introjection isn't just for systems it is actually a normal part of development for everyone. introjection doesn't mean you gained a guy in your head. most people introject normal human things like their parents but some people introject culturally abnormal (but not Actually abnormal) things. we keep having communities pop up around the idea of introjecting culturally abnormal things--dragons, animals, fictional species, fictional characters, concepts, songs, etc--and they all subsume into the alterhuman umbrella, the Community of Introjecting Weird Things and i think that's beautiful
It's fun because it's not even that the thing we are doing is that odd, its just that the *target* is-
Like, you are supposed to imprint on stuff growing up, you are supposed to take in things around you and model your thoughts and behaviors and learn how to be a Thing That Exists from what is around you.
It's just that- if a guy like tools and football because his dad does, he's not going to go "oh my god, whats happening to me. I must kin my dad"
But if you want to live in a den and eat raw mice because you introjected fox behaviors.... now that's something you might notice as A Little Odd.
In conclusion, that normal guy? Yeah, he's totally His Dad Kin.
one reason internet discourse is so annoying is how often you run into someone who believes things that are provably factually wrong about something really important, but they came to the conclusion because they're in legitimate pain and the false belief seems to explain and validate the pain, so any attempt to dispel it feels to them like dismissal of the pain.
you run into this all the time in all sorts of different domains. people who believe in various sorts of medical woo - morgellons syndrome, wifi hypersensitivity, vaccine overload - because it seems to explain the chronic symptoms their doctor's ignoring. people who believe adoption is inherently evil because they've decided that the fact of being adopted in and of itself is what explains their childhood trauma, even though talking to them for five minutes reveals a bunch of other obvious unrelated reasons. other people who think NPD or BPD or some other personality disorder makes you ontologically evil because that's what explains why their parents treated them badly. various flavors of nationalist weirdo who believe a bunch of complete lies about the historical geopolitical relationship between <insert country here> and <insert neighboring country> because they seem to explain legitimate discrimination and trauma they've experienced as a member of the first country. terfs who got into that school of radical feminism because they are women who have a history of abuse by men and they've decided the explanation is that testosterone is a sort of evil supersoldier serum and that abuse is just the natural inevitable result of people with and without penises existing in the same space.
all of this happened before the internet, of course, but on the internet it's super easy for these people to find each other and form communities where they constantly affirm the false belief to each other, which makes it way worse.
the frustrating thing is that understanding this is what's happening never actually helps. it does not matter how much you say "i believe that your chronic headaches are absolutely real and extremely severe and you're not imagining them and they have a real physical cause, and I believe you that they're absolutely debilitatingly painful and it sounds so scary on top of the pain, and you deserve help. but there is strong evidence that is not true that the headaches are being caused by an invisible alien named glonzo who hates you personally." emotionally they are totally incapable of not hearing the last sentence as meaning "your headaches are fake and you have no reason to be complaining about them."
the best thing you can do about it is probably try to catch when you're doing it yourself, and remember that your pain can be valid whether or not a particular narrative that feels like it validates the pain is true.
You can purport to be an optimist or an idealist but if you are expressing this by being insulting and rude to people who are cynics or experiencing despair, youre not actually an optimist, you are someone trying to feel better than other people. Do you think insulting and attacking people who are in pain creates a hopeful enviornment or a spirit of togetherness, with a confidence we can change society for good? Or does it reinforce cynical ideas and prove that people will attack you for vulnerability and its not safe to reach out to others to help.
Attacking people for losing hope does not give them hope, it murders it. Reach out with kindness, or if you cannot, say nothing at all. It does not foster optimism, hope, or togetherness to be rude and insulting to people for having a mindset that is again, an expression of real pain.
Its not an excuse to be an asshole about it, but even attacking assholes does not help. It only further creates a hostile enviornment. Simply step away from the asshole and create a healing space, which they are welcome to join when they learn to behave, and bar them from when they cannot.
