The Less I Know, The Better
Nothing serious happened. We didn’t even happen, yet it hurts still. Why? Why did you decide to say it when I was actually trying to move on and let you go?
I thought, all this time, everything I did was meaningless. I thought you didn’t care at all since all this time you were cold to me; the way you replied showed like you didn’t care. You didn’t even reply, many times. I thought I was just another muse. Why? Why now?
Is it because you will soon go back home to your country? So you think that it’s okay to tell me all those things since we will probably never see each other again?
Or is it because you are just plain bored?
Hell! Did you even mean all those things you said to me?
Did you do it because I made you uncomfortable, so you thought by ’softly’, ’kindly’ rejecting me, I will stop? You phrased your words that way, so I wouldn’t get hurt too much. Is that why?
There are so many things I want to ask you. Why? What’s the reason behind it? Why did you decide to tell me? What do you want? What do you actually want from ME? This, that....
But I don’t. Honey, I am trying my best not to ask you, not to text you, not to disturb you ever again. Because I know you won’t care. I know that, most likely, you will not answer. Just like usual.
I was on my way. I was on my way to move on and to let you go. I was in the middle of the process of accepting the truth that you are unreachable. Or like how I told you, you are one of my impossibles. But then, you said all those words, which for sure break me.
Right. I am sorry. It is not completely your fault. You didn’t want to tell me at a point. It was actually my own fault since I pushed you to tell me. But you brought it up. If you hadn’t had the will to tell me, you wouldn’t have mentioned about it.
It’s like happiness, relief, heart broken and sadness strike me at the same time. I am happy I found out that you, surprisingly, cared and thought about it, about me, about our situation. I am happy I found out that my feelings weren’t unrequited. I am happy and relieved that you told me the truth (although I still have doubts). But I’m also heartbroken because I HAD the chance. I was always wondering, all this time, I thought I fell alone. I’m heartbroken and sad because, literally, everything ALMOST happened. I’m sad because you weren’t honest about how you feel; you acted like you didn’t care. I’m utterly sad because almost is always never enough.
“You sound level headed.” Oh honey, you didn’t see me broke down into tears when I read what you wrote. That was why I couldn’t say, I couldn’t type anything to reply immediately. It felt like my brain stopped working. I was surprised. My hands were shaking and my heart was beating harder and faster than usual. But I didn’t want to look weak and pathetic. I didn’t want to show that it was painful. It still is. I didn’t want you to think that I am weak. I didn’t want you to know that it hurts me.
The thoughts of knowing that you won’t care about it if you know hurts me more.
Now it makes sense why you think it is weird to be around someone and develop a ‘thing’ for them. Yes, it is weird. We barely talked in real life and were more like strangers to each other. We barely interacted with each other, yet I have this particular feeling for you. Yet I happen to develop a ‘thing’ for you. It’s not ‘love’, because ‘love’ is such one greater feeling. But it’s too strong to be just ‘like’. It’s a feeling between ‘like’ and ‘love’. So weird, I know.
Finally, now it reminds me of the song you gave me. It is, indeed, the less I know, the better.
annaxmalina
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