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@miramami
Okay, Iām okay now. But like wtf is going on
Oggi cosƬ
Iām fine until Iām not.
Most days I can carry it well. Then something small breaks the surface and suddenly Iām underwater.
I linger in sleep because itās the only place he still feels close. Waking up feels like remembering a death that hasnāt happened.
And then begins the daily search for enough comfort, distraction, or dopamine to make peace with not knowing how heās doing. Iām fine really, I am.
Iām fine
I think it was the feeling of being loved back that I obsessively tried to get back. That feeling of togetherness that lasted a second. Once again, I identified after it was too late. Now what remains is appreciation, gratitude, and embarrassment. Once again, Iāve identified my limitations. Walking forward with directions on the map.
Desperately hoping to reach some version of me where everything is made better. And I find love, a true love of my own. But it looks like the end of the world has come again, and all I can do is hope heāll be okay
Tears.
Crazy I was mistaken for nonchalant.
That was āguarded and afraid.ā Iām extremely āchalantā
5:00 am: I woke up from a dream that wasnāt even about him⦠just missing him. Itās like a slow cooked pain. Granted, I also have rollers in my hair.
Guess Iām truly heartbroken. How is it that you can grow so deeply attached to someone youāve only known for a brief moment in time? He made me feel emotionally alive, seen in a way I hadnāt been for years. For so long I wandered through the mundane, and now I sit staring at the scattered pieces, hoping they were real⦠hoping they still form the beautiful picture I believed I was holding. Hoping all the pieces are still somewhere in the box, even if itās destined to sit on a shelf collecting dust.
A box filled with little treasures from the Spring. Memories already beginning to fade at the edges, slowly turning into echoes against the ceiling of my mind. Phantoms of joy. Glimpses of warmth. The memory of a safety net that only seemed to hold us for a day.
I donāt know why itās impacted me this deeply. I wasnāt expecting any of this.
Guess it will leave a mark for a while.