And a lot of people act like someone just being cynical is inherently an asshole when its just not true. They feel that way for a reason, it is an expression of real pain. Even from children and teenagers its not just being immature or dramatic, its that our society treats children and teenagers very badly and limits their autonomy, which is a form of abuse.
A lot of people are cruel. Our current society rewards abuse. Often you have to be more closed off to protect yourself. People will attack any vulnerability, and it is not being irrational to notice this. And it is a normal understandable reaction to be depressed about this, and it makes sense that many people feel they have no choice but to participate in it or else they will be eaten by it. And if they do not wish to participate in cruelty but see no other choice to survive, it makes sense why so many people want to lay down and be consumed by the muck.
But that doesnt mean hope is pointless. In fact, having hope that things can get better, that some people are good and kind, is the only way to not let these negative things consume you completely. It is still worth it to open up and expose weakness, just to find those few people who will bandage your wounds instead of digging their claws in. Humans are natrually a species that helps each other. We are a social species. The way things are is artificial, and human nature strains against it. With patience and nurturing, we can be good and kind as a species again. And even if we may never live to see that day, we can carve out little spaces where people are good and kind to each other. And thats worth doing and living for.
People need to understand that BDSM is fucking play. A daddy dom is not your actual father. A caretaker dom is not meant to take care of you 24/7 with no care given back. People need to stop looking for a dom to entirely replace the roll their parents failed to fill.
Yes, being dommed in this way can help with that void, and help you work through those traumas, but trying to push someone to actually have that responsibility for you because they wanted to play toys with you is exploitative. Doms are not meant to just dispense whatever you need or want, and them having power over you in the RP does not mean you do not have any power over them IRL. Subs can and do exploit and abuse their doms all the time, and its something more people need to be aware of. As a dom I am completely sick of being pushed into this roll where I am expected to take care of someones emotional needs 24/7, I am sick of people just expecting I will do it for them automatically because I am a dom and they are acting pathetic in my direction even though I don't even fucking know them.
I am sick of subs trying to get me into scenes with no negotiation, not respecting my boundaries, and using me to self harm by saying they want to do something and they consent but then Actually it was bad for them but they dont communicate and do healthy aftercare they just blame me and call me a bad person for doing a scene that I had concerns about and they insisted upon.
You can be controlling if you are a sub. You can be an abuser to your dom as a sub. You need to be examining your own behaviors and making sure you are actually treating your doms with respect and not just banking on being a sub for your scenes preventing you from causing harm. It does not.
I MET THE WORLDS SHARP EDGES BREAD-SOFT, EXPECTING TO BE TORN FOR THE GREATER GOOD, BUT INSTEAD THE MEANNESS AND HARDNESS BECAME GENTLE UPON MEETING MY SURFACE. I STILL HURT, BUT I DID NOT DIE OR KILL OR DIE OR KILL OR DIE.
honest to god what does "supporting vivziepop" "not supporting vivziepop" even mean. i guess i abstractly support her right to make art, but i'm not giving her any money. i pirate the shows and block ads on youtube. not because i particularly care about not giving her money but because i'm too poor to not pirate things and i dont like watching ads.
i dont think she's somehow the worst writer in the world making the cringiest shows ever to exist and should shut up eww how could you ever like anything she made. i also dont think the shows are like amazing and there's a lot of stuff in there i really hate and find quite repugnant and also just bad writing and abuse apologism but like honestly in an interesting way?? like it's interesting how it happens. I enjoy deconstructing the show, usually. i enjoy the characters. i think there are a lot of incredible moments. i love the animation. sometimes the writing is great (usually self-contained to one scene). i think the character design is really fun.
i think that overall the shows are bad. i think most shows are bad and have abuse apologism, though. it's not like hzh/hb are particularly bad in that regard, they're just bad shows that i have interest in, which is why i bother engaging with them at all rather than saying "meh" like i do for every other bad show. i like that they have the edgy 14 year old deviantart/tumblr style that a lot of people hate on the shows for. none of my criticisms of hzh/hb are so shallow as to be just complaining about swearing or art style or ummh this isnt perfect representation or eww sex drugs edginess that i see a lot of people rag on it for.
