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[mindlessrants9999999999999999999]

I dont know what im doing with my life, all ive done for these school holidays is sit in my room and do nothing productive. I feel so lonely yet i have such great friends and i refuse to even interact with people beyond liking their posts. I am so utterly conflicted in my brain i feel like its tearing itself apart i dont know whats wrong with me. All that goes through my brain is contradictions: "itd be cool to make friends, but dont do that because thats scary and you arent interesting enough for people to like you", "play some games, but I dont want to play any games even the ones I love and adore", "try writing some music, But youre completely useless at writing and you can barely even play guitar", "I despereatly need to study, so im not even gonna open my notes at all in the week ive had off school right before exams". I really dont understand why i ant just do what i need to and enjoy stuff, and its so easy for my friends, especially my best friend to study and revise. My boyfriend recently said "well academia isnt always for everyone" trying to cheer me up about my future because im so miserable in school, but honestly it kind of just urked me in a way, becuase unfortunately it may not be for everyone but its pretty much the only option of survival for the future. I love my boyfriend dearly and i know he was just trying to help so I dont blame him or anything it just doesnt solve anything and im left still just knowing im going to end up either dead by 25 from homelessness, or be a lazy fucking bum who does nothing with my life and ill be the shame of the family.

[mindlessrants9999999999999999999]

I have such lovely friends and an absolutely stellar, fantastic, out of this world amazing boyfriend that i do truly and utterly appreciate, however i often sit alone in my room and i feel so empty, as if i dont know anyone. ofcourse i understand that my friends cant be there 24/7 to talk to me i get that, so i tried to force myself to interact with people online, however i really just dont know how, no matter how much my lovely best friend tried to help me i was just so terrified and anxious that i couldnt bring myself to do it, and i feel bad for getting help from my friend because she wasted so much time on a futile cause because of my own social incompetence. thats why i made this account, seperate from my personal one so that none of my friends know its me and i can speak my mind without burdening them with trying to help me, they are not psychologists they already do enough for me. but circling back to my original point, i really just feel so shit all the time, like im just a husk of a human that shouldnt exist, I dont do anything productive, nor do i do anything i enjoy really, the few things i do for enjoyment i either am once again hindered by my social ineptitude and cant speak to the people im playing with or even play in fill lobbies because of my utter terror at the utter thought of me and my abilities being fucking perceived. I think it partially stems from my constant inability to do things outside of playing games and forcing myself to do the absolute minimum in terms of schoolwork (usually late too) with the very occasional bit of guitar playing that is actually fun and helpful and not just noodling for dopamine. but yeah idk