Light Up Your Truth @miriamelizabethw - Tumblr Blog

Forgiveness

Old Friend,

Let my silence speak louder than my words. Let the space in between my words speak louder than my voice. Let the silence speak.

You are forgiven.

Hi *****, I find myself being triggered by your lack of response when I text/call you. I'm not quite sure of the energetic connection between the two of us. I do truly believe it's to teach us both something. Something profound. I can already start to see the learning unfold. I'm learning that most of the men in my life take up a significant amount of space in our conversations. It's always about their unhappy/unhealthy relationship with their girlfriend and how much they don't like their job. I've allowed myself to always be available and to always be "the friend" to them and you. For years, it's felt really safe to be the friend. To hold space for them to vent and talk. To be there emotionally for them. I feel like I'm emotionally satisfying these men in my life. I've chosen to do this. But I'm feeling emotionally drained on the other end of it. Then I get mad at myself and say it won't happen again. And the cycle and pattern just continues. I'm struggling to find the balance between being a friend and being... whatever it is I've been. I don't tell them much about the troubles in my life... For fear of taking up space. And fear of pushing them away. And fear that they won't like me anymore because I've changed so much. I also don't want to be told what to do. I just want to heard, listened to, and caught. This isn't about them. This is about you and me... I fear pushing you away. I fear that if I don't respond to your text or call that I won't get another chance to talk to you. And that always feels really true.

I'm so readily available to you. I give so much of myself to you. Time. Energy. Healing. I know that's all my choice and it feels good in the moment to know I'm helping you on some level. I love that actually. I still feel incredibly attracted to you and the conversations that we have. And I don't know what to do with that. I know we never worked out and that probably means we never will. But I'd be lying if I said that I didn't want us to. I still think at the end of the day, it will be you. I don't know why I'm so suck on that. Feels like the young desperate version of myself. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. When we talk it feels as though no time has passed. When I do speak in my truth and say whatever it is I need to say to you. I feel safe. And I know you accept me as I am. I do believe that. You've always just allowed me to be me. I love the safety that I feel with you. That keeps the attraction to you going. That's something I desire so deeply in a relationship. When I think of being in a relationship. Or when I think of the relationships I've been in. "If ***** were to want to make it work, I would" It sounds absolutely crazy. But at this point in time and my recent past, if you were to say 'Miriam I want to be with you. I love you.' I would do it. I would be willing to explore that again. Crazy? I don't know what that says about me. But I do know my own thoughts hold me back from exploring other relationships. I've always on some level, whether you were in my life or not, compared the men I've dated to you. Their ability to make me laugh, their intelligence, their friendships with other men, their ambition, etc... the list goes on... All the qualities that make you YOU. All the qualities I hold so high and that matter so much to me. I'm really hurting right now. And I'm sad. I don't think it's fair that when you're in need I'm always there to listen. But when I need something, there's no sign of you. I know you think/know that I'm strong. And fine. And have plenty of friends in my life when times are tough. Which is all very much true, but sometimes I just want to be able to share things with you. I need you to give me the same amount of time and energy and love as I give you. Until then... I have to let our friendship go. It makes me so sad. I don't know what else to do. I'll miss you! I do already. I know that I need to move on and I know we'll both grow from this. I wish you the absolute best! I truly mean that. From the bottom of my heart. Love always, Miriam

#truthbomb healing lightupyourtruth bolderbiggerbrighter divinelyguided

Sacrifice

A dear friend of mine told me that relationships are about sacrifice.

Wait? What!?

There isn’t a cell in my body, a fiber of my being that believes that! I don’t believe it for a second.

Let’s just look up the definition of sacrifice: 1. an act of offering to a deity something precious; especially : the killing of a victim on an altar 2. something offered in sacrifice 3. destruction or surrender of something for the sake of something else *Thank you Merriam Webster*

That’s what relationships require?! Yikes!

Yes, I suppose when you’re operating from a place of fear rather than love, then there is sacrifice.