i dont know why these shows became so polarizing. it's probably because something something queer audience and queers cant help but rip their own community to shreds and non-queers love to get in on that and modern algos prioritize hatred over nuance and level headed media criticism. i think the people harassing vivziepop should shut the fuck up and stop it. i think a lot of people take their ire at these shows and direct it at vivziepop as a person instead, because the modern landscape makes it so that as a creator you pretty much have to connect your face and your personality to your work and people feel entitled to make you a public figure and harass you for it.
most of the personal controversies vivziepop has had seem overblown and/or she's apologized for them but people keep dragging their corpses around because it's something they can point at. like, this isn't jk rowling we're talking about. She's just a person who makes queer indie animation, who got picked up by a big company. which is pretty awesome! she seems bad to work with, which is not so great. but if i wanted to be oh so pure and morally abstain from consuming anything that was made by or with anyone who was bad to work with, i dont think i'd be watching anything at all. and i think this whole thing is way to caught up in judging whether someone's media consumption is ethical, which is just, stupid. this whole thing is stupid. why do people care about this.
i dont know if this means i support vivziepop or don't support vivziepop. i still dont know what either of those means. i think after engaging with the media and looking into a lot of things, i'm become a strong neutral on the subject. i just have thoughts. and a lot of fictives. and vivziepop is just a person i don't know. And none of you know her either.
People with BPD often form rapid and intense attachments to new people, and this can be especially intense when both people have BPD. These rapid attachments can be dangerous and painful, since you start to get very close to a person before seeing them in many situations and really knowing them. Most of the advice I have received as a person with BPD is to just avoid these kind of attachments. However, in my experience, that will just lead to me self-isolating, because I literally do not know how to make friends with a new person otherwise. I am sort of an all or nothing person, I can let myself talk about everything and be very familiar with someone or I can be entirely closed off and struggle to connect at all. Additionally, attachment to a new person in this intense fashion causes feelings of euphoria, which I think people with BPD should be allowed to enjoy.
Our goal should not be to have relationships that look like everyone elseâs, even if that were possible, which I really do not think that it is. Forcing yourself not to have these attachments can be harmful. However, like I said, these kind of attachments can be dangerous, especially to people who are emotionally volatile like people with BPD are. So instead we need to focus on how to have these kind of attachments safely. The following is advice on how to do this, based on my own experience as a person with BPD who as experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly as a result of rapid intense attachment.
Possible results of attachment
There are three possible results of a rapid attachment. Knowing what all three of them are, and most importantly accepting that they may happen, is important in both keeping yourself safe and treating the person you are attached to well. When you are intensely attached and it is going well, it can feel like you can trust that person with your life, and it is going to last forever. It is not. The intense attachment phase will end, and it is important to know that. It is really a sad news, because it honestly is the best feeling in the world. Something being temporary doesnât mean you shouldn't enjoy it, however. So enjoy your feelings, lean into them as much as the person you are with consents to it, but accept the that it is not a permanent state. Accepting this can help prevent a BPD crash when it does start to fade in intensity, and it can help you keep an eye out for signs that it is going to end badly.
So what are these three ways it can end?
1. The relationship cools down, but remains good.
This is the ideal! Yippee, you have yourself a new friend. You may miss the intense feelings you had in the beginning, but they can and will come back sometimes, especially if your relationship is kinky and you do a scenario lol. But you are unlikely to have that constant obsession feeling long term, it will come and go or it may stop and you will have a more regular relationship. It is okay to feel less intensely about the person! It doesnât mean you donât like them anymore, it just means that intensity is difficult to maintain for a long time!
