minduntethered

buckets of thought and blankets of feeling

[minduntethered]

“i can’t comprehend that one day i will cease to be. to never exist again for eternity? how do you live life so ignorant to a fact so terrifying? how is anything enjoyable?”

he turns to me. “it’s like sleeping. do you know when you fall asleep or what happens in between? the conversations you missed that happened down the hall? that song on the radio that wasn’t loud enough to wake you?”

he pauses then before he continues. “it’s just like that. you simply don’t know. so do all the knowing now. that way, when the day comes, you’ll be content in sleeping just a little while longer.”

[minduntethered]

words are much too weak to match what your eyes are telling me.

[minduntethered]

“so then let me ask you this,” he tilts his head at me and squints. “would you play a game you were guaranteed to win?”

i shrug, looking up at the sky as i tuck my hands into my pockets. “well no, i don’t think so. just seems kinda boring. i know the end, so why waste my time?”

“so then what’s making you wait for a guarantee out of life? why aren’t you enjoying the fact that you have absolutely no idea what the hell you’re doing?”

…

[minduntethered]

there is no greater intimacy than the mind. no one on earth knows what lies beneath your soul, yet you’ve made the choice to show me. that is infinitely more intentional, immeasurably more desirable, than any lazy hand on skin.

[minduntethered]

[minduntethered]

"somewhere, i believe there is a place so beautiful that is waiting for me beyond this unsettling limbo of who i once was and who i soon will be."

[minduntethered]

"im looking at her. i see how she’s reading their faces and studying their behaviors and i wonder if she notices. i wonder if she notices that amongst all of it, i am the one watching her."

[minduntethered]

“but believe me, if i don’t write out this longing or strum out this sorrow then i am certain it will kill me.”

[minduntethered]

i realize then that i’ve lied to myself for a very, very long time. i have wanted and waited to one day be uncovered, but now, as he looks at me like he knows what i need and all that i want, i can’t seem to think of anything more terrifying than this.

[minduntethered]

“i am just so afraid.” i confess. “im so worried that this will all be over. that this is all im good for.”

she flashes a soft smile. “you must realize that none of this was ever yours to begin with. once you do, everything becomes a gift.”

[minduntethered]

as i get older, i increasingly wonder why i waited so long to be young

[minduntethered]

“but how do you admit it so casually? like, the way you feel,” she asks me. “aren’t you worried that it isn’t mutual? or that it’ll one day disappear if it were?”

i smile then. “there is nothing to gain. i don’t love for the hopes of an exchange. i love because im capable of it. why should that be something someone has to figure out? i love you and i think you should know. there’s not much more to it than that.”

[minduntethered]

“i want someone i admire to see me and be so sure about it. to look at me and think, ‘yeah, i mean something to that girl.’ there is so little we can guarantee here. at the very least, i’d prefer that my love be indisputable.”

[minduntethered]

he looks at me incredulously when he says, “you are aware of your own ignorance, i hope. there is so much before you that is desperate for your recognition, yet you for some reason believe there is something more to acquire.”

[minduntethered]

fear is like an ordinary enemy. it is envious of your freedom, your trust. all it wants is to stop being treated like a disease and it’ll quit all that chatter.

[minduntethered]

“please,” i say. “don’t look at me like that. i can’t sit here and do nothing when you look at me like that.”

[minduntethered]

i took a moment to look at him. i took a moment to notice that he has no idea. he has no idea how much i would do. how much i would give. how far i would go. just for him. he has no clue in the world.