But when you’re operating from love rather than fear, there’s communication. There’s communication and collaboration. You’re not sacrificing.

I’ve been asked questions like… “Do you really think you’re going to meet your ideal man?” “Do you think he’s going to be into everything that you’re into?” “Don’t you think you’ll have to give up things to be with him?” “Don’t you think you need to lower your standards?” Yes, yes, no, and hell no!

Yes, I believe he’s out there. As a beautiful loving friend reminded me, “he’s not where you’ve been, he’s where you’re going”. Mmm

Yes, he’s going to be into the things I’m into, otherwise it wouldn’t work at all. We don’t have to do everything together, but there will be a mutual understanding and respect for each others work.

No, I don’t believe I have to give up things to be with him. If I have to give up Bikram, Kundalini, Barre, Healing Circle, WOW Talks, etc… then again, it’s not the ideal relationship. It won’t last.

And hell no, I do no need to lower my standards, are you crazy? Then I’ll end up in the relationships from my past and repeat the same damn pattern. I don’t think so.

As I quickly approach 30, of course there’s some shame that I carry with me, not having been in a “real” relationship. I admire the friends around me that are in healthy and unconditional loving relationships.

The “real” relationship I’m currently in and fully participating in, is the relationship with myself.

I truly believe that we all deserve to be in the best absolute relationship we desire. Why not?

It’s easy to believe it about our friends and people we love in our life. Why is it so hard for us to believe it about ourselves?

I would rather be single than live in fear. I would rather be single than be in a relationships because I’m operating from fear of being alone. Fear of what others might think of me. Fear of not doing things the way society encourages us to do them… get married, buy a house, have baby…etc.

My divine order may not look like that, and I trust that it will look exactly as it’s supposed to.

With unconditional love and collaboration, Miriam

#sacrifice #chooselove #chooselovenotfear

Unconditional Self Love

Whoa, very fitting for what I’ve been writing about this morning.

“When it comes to matters of the heart, your help is here. It’s all around you, and also inside of you. Your inner wisdom may seem quieted by any pain that you feel. Yet, be assured that the healing your undergoing is swift and efficient, and truly are healing from the inside out. First, your heart must heal from its grief, loneliness, and any feelings of betrayal.

This can take some time, so be patient with yourself. Treat yourself you would any ailing person: with caution, gentleness, and tenderness. Nature is the great healer. You’ll revive your sense of spirit, and your desire to tread among the living once again. I promise you that your heart will mend, and that you’ll also help others in this fashion along the way.”

Fascinating!

Unconditional Self Love

Why is it so hard to unconditionally love ourselves? Unconditionally loving others is easy. Well… not always easy, but definitely easier.

This morning I wrote a letter to my 17-29 year old self. Looking back at her, I love her, but bringing myself back to that age and time makes me cringe.

Dear 17-29 year old Miriam,

Yikes! This is bringing up a lot of emotion, writing to you.

You’re special beyond words. I know you don’t see that, which makes my eyes tear up with sadness. You’re truly beautiful. I know you don’t see that either, because even at 29, you’re still having trouble.

You don’t have to search outside of yourself for love and acceptance, but you choose to. I’ll hold space for you to look within. You don’t start to understand “looking within” until you’re almost 30, sorry to break it to you! You’re going to live over a decade more without understanding what “looking within” even means, let alone practice it. And that’s ok. This letter is about forgiveness and holding space for you to grow.

I can feel a lump in my throat starting to form just writing to you.

Miriam, you don’t have to lose your virginity at 17. I know you thought it would be cool to be able to talk about it with your other friends. You don’t have to have sex with him… or him… or him… or him…but I understand why you do. I understand how empty you feel inside. You’re so hurt and lonely. You’re grasping and desperate for someone to love you, because you don’t love yourself.