One important thing to remember about this is that the person you are attaching to may reach this phase before you do! You may have been constantly messaging in the beginning, and now they are replying less often and doing other things. This does not mean they do not like you any more! BPD makes us very sensitive to rejection, and someone reaching this phase before you can hurt! But I promise everything is okay, and this is what you want to eventually happen, because it is what allows you to be able to have a sustainable long term relationship. Do some coping mechanism things while your person is busy, play your favorite games, talk to other friends, color or draw, whatever helps you feel better when you are down. Do not try to make the person talk to you more than is comfortable for them! This is crossing their boundaries and will either scare them away or damage them mentally.
2. The relationship fizzles or ends because of an incompatibility.
When forming an intense attachment, you tend to think about the other person 24/7. You form an idea of them in your head that you really like, but since you do not actually know them that well this idea may not actually match the reality of what that person is like. Sometimes after a bit one or both of you will realize you arenât actually as compatible as you thought! This is okay! This is normal to happen when getting to know a new person, and you are still getting to know a new person even if they feel very familiar quickly! If this happens, it is important to learn to let the relationship go. Realize they arenât the person you imagined, and donât try to force them to change to be that person, and donât try to convince yourself you still like them if you donât. It is okay to thank them for the good time and part ways! Often this will just kinda be a fizzling in conversation and both people message less until you just kinda stop. You may need to let the other person know that you do not want the relationship to continue though if they are still interested but you are not. Tell them firmly but politely you are no longer interested. This can be scary but it is important to assert your boundaries! If they try to argue and continue when you are no longer interested, block them. No one is entitled to your time or affection!
3. Abuse and mistreatment.
This is the worst case scenario, and unfortunately it is not uncommon. When you attach to someone quickly, you can often make yourself vulnerable to someone when you donât know them well yet. Personally, I think it is okay to share personal things quickly, since I do not know how to connect to people otherwise and have a bad sense of what is appropriate to talk about when. Instead, it is important to look for signs that the person is using the things you tell them against you. If you tell them something personal and they then use that to trigger you on purpose or control your behavior, run immediately.
In addition to those who are purposefully using your vulnerability to take advantage of you, there are people who will abuse you on accident. In my experience this is actually a lot more common, so it is important to look out for the signs. If someone is not respecting your boundaries, acting entitled to your time and attention when you are not able or not wanting to give it, or trying to change who you are or modify your behavior, run. And by modify your behavior I do not mean boundary setting or them asking you to treat them differently; that is normal relationship negotiation. I mean if someone is trying to get you to change your sleeping or eating habits for them, control who else you talk to, push you to do something you are not comfortable with, or just trying to control what you do when it has nothing to do with them. People can raise concerns if they are worried about you, but they should not be trying to force you to do anything.
Sometimes people think they are doing these things âfor your own goodâ. It is for no ones good to have their autonomy taken away, or to live in fear of upsetting or disappointing another person, or to have to live up to impossible standards. Some people will do this because they cannot let go of the idea they made of you in their head, and are trying to make you into the person they wanted you to be. This is why it is so important not to try to force that onto someone; not only is it not going to work and you will be disappointed, You will be abusing them. DO NOT DO THIS!!! Learn to let go if you need to or accept them for who they actually are. This is so so so deeply important.
It can be difficult to admit when someone you like is abusing or mistreating you. After all, you like them a lot and they made you feel so good. You think maybe you can teach them how to treat you well. You canât. Even if you could, it will hurt you the whole time. It is not your job. If someone starts to disrespect your boundaries, you gotta go. If they mess up a couple times and apologize, that is okay, but if they keep doing it thats no good, even if they apologize, because they are showing you they are not putting in the effort to change the behavior and not hurt you. I know it hurts and its hard and they will probably be mad and that makes it scary. You still gotta do it as soon as possible, the longer you stay the harder it will be. Its okay to block them on everything. Its okay to leave without explanation (though its nice to give one). YOUR SAFETY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEIR FEELINGS!Â
Other things to keep in mind
Honestly just keeping those three ending possibilities in mind and accepting the reality is the number one thing you must do to keep yourself safe in a rapid attachment relationship, but there are a few other things to keep in mind.
