He didn’t care about dirtying his pants, and the houses had washers and dryers in all of them anyways. He gently patted the sand next to him, an invitation for Mimi to take a seat, and cleared his throat. He wished he had better words to say, but this vacation was draining all of the people-pleasing and people-entertaining, juices from him all at once. “Hey…” After a few silent moments, Eli finally turned to Mimi, “I don’t know if I ever said sorry. For…everything. So…I am. And, you’re a strong ass woman. I know he’d be so proud of you.” 

If she was being honest, Mimi would have said she wanted to book the next flight home and go back to Brooksville. Not everyone came on the trip, so she wouldn’t be home alone. She really just didn’t want to be around everyone being so happy. Rae and Atti were off doing who-knows-what with Caiden and Britton, most likely, or even Maisie and Cal. Milania and Travis were busy with the girls, and Mollie and Noel were running around like the best of friends too. Mimi was really just feeling left out. And lonely. And jealous. And though everyone was trying their best to be around Mimi in this weird mood she’d been in, no one was doing anything helpful. And, again, if she was being honest, Mimi wasn’t looking for support. She was really just sympathy seeking. She wanted to hear someone say, I’m so sorry you’re going through that. That really must suck. But she knew that if anyone said that to her, she’d instantly be annoyed. No one got it. No one would really ever get it. Well... not everyone. Booker would have. Atti did. But Mimi couldn’t talk to Atti, and she didn’t remember the last time she talked to Booker before he moved out. So instead, she sat with Eli on the beach, sand covering her feet and bottom. 

Eli caught her attention, and she met his blue eyes with her brown. He was beautiful. His slightly sunburned cheeks, beauty marks all over his face, curly brown hair, and of course, she couldn’t forget, those baby blue eyes. She understood why everyone loved him. He was sunshine. There really wasn’t any wonder why Maisie had fallen so hard, so fast for him. There was no wonder why Bryce, even was still a puppy dog around him. Mimi never felt like that for Eli... She thought he was sunshine. She thought he could be on the next season of the Bachelorette. She thought he was good enough to fool around with in the laundry room, and she was still embarrassed that she was ever involved with that in the first place, but still. She understood where everyone was coming from with their adoration, but she just relied on him as a brother. And hearing his apology did her some good. 

“Thank you,” she nodded. The sun was continuing to set, and in the back of her mind, she could see all of them sitting out there together. She could imagine Rae and Atti. Eli and... well, honestly, Mimi was a big fan of Eli and Maisie, but she forced the picture of Devon into her mind because that seemed more likely. And herself and Zander. She could see the six of them sitting there, watching the sunset. Running out into the water with surfboards and glow sticks. Then eating smores on the beach at the bonfire. Giggling as they snuck back into whatever house. She could smell the salt water, sand, and sweat coming off of Zander in the shower they were taking together. And she could practically feel the cool, clean sheets on her sunburned body. 

But that’s not what was actually happening. 

That was a fantasy. 

That was a story Mimi would make up to make herself feel better. 

It wasn’t real. 

It would never be real. 

And that was a sour feeling. 

Mimi nodded, twisting one of the braided friendship bracelets she had on her wrist. “I mean it. Thank you. It’s not been easy, and I thought I was doing better, but then we came here. And... I don’t know. I miss him. I miss Rae. I miss my mom.” She wiped away a tear that has escaped. “But I know I can’t just sit and wish away this feeling and wish him back. Or wish my mom back. Or wish I was Rae’s priority. I just gotta keep pushing through. I don’t feel like I have much of a choice, but... I think I gotta just keep going and hope I don’t burn out.” Some quiet moments passed and Mimi looked back over to Eli. She leaned over and rested her head on his shoulder, physical touch was totally her love language, and she took a deep breath. “Do you miss him?” Her voice cracked, fighting back the tears. “Cause I can’t help but think that no one even remembers he was here. I feel like I’m the only one who remembers him or who thinks about him..." She sat back up, wiping the tears that fell from her eyes to her nose. “Sorry. You don’t have to answer that. I’m just... having a moment.”

[mimipaloma]

elijbates​:

golden hour

“Dad, dad! Watch me ride in this wave!” Sailor shouted from the ocean, riding his body board through the water and skidding onto the beach.

Lily had her pink sunglasses propped on her nose like a teenager, “I hope you fall!”

“Hey that’s not nice!” Eli nudged her playfully, “It would be funny though, huh?”

“Mhm,” She giggled before taking off down the beach with her iPhone to get a perfect sunset photo with her friends.