You so badly just want to be loved. You want to be unconditionally loved and held. You don’t even know what that means, but that’s what you desire. You don’t feel as though you add value to your friendships, you feel boring, uninteresting, fat, and disgusting. You want to fit in, but you don’t know how.

Then you’re off to college… you’re still searching… and you’re still continuing your same pattern of sleeping with guys to find love. Mixed with getting black-out-drunk every weekend.

In college, you cultivate a great group of best friends… who are all guys. You live with them throughout college and beyond. You subconsciously protected yourself from other guys by living with these best friends of yours. You think, if you live with them, no other guys will want to date you. It reaffirms your belief of being boring, uninteresting, fat, and disgusting. Not worthy.

You even end up sleeping with some of these best friends. Still searching for that love. When feelings of love start to form between the two of you…you run away. You so deeply desire that love and yet you are so terrified of it.

I can feel my heart cracking open for you/us as I write this.

You will go through your teenage years and 20’s feeling as though you don’t deserve love. Feeling inadequate. Feeling as though you don’t bring anything to the table, you have nothing to offer. That's not true, but I know why you feel this way.

You’ve never been one for small talk, celebrity gossip, weather, gas prices, etc… You’ve always craved something more, but you didn’t have the words for it. You think that “something more” is sex and drinking. You really just want connection, meaningful conversation, intimacy, and unconditional love.

Post college, when you’re in your mid 20s you’ll be criticized for “always wanting to go deep”. You’ll feel hurt and most of all angry when you hear this.

In your mid and late 20s you’ll try to find connection in the work place and sleep with your co-workers. You’ll even participate in an affair with a married man. You’re self-sabotaging, but more importantly you're looking for that love.

Don’t do anything differently Miriam, this is all ok. Because when you’re 27, you’ll leave your job, those friends, those relationships and you’ll feel completely liberated! You need to go through these dark times to get to the light on the other side.

Welcome age 29!

That criticism that haunted you in your mid 20’s will now be your superpower! “Yes! I do always want to go to deep!”

Twenty-nine will be your year to start stepping into your light. Your truth. Your soul’s purpose.

All these amazing women will appear before you. You’ll have the opportunity to really change your life with these women. The unconditional love will pour out of you for them and them for you.

You'll be hosting events once a month where women come together to share their inner most thoughts and feelings. You hold them up with love. You'll catch them. They will catch you!

They aren’t the women you’re used to being around. They don’t talk poorly of anyone! They hold space for you. They love your edginess and your need to “always go deep”. They accept you as you are. They are your sisters. And this sisterhood teaches you how to unconditionally love.

Of course you’re not done learning your lesson around relationships with men.

Almost all of the men from your past will enter back into your life at age 29. They are looking for… let’s be honest here… sex… and I’m sure they’re also looking for connection and love too. They know they can come back because you’ve always let them. You’ve always let them because you’re still looking for love yourself. You’re looking for it in them.

I'm here too tell you. It’s not there Miriam. It starts with you!

In your 30’s you’ll be committed to YOU. You know that if you don’t shift your thoughts, shift your patterns, shift your energy, then they will continue to come back with a different name and a different face.

Your 30’s will be your time to love yourself unconditionally. It’s time to release the patterns that are no longer serving you.

Now, how grateful you are to be living and walking on a conscious path. You have the power to shift this for yourself and to break your lineage of these beliefs.

Welcome 12.20.14 with open arms and unconditional self love :-)

#unconditionalselflove #selflove #goddesscards #isolta

#dowhatmakesyouhappy #wentworthgreenhouse #fairygarden #succulents (at Wentworth Greenhouses, Inc.)

#succulents #wentworthgreenhouse #dowhatmakesyouhappy #fairygarden

Mercury Retrograde

We’re all living in it right now. Of course the more evolved you are, the higher your vibration is, and it doesn’t affect you like it does the rest of us. I know one person that is truly THAT evolved! (You know who you are and I love you to pieces!)