1. Boundary setting.
As I mentioned above, your boundaries are important! Setting clear boundaries and expectations for what you want out of the relationship, and leaving if the other person cannot respect that, will keep you safe and happy. Often I have been in an intense attachment relationship where I wanted it to be romantically kinky but not romantic, and the other person interprets romance where I did not intend it. Once this happened the other way around where I thought the relationship was romantic and the other person did not intend that. By being very clear about what you want, what you are open to, and what you are not open to, you can prevent pain and misunderstanding for both of you. It may feel a bit weird to talk about if you are open to dating or not early in a relationship where neither of you may really be planning on it, but it can honestly be useful for both people to know. If you ask about this and the person gets weirded out you can link them this essay to explain, lol.
2. Be careful about doing things that are hard to undo.
Speaking of dating, people who attach quickly will often also start dating quickly. THIS IS A BAD IDEA!!! I will not stop you, you can make your own decisions, but it is a lot more difficult and painful to end a relationship with an official dynamic like dating than it is to just stop talking to someone you are getting to know and donât have an official relationship of any kind with. I know you feel very intensely and you feel like you love them and you will love them forever, but you might not! And if you do turn out to be perfect for each other long term you have plenty of time! It is okay to be fun and flirty, its ok to be horny and lovey, but please both be clear that you are not intending that to be an official relationship (see above point) and WAIT TO DATE.Â
(And donât say that it is okay for them to tell their friends that you are their partner if you do not consider yourself so. I once told someone this because they said they just wanted an easier way to explain it to people, but then they took that and decided we were actually dating because of it, I didnât know how to boundary set and say no, felt trapped and had to break up with a person I never intended to be dating. Do not confuse your terms!!)
I think thatâs all. Please add on to this if I missed something you learned in your experience!!
Oh i should have put under the do not do hard to undo things:
For gods sake do NOT give them your ADRESS!!!! I have done this bc the person wanted to send me gifts before and after i had to leave i was scared for my fucking life. Know someone for a while before doing that and preferably after the obsession phase is over
We still mostly stand by this post (this is my system), and it is definitely what you should do to stay safer in this kind of situation, but I think it is important to add that the rapid BPD/other personality disorder style attachment is a FEAR response.
It is a trauma response, it is a reaction that formed in BPD to protect from an abuser by getting you to fawn for them and try to please them. Feeling that type of way about someone is a flag that they are SCARING you and triggering you.
This doesn't inherently mean they are bad, you can be scared of someone for a lot of reasons, but it is definitely a red flag that should be investigated, and people who are causing these obsessive feelings in you are honestly more likely to be abusive than not.
You are more likely to get stable, healthy relationships from people who do not trigger this response. I know it is hard as someone with BPD, like we said when Alastor wrote the post, it is hard for us to make friends without the obsessive attachment. But it is something you can learn to do, and is honestly more likely to be effective than trying to make an obsessive attachment healthy.
I do still think it is possible to find an obsessive attachment that is safe, (though if you feel that way about someone who turns out to be safe the obsession will usually die when you actually feel safe), and that if you are going to engage with obsessive attachment for any reason the above information will keep you safer than otherwise, but more and more over time we feel like that style of relationship is actually best avoided when at all possible, not because its bad in of itself, but because you should be wary of someone that is causing you to react in that way, because it is a trauma response.
And its important to learn to put in the work and effort to pay attention to people that arent making you feel obsessive, to learn to reach out even when you arent feeling crazy about someone, and to recognize people who are just chill that you like and can talk normally with and get to know at a normal speed, even if thats hard and scary because it takes longer and you dont have as much reassurance that they like you because they arent obsessive over you. It is a skill, it does take practice, but it can be done.
People dont understand what acceptance is they think jusr saying "ok yes this happened i know it happened/is true" counts as acceptance when thats not what acceptance is. You have to actually incorporate it into your world view, you have to behave as if its true, your decisions and thought processes shoukd reflect it as true, you need to accept the way things shape and change you and acknowledge their affects on yourself, others, and the world, and not just keep things in a "this happened but whatever im moving on now" bottle
I wanted to clarify what I mean when I say minors dni, because I've seen a lot of groomers try to muddy the waters.