Soon, Eli would pry Sailor out of the water and get him cleaned up for dinner. He’d grab Lily too and make sure she brushed her teeth, but he knew she’d be far more put together than the tornado-with-shoes-on that they called Sailor. Eli’d clean himself up too, and then they’d all chow down on the BBQ dinner Nora had prepared for them that evening. And after that? Well, Eli didn’t know. A part of him knew it was only a four hour plane ride back to LA to find Devon. If he left after dinner, he could always make it back to Hawaii by tomorrow when the kids’d wake up. He wouldn’t do that…obviously, but the more he thought of the idea, the more he kinda liked it.

He was staying in a beach house with Britton and Caiden being the House Mom and House Dad. It was strange for him to not be the head honcho of something. Eli was always the head honcho. He was the favorite. He prided himself on many things, and one of ‘em was that he liked being in charge, and he was pretty good at it. Now, he wasn’t. And to make matters worse - Maisie and Cal were sharing and leading a home…and bed too. It made him want Devon so bad he got an anxious feeling up his spine that he had to shake his head to rid. 

Eli figured he’d let Sailor play in the water for another few minutes and maybe he’d just call her and leave a message. Perhaps she’d even pick up. It wasn’t the worst idea in the world, and he decided now would be a better time than later after he’d had some drinks and would babble more. So, he dialed her, and as expected, Devon didn’t pick up. “Hey…it’s me,” His voice was deep from sleepiness and he spoke a little slow, “I’m in Hawaii with the family. I think maybe Gemma told you we were all coming down here. Or maybe Dulce or Gianni. I don’t know. But, we’re here. It’s beautiful and…it’s making me think of you. I hope you’re doing okay. Alright…talk to you soon. Bye.” 

Eli looked at his phone for a moment before he hung up, clearing his throat and trying to enjoy the beautiful, glowing sky in front of him as he heard someone approaching. “Ah,” He exhaled, a little embarrassed, “Hi. Gorgeous sunset, huh?” 

On the first day, Mimi spent the entire afternoon in bed. Between crying, napping, and watching TV. On the second day of vacation, Mimi didn’t get out of bed. Not even to turn the light on. Milania was nice enough to bring her food and drinks, but she didn’t speak to anyone and she didn’t leave her bedroom. On the third day, Mimi woke up early and ate breakfast with everyone in Milania’s house. She spent the morning playing with Fifi and Mona, and in the afternoon, she put on her bathing suit and went outside. She spent most of the day alone. She didn’t talk, really. She would answer questions if people asked, but she didn’t make an effort to hold a conversation. 

Mimi was only outside for about an hour before she decided to pack it up and go back inside. She changed and sat in the living room of Nora’s house. She helped Nora prepare for dinner, but she mostly just sat alone. Her eyes were puffy and her voice was weak. She was just tired. She ate dinner at her spot on the couch, careful to not spill any sauce on the white couch. She smiled at Willow and Arlo dancing in front of the TV and she thought Waverly looked beautiful with Milo on her hip. She wondered what Waverly and Rooney’s children would look like. She smiled. 

After a while, she got up, rinsed her plate to put in the dishwasher, and walked out of the house. Eli was standing alone, and for the first time all day, she felt the desire for connection. So she just walked up next to him, looking out on the water. The sun was going down. Eli made a comment that it was gorgeous, and Mimi nodded. “Yeah,” she was able to spit out. “I wish Zander was here to see it.” She didn’t plan on bringing him up, but she knew Eli and Zander were close. And with Jax and Luke not picking up the phone, he was one of the few people in the world who truly knew him. And Mimi wondered if Eli ever missed him. No one would miss him like she did, but maybe if she knew that someone else did, she wouldn’t feel so alone.

[mimipaloma]

like angels can fly, we'll never die

Mimi thought about Zander every time she was in an airport, but this time was different. They were at the same exact gate this time that Mimi and Zander were spotted at the first time. Those pictures circulated the internet and her life was forever changed. Her friends stopped talking to her. People at school wanted to be friends just because of them. And it solidified her relationship with him. They were found out, and they never tried to hide again. When Zander died, a part of Mimi died. It had been almost four years since he died, and Mimi still wasn’t the same. She listened to his music the entire way to Hawaii, thinking about a conversation they once had. 

“If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?” He asked. 

Mimi thought for a while, “Hawaii.”

“Hawaii?” He sounded confused. “Anywhere in the world not the country.”

“I mean it! I think Hawaii is beautiful, and I’ve never been.” Mimi explained. “You’ve already been on a world tour, so it’s not fair for you to judge my dreams.”

Zander laughed, “Okay, okay. I just figured if I was going to plan a trip for us, it would be to somewhere like... Italy or Paris or... I don’t know, Bali.”

“We can go there for our honeymoon,” she teased. “I wanna to go Hawaii first.”

Zander just pulled her closer, taking her in, “Okay babe, we can go to Hawaii.”

