Mindcurrent Dimension

Everything, nothing, and many words...

[mindcurrent-dimension]

We are merely ants

Crushed for a greater being's convenience

[mindcurrent-dimension]

Most of my regrets are all the things I wish I had the courage to do sooner

I won't wait around for life to happen to me any longer

I will happen to the world and my regrets will be my own

[mindcurrent-dimension]

All this time I've spent hating myself

Grieving the person I would've been

Carrying the burdens in silence

Letting it wither my soul

If only

I hadn't let it all break me in the first place

If only

I could just forget

The pain was over long ago

And yet I've blamed myself

For the way I changed to survive

I never gave myself the chance

To heal from the pain

A child had to endure

It wasn't her fault

[mindcurrent-dimension]

I found sanctuary in my mind

Where my fear remained real

And my horrors turned to fiction

My armor forged of possibility

Is worth its quiet suffering

Preparing for a battle that may never come

When reality comes for me,

Sharp and unforgiving,

I will bleed for no one

[mindcurrent-dimension]

I don't remember the comments of strangers

The criticisms born in frustration

The judgement, ignorance, and misplaced anger

Their words hold no weight to me

I remember the first time my mom told me she hated me

The disappointment in her eyes, a vision I can't bury

I remember my father's anger more than his words

I spent my time avoiding his raised hand

Friends come and go

Their words remained etched in my perceptions of self

I don't know when I gave so much power to those I love

But I never learned how to take it back

Their words are not burdens to carry

They've grown in my bones

I am being dragged to the ground by my own body

I struggle to stand another second

Another thing to change

Another reason to stay away

[mindcurrent-dimension]

Aphrodite spoke to me today

She demanded I heed her words

To remove the hands of society from my body

Made me swear to rip the envy from my heart

Spoke of self loathing as a sin worse than pride

Beauty isn't something that is made

Only something to be found

[mindcurrent-dimension]

and there it all was

my graveyard

now unburied

brittle bones piled high

all the secrets I forgot I had kept

I know I had hoped to forget

I didn't know what it meant to let go

I dug another hole

hoped the worms would feed on my fear

make them a little easier to feel

maybe make it all disappear

I realise now they were never truly buried

the circle of life has a funny way of

bringing things back around

the same spirit

a different form

the boom of thunder

as light crashes through the storm

the burning of the forest

in the afternoon summer heat

where pumpkins rot

with smiles carved into their flesh

the wind whispers me my future

and I always listen closely

impending doom

my favourite bedtime story

and now I find these bodies here

unearthed

staring me in the face

I do not put them back into the earth

one day I won't need them anymore

until then I can't keep pretending they never lived

[mindcurrent-dimension]

I'm not supposed to be here

I don't belong in this place

And yet I cannot leave

This is where I am now

I have no choice but to face it

I crumble inside knowing

I should never have come here

I wonder why

I have forgotten myself

I follow where reality thins

Threatens to unravel before me

It always stop a second too soon

Where I feel the other side

A veil over my mind

Nothing is becoming

From everything

All the same

Another tragedy before my eyes

Let me go

The trials I pray

Leave me some of my sanity

I'm sorry for today

For the tomorrows to come

Please forgive the loss of my humanity

It was never mine to keep

[mindcurrent-dimension]

I find myself incontrollable

Seeking even an ounce of security

Fear owns me

However

I cannot allow its ruin to grasp me

I will not be frozen in time

[mindcurrent-dimension]

Still searching for the words to tell you how your softest moments warm my heart. It's always the little things.. the excitement in your voice, catching your breath after a bout of laughter, that smile I'm desperate to conjure even just for a second. There is comfort in your character, a sweetness born of genuine care. Your words carry the kind of love that leaves me hopeful.

I live for the smallest moments with you

[mindcurrent-dimension]

How many times have you been here?

Do you never learn?

I thought I was on mars

Tomorrow I will be among the stars

Just another nameless delusion

You won't survive here long

How does one stay tethered here?

When there are so many places to be

I've never left the ground

But you've never come back

You've never jumped?

I'm sure I'll watch you fall

What if just this once.. I fly?

You'll die in a fairytale

You're in an abyss of nothing at all

What is the difference?

At least I'm spending my life in reality

While you've never known sanity

You think I'm insane

Because in a world without eyes

I can see

[mindcurrent-dimension]

And then I'm right back there again

Just a kid who speaks incessantly

Where silence falls between sentences

Desperate for acknowledgement

A silent plea to be heard

[mindcurrent-dimension]

I'm still the same scared kid under all of this effort. An idiot faking my way through ap classes, talking about things I strive to learn but will never truly understand. Parading around like I know where to be when I never had a schedule to begin with.

I'm wearing their clothes, I'm stealing their faces.

Studying all night to barely pass the test in the morning. I sneak into places I'm not supposed to be and never let anyone close enough to see I've been trying to fake my way into a degree.

The day I convinced myself the illusion was strong enough was the day I succumbed to failure. It was always a child's dreamlike fantasy, never based in reality. I let people meet a version of me- easy to live with and hard to be. It was never enough for you or for me. The light dims, the cold seeps in. Of course you can't meet my gaze. My eyes a final desperate plea.

I catch your eyes in passing, in the middle of a grocery store, where I see you and you never see me. I'm back where I started, with deeper longing in my soul and no place to call home. All is forgiven, I couldn't bear to burden you a moment longer anyway. The guilt would have gnawed at my bones for eternity

I promise myself I'll ignore the burning, to pretend I am easy to stomach. Desire is fleeting. Desperation doesn't leave, I've wanted nothing more than to be seen

[mindcurrent-dimension]

The smell of a looming thunderstorm

Taste of another forest fire

Warm air

Chill in the breeze

A divine intersection

In the wake of disaster

Before chaos rips the sky apart

A semblance of beauty survives

One human made a little less alone

In perfect midday weather

Destruction seemed a little kinder

-my mind

[mindcurrent-dimension]

Please don't take this from me too

Or take it quick

I don't want to let go so soon

I'd drink poison all my life if it tasted sweet enough

Anything from you

-my mind

[mindcurrent-dimension]

"Did you ever find it?"

Find what?

"You forgot you were looking, didn't you?"

[mindcurrent-dimension]

People walking the streets

The buildings are ablaze

Stepping through the flames

Blaming the sun for the heat

Unflinching, hardly fazed

Light another cigarette

Make the smoke a little sweet

Clothing singed at the edges

Anything for fashion's sake

Dying on the streets

Fire in the fields

Everyone is burning

I stand on the edge of sanity

Watching the world burn away

While they preach

it's always been this way

-my mind