What minors dni entails:
â ïž If a minor or ageless blog follows me, I will block them
â ïž If a minor or ageless blog dms me, I will block them
â ïž If a minor or ageless blog likes, reblogs, or comments on a nsfw or kink post of mine, I will block them
â ïž If a minor or ageless blog likes, reblogs, or comments on a non-nsfw, non-kink post, I will be personally uncomfortable but do nothing about it
What minors dni DOES NOT entail:
đ« I will harass or call out minors and ageless blogs for any of the above
đ« Minors must be hypervigilant about never looking at or touching my blog
đ« I hate children and children's rights
đ« I never speak to children ever
You will notice that minors dni is NOT a demand for you to read my pinned post before ever interacting with me or liking a post. It IS a request to please not do the above things, because I don't want to have to bother blocking you. But you will not get hurt, harassed, or called out if you interact as a minor. All I will do is block you. And that is okay. You will be okay. You do not need access to me or my blog to live your life. I'm just a random adult in the kink scene. You don't need to talk to me.
But Vee, I hear you say. What's the point of minors dni? Aren't there loopholes? You can't stop minors from looking at your posts. You can't stop them from using your blog as pornography. To which I say, no I cannot! I am aware of this! This is my design. Minors dni may be a request for others, but it is also a statement of intentionality from me. It is saying that I am not going to flirt with minors, I am not going to fuck minors, I am not going to be horny with minors, and if a minor tries to do any of those things with me I am going to reject them. And it is very importantly signaling to OTHER KINKY ADULTS that I am NOT out here grooming children and I am keeping my kink blog a safe place for them to interact, too. Because it fucking sucks when some groomer reblogs your kink post and now a million groomed children are trying to get in your pants.
Minors can lurk on my blog. I cannot stop this and I do not mind this. Minors can view my posts in tag searches. I cannot stop this and I do not mind this. Minors can be horny about my posts. I cannot stop this and I do not mind this. The problem specifically arises with interaction between adults and children in spaces where adults are being horny.
If someone is claiming that keeping minors from interacting with adults in spaces where adults are being horny is somehow depriving children of safe adults and sex ed, that is a groomer. Some random adult on the internet, no matter how well you might know them, is NOT a safe adult, and their porn blog is NOT sex ed. A safe adult must be someone irl who you know the identity of and who can be held accountable for their actions. And if you're getting your sex ed online, it will be from a reputable website that is specifically writing sex ed. If an adult online is trying to position themselves as a safe adult for you, especially around sexual topics, DO NOT TRUST THEM.
We were trying to explain to some friends earlier that saying "this person is in front" and "this person is co-conscious" isn't always the most useful phrasing for us because either of those terms can mean a lot of different things. We have our own words that we like to use to describe where folks can be in relation to our awareness.
The states on this chart are still a bit of a simplification, as we flow between them and it's more of a spectrum than a discrete set, but they're close enough to the actual language that we use to do the job.
What I said: I'm into pretty hardcore kink, this might be triggering
What you heard: I'm about to pitch you a gore or snuff or otherwise diabolical rape type scenario
What I meant: I'm about to pitch an extremely realistic abuse scenario that I could reasonably do to you in real life, utilizing what I know about your specific trauma and vulnerabilities and past abusers
a lot of transid and radqueer stuff seems to be like. Mostly fine things but purposefully confusing it with harmful things. Like in their community there's apparently a bunch of 'paraphiles' that are literally just kinks. Like calling being a masochist being a paraphile. It seems like purposefully pulling in more people under the umbrella to make them think they need to accept certain things by claiming your thing is the same kind of thing as being a pedophile so now you're a hypocrite if you're a masochist and don't like pedophiles. But then if you say you're against radqueers they can go ha, these people are against clearly harmless things like being a masochist, how silly. insidious
Especially by having more things being called paraphiles that aren't they can be like I'm pro contact in some places, and with real paraphiles you should never be pro contact but now they can muddy that by being like oh you're anti contact so you don't think people are allowed to do masochism?