They never made it to Hawaii or even to a wedding day, so any dream of having the honeymoon in Europe was over. Now, she flipped through wedding magazines, not for herself but for Rae. Rae and Atti were getting married. Travis and Milania had been engaged for ages, and Casey and Stone’s wedding was coming up that fall. Before she knew it, Caiden and Britton would be married. Colbie and Soren. Maybe even Cal and Maisie, and by then Bryce and Ryder would’ve probably eloped. Mimi always thought she’d be the first. Maybe not before Milania and Travis, but definitely before Rae, though she’d never say that outloud. 

Because there were so many of them on the plane, they all sorta chose where they sat. Everyone was switching seats. Rae and Atti sat together, Mollie and Noel were together. Britton and Caiden. Isaiah was sitting with Brooklyn and Noa to help with the triplets, even. Though since that one failed date, her relationship with Isaiah hadn’t been quite right. Mimi sat in a row with Kennedy and Mina, and though she didn’t really mind, she wished she had a friend to talk to. So instead, she just listened to Zander’s music. Particularly Beside You, over and over and over again. It was her favorite of his. It was a song about her. 

Once they were all settled at the houses, Mimi got changed and walked out to the beach, putting her feet in the sand and water, trailing her fingers across the top of the water. Tears poured from her eyes almost immediately, and she just sat there and cried and cried and cried. One of the little girls must have gotten Nora because after a while, Nora grabbed a towel, draped it around Mimi’s shoulders, and brought her in to get dry and calmed down. Nora put her in the bathtub at her house, running the water until it was lukewarm and let Mimi scrub the sand off of her body. 

Mimi calmed down enough to finish a bath, get changed, and head down stairs for a snack. Nora’s home was sort of like the hub. That’s where a lot of the supplies were and the good snacks that were in bulk. If you needed something, Nora’s house was definitely set up for it. It was only the first day and Mimi could tell that already. Nora made it clear though--Mimi did not have to participate in anything on the vacation that she wasn’t ready for. She didn’t have to be out on the beach. She could stay in her room the entire time. 

“Where’s Rae?” Mimi asked once she reached the kitchen. Someone rattled off that she and Atti met up with Britton and Caiden at a waterfall, but that Atti had organized dinner for everyone and they’d be back soon. She asked where Avalon was after, and Bo pointed at the door of Grey’s room, warning her not to go in. Kinley and Kylie were out taking pictures with Morgan shortly behind them, and Mollie and Noel were on a walk too. Mimi just wanted to scream. She didn’t know what to do, where to go, or who to talk to. So she grabbed her phone from the counter, a juice box from the fridge, and a kiss on the cheek from Nora before she went back to Milania’s house, just the next door over. 

“Mimi!” Ramona called from the living room. She was in a matching swimsuit with Frieda. “Will you come down to the water with me and Fifi and Papi?”

“Oh, girls, I don’t know if Mimi’s feeling up to it. She just took a bath,” Travis said... News spread quickly. 

“Maybe in a little bit,” Mimi said, petting her hair. “Thank you for inviting me.”

Travis gave her a smile, and Mimi popped the straw in her juice box and walked up the stairs to her room. She opened the drawer, pulled out a box, and then the bottle of Zander’s cologne. She sprayed it on a t-shirt and slipped into it, crawling into her bed. Her AirPods snug in her ears, Mimi clicked the song she had on repeat all day. She just wanted to be beside him. 

When we both wake up underneath the same sun And time stops, I wish that I could rewind So close but so far away...

[mimipaloma]

raecunningham​:

Hm? Oh, no, I’m okay. I’m just…thinking of my mom and dad. With every happy, exciting moment I have comes that creeping reminder that they won’t be there to celebrate with me. It’s heavy, but it’s….alright. I’m still living in my engagement dreamland. I don’t think anything could really ruin my mood too much right now.

Oooh, when do you want to go dress shopping? What season are you thinking? I’m so excited for you. Can I plan a bridal shower for you?

[mimipaloma]

[mimipaloma]

theonagy​:

Like out loud? Noooo way.

What’s the worst that could happen? He doesn’t like you back? No biggie. You make him fall in love with you anyway because you just don’t care and his rejection doesn’t shake you.

[mimipaloma]

milaniapollo​:

I’ll kick her ass to the freaking moon. 

Get more details for me.

I’ll definitely try, but you know how she is. She says things for shock factor.

[mimipaloma]

avalonshaff​:

Yeah. I think a lot of us secretly thought that way about you guys too. Hey, can I tell you something?

Anything, Av.

[mimipaloma]

gagemarcello​:

You’re probably right. I’ll tell ya, I never imagined there’d be so much to competitive dance, and now I’ll be taping a practice and think to myself “Holy shit, that Rond de Jambe was awful,” and I’m like damn it, Gage, how did we even get here? 

A day in the life. Too bad you have little boys. Otherwise you’d be a hot dance dad.... I mean, I guess you still could be. But parents of boys in dance are different than parents of girls in dance.