These last few weeks have been a doozie! Aside from all the things you can read about online, poor communication, don’t make commitments, don’t get married or divorced, don’t buy a house, don’t sign a contract, don’t don’t don’t… Quite frankly it’s too much to keep track of. Oh, don’t travel!... the list goes on. Basically, don’t do anything!

Every time Mercury goes Retrograde, which is usually 3 times a year, an ex boyfriend of mine ALWAYS pops up! He wants to talk about old times (MR is a time of reflection), he misses me, he loved me (uh huh sure you did!), he’s not in a good place in his life… all the woes. The pattern has been that “said ex” just got out of his previous relationship , he’s unhappy, he wants something different, something more. I know, let’s call Miriam! Brilliant idea! And yes, I usually answer.

So since it is a time of reflection, what the heck is going on here? What am I supposed to learn?

I usually answer because… I’m curious. And I answer because I think I can help them. Helping them has been a reoccurring theme in my life, at least thinking that I can. My numerology reading is full of 9’s (helping people), as of yesterday I learned that. Self discovery, that’s what this life is all about, isn’t it?

Anyway, so I answer, I listen to all their troubles, I hold space for them, they vent. I say they because it’s more than one and it’s the exact same situation. Very telling.

They rarely ask me any questions about what I’m up to, so I just end up telling them anyway, in true Sag fashion. They respond with “Wow you sound happy!” I am happy! “Sounds like you have it all figured out Miriam” I definitely don’t have it all figured out, but I’m open to always learning more. “I don’t know if we could be together again, you’re looking for a lot in a relationship” Yes, he really say that! I said, you’re right I am, and you’re right we couldn’t be together again, there’s a reason why it ended.

Yes the conversations are that honest.

What am I supposed to be learning?

I’ve done some journaling and automatic writing asking this very same question.

The response is this: You deserve to be with a man that matches your light, he doesn’t dim it. You illuminate a room together. He’s not afraid of your light, your strength, your power. He welcomes it. He welcomes all of you.

I’ll chalk this round of Mercury Retrograde up as a success! J The clarity of what I want in a relationship is becoming crystal clear. The belief that I deserve it is also starting to show.

*Ends Oct 25th We’re almost there!

#mercury retrograde #retro #self discovery #reflect #reconnect #renew

Reminds me of my favorite children's book...The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear...although it's a raspberry! 😊 (at Applecrest Farm Orchards)

#raspberrypicking #saturdaygratitude #solo #barefootstroll (at Applecrest Farm Orchards)

#saturdaygratitude #barefootstroll #raspberrypicking #solo

Absolutely stunning! @karlykay22 Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your very special day!#radiant #beautifulbride

#radiant #beautifulbride

So, What's New?

“So, what’s new? “ She asked

It all started with a simple question from a very good, long time friend.

We’ve known each other for years and always pop in and out of each others lives. Always picking up right where we left off. You know the type. :-)

“So, what’s new?” she asked

“Well…” I told her about all of the newness in my life! There’s a lot!

Then I had a bit of a flash back. Back to when we first met 9 years ago. We worked together on our college campus and we were both so different than we are now. Being out of college and 9 years will do that to you!

So, as I was having my mini flashback, I asked her, “do you think I’m weird?”. She laughed and said, “No Miriam I don’t think you’re weird.” Phew! :-)

That moment of uncertainty crept in, like it often does, because I felt like from the outside looking in, it looks as though I’m going against the grain, against the daily grind, and against the norm.

But I feel like I’m going WITH the grain. I feel more in flow and closer to my soul’s purpose everyday.

As different as I thought felt in that moment, I didn’t really feel different at all.

I said, “I’ve always been me, but now I am more my core than I have ever been”

The image of my core is this coral colored sphere that runs through my body. It used to be really narrow and now it’s expanded out to encompass my entire being. I can feel it touching the outsides of my shoulders as I write this. It’s beautiful!

It’s growth, it’s love, it’s expansion!

So, what’s new... with you?