And then for stuff like. 'transharmful'. What's wrong with being kinky. The trans of it seems to imply that being harmful and being trans harmful is the same, following the logic that like. a trans woman is a woman. It's like thought crime, the stuff of like. Antis where they are like fantasizing about rape is the same as being a rapist. but now Positive and they are like Yay you Should want to be a rapist. It's a way to muddy people who are kinky with people who are actually harmful, and kind of imply that people who are kinky should *transition* into becoming actually harmful. They seem to discourage any safety things like safe words and negotiating consent because you're not into cnc, you're a transrapist and if you want to get that identity euphoria you're gonna have to do it real, bucko.
And I honestly wish more like anti transid anti radqueer people talked about that, since like sure a lot of them are being disrespectful and don't understand how racism works but Im more deeply concerned with how extremely good at being a grooming tool it is. A lot of transid radqueer people are the victims of grooming and a lot of them are perpetuating grooming intentionally or not, and I feel like a lot of people don't see that when we just avoid looking at it because of the more obvious stuff. Which is also probably a grooming tactic to isolate the victims
and they take normal stuff like basically exotrauma or age regression which is fine and normal and tie it up in a bunch of scary stuff and phrase it in a way thats more unappealing to outsiders to get people rejected for being transage or something and get them called a pedophile for what is probably normal ass age regression and make themselves look better when they are called a pedophile for actually being one.
and another thing on exotrauma, they take basically this experience that is well known in like otherkin communities of feeling like you have trauma from another life or for psychological reasons and then say that's the same as having had it in this life, which is disrespectful even though the experience itself is not, OR even worse they are like. Therefore you should try to get yourself traumatized in this way. You have this identity you should transition. Let's link up transharmful and transharmed people together so they can help each other transition. Like this is shit I actually saw happening
its okay to feel like you had xyz traumatic event happen when it didn't. its okay to feel like you're an age you're not. Its okay to fantasize about hurting people. These things all have existing communities that do not imply that its the same as literally being those things and don't encourage harmful behaviour. Please if you are trans ID look into exotrauma, age regression and littles, and cnc and kink. These things already exist and are fine and there are ways of thinking about it and talking about it that don't disrespect people who have these experiences in real life and also are much safer for you and harder for a predator to take advantage of
Just saw an example of this, fucking pride flag for a "trans/cis/whatever rapist" just casually slipping in the cis rapist in there. Do you know what that is. Do you know what that fucking means.
Not to mention shit like "trans gets anons" meaning you dont have anons and want them. Like say you dont think trans people are actually their gender without saying you dont think trans people are actually their gender challenge
And like "trans yandere" you can just be a yandere??? There is no assigned yandere at birth that you are or aren't. So again it feels like the word trans here is being used to mean "wants to be but isnt" which is UHHHH.
Not to mention, again, that ALL OF THAT. LITERALLY ALL OF IT. Contributes to the smoke screen for predators because if trans BOTH means IS the thing and WANTS TO LITERALLY BE BUT ISNT and IDENTIFYS AS IT IN A KIN WAY BUT WOULDNT DO IT REAL if someone is a TRANS RAPIST OR PEDO which are things well accepted in tbis community you have NO IDEA what is actually being said there.
And as I just saw, they are also normalizing and making pride flags for CIS RAPISTS who are LITERALLY JUST SAYING THEY ARE RAPISTS WITH THEIR WHOLE CHEST and its getting reblogged by people who would typically be against thar because their cutesy best friend trans rapist is here too!
even if you donât tell someone itâs their fault, if you are told no and then tell someone âI had a panic attack when you told me noâ that is⊠not okay. like whatâs the utility there. people are allowed to have negative feelings, but if you have a breakdown whenever youâre told no and you TELL PEOPLE you have breakdowns when youâre told no then how is anyone supposed to tell you no without knowing theyâre seriously harming you. whether you explicitly say âitâs your faultâ or not. sometimes it is in fact your job to keep those feelings to yourself.
Wrong. You can do it in a way that blames the person even without doing it explicitly, but its not inherent to the action. If its someone you havent talked about this kind of thing to before, you should couch it with things like "its not your fault, youre allowed to say no, im not trying to get you to change anything im just talking about the emotions/seeking reassurance".
And the person who isnt sure if theyre hurting you? Guess what they should do? ALSO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS! To get reassurance about that!
In a healthy relationship, the answer is ALWAYS talk about feelings MORE. Is it safe to do that in every relationship? No! But if someone hurts you or blames you for just talking about your feelings thats their fault not yours.
You assuming someone is beinf controling when they are just talking aboit their feelings is YOUR issue and putting that on other people to manage is just as bad as putting feelings of being upset on other people to manage. And by putting on them to manage i mean expecting them to walk on eggshells and preempt your emotions and make themselves small to not upset you, not talking about the feeling.
What is the utility there? People know how you feel, can comfort and help you, you talk through the emotion, the conversation is an opportunity to comfort the other person and reassure them its okay for them to say no, and its ok for them to be upset if told no too, and its okay to be upset when you get upset. You will be able to emotionally regulate better, demonstrait you can talk about emotional issues maturely, that you are a safe person for other people to come to with their own feelings, and grow closer together if this is done correctly.
Talking about feelings is NOT about trying to get someone to DO something, it is about talking about feelings itself.
--
Edit with links wirh further reading:
Being triggered is okay
Truths for understanding relationships
How I statements let you talk about scary feelings
there is no top/dom shortage we are just hiding from people who say things like âtop shortageâ because we donât want to be treated as a commodity or vehicle for ur pleasure
we r hiding from ppl who say things like âdom shortageâ bc they think that doms should be readily accessible 24/7 kink machines that are only ever in the mood to dom
Being triggerrd sometimes is normal. Its ok to be triggered. Its okay for others to trigger you, its okay to trigger others. Its not a sin, its not a moral wrong, its not something you deserve to be punished for. Yes its very upsetting. But it will happen sometimes and you need to learn to cope with it in yourself, and you shouldnt accept others policing your behaviour to avoid their triggers.
You shouldnt be malicious and trigger people on purpose, but its completely unreasonable to expect everyone to walk on eggshells all the time and you can really smell the cultural christianity on the way some spaces treat it like a sin to trigger someone by accident or like youre horrible for not memorizing 30 different peoples triggers like theyre the ten commandments.
Being triggered sometimes is normal. In fact, its good for your healing to be mildly triggered and then step back and receive support, because it teaches your body and mind that you can now exit that kind of situation and get help, which will make it feel safer and less triggering over time. You shouldnt keep enganging with something once it triggers you (since stepping back is an important part of feeling safe), and you probably shouldnt trigger yourself on purpose, but you shouldnt feel like being triggered is inherently a bad thing or the end of the world. In fact, being so afraid of being triggered and avoidant of it makes the trigger scarier, which makes it more severe.
If you have trauma, you will be triggered. It will be okay. You will be okay.
If you wanna find good friends you gotta stop being so publically apologetic about all of your traits. You dont *want* to be friends with someone who thinks those things about you are weird or gross or annoying but might accept an apology, you want people who like it or relate to it and if you put in your profile (social media and daring profiles is where i see this a lot) "sorry i have adhd ill try not to annoy u with it hahaha" then that just sort of. Positions you as someone who will fawn for someone who doesnt really like you and may try to take advantage of you by making you do what they want to come off as less annoying, and it puts off other people like you who will see that and go "damn u think having adhd makes you annoying? Will u think im annoying?"
Dont apologize for your traits! Be proudly autistic, a system, AuDHD, alterhuman, furry, or whatever else about you youre afraid a lot of people will think is weird but the people who will like you will think is really cool and be a reason they *want* to talk to you.
