Today I feel trapped in my own labyrinth. It’s not a good day, once again. I punish myself with thoughts that, instead of giving me answers, only open new wounds. I hurt myself searching within, as if what I already carry inside weren’t enough. It’s absurd to be my own worst enemy, yet here I am.
I feel like I’m drowning, consumed by this avalanche of emotions that doesn’t let go for a single second. In the midst of this chaos, your name appears. The longing to reach you, to stretch my hands toward you, is so strong it becomes unbearable. Yet I stop myself, because I know it’s not what you want and perhaps it’s not what’s right either.
I constantly ask myself whether it’s better to speak or to remain silent. Is the relief of a few words worth more or the protection that comes from staying quiet? Inside me dwell two forces. One that screams to seek you and another that binds my hands, reminding me that life isn’t always about what I desire.
The truth is I miss you more than words can reach. I miss you in every space, in every emptiness, in every idea of the future. My soul breaks thinking I can’t reclaim the love of my life. Because that’s what you are to me, the love of my life. Even the desire to become a mother feels distant if it’s not with you. I don’t want children who won’t carry your laughter, your touch, your love within them. I don’t want a life if I cannot share it with you.
I tell myself I’m not waiting for you, repeating it like a mantra to deceive myself but the truth is I am. I just try to cloak that waiting in gentle shades, like someone wrapping themselves in a fragile blanket to avoid losing their mind to pain. And even so, in the middle of it all, I always return to the same point. I miss you, more than I can say and I don’t know how to move forward with the void you left in me.
One of the worst things I have ever experienced is losing the love of my life. Sometimes you lose them with your own hands, for not knowing how to hold on, for letting fears and insecurities make noise until they snuff out what was light. And that hurts in a silent but constant way.
It doesn’t hurt because you don’t exist, it hurts because you still live, breathe and walk this world, but no longer with me. And that is a wound that never heals, because each memory reminds me I could have done more, that I could have faced my ghosts instead of letting them grow.
The pain consumes me in waves, like a relentless sea battering the shore. Some days it drowns me, others it barely grazes me but it’s always there. And yet, I keep moving. I walk, I smile when I can, I fulfill what life demands, because that’s how we’re supposed to live after a loss. We must go on.
And also because deep inside I know I cannot remain stuck in this place, even if my heart insists on staying. I don’t want my life to stop, though sometimes I find myself wishing time would freeze in the moments when it was us.
The truth is I miss you desperately. I miss what we were, what we dreamed, what will never be. At the same time, I tell myself I must move forward, not to stop loving you, but because I owe it to myself. Moving on is the only act of self-love I have left.
The hardest part of losing the love of your life is not only that they are no longer by your side, but feeling that you still wait for them. And I do, though I disguise it, though I say I don’t. I don’t wait for the version of you I once knew and loved, because I know time changes us. I wait for you, the woman you have become, and I dream of learning to love you from scratch, discovering you again as if life had granted me the chance to see you for the first time once more.
One of the best things that ever happened to me was meeting you. Sharing a part of my life with you transformed me. Receiving your love, your gestures, your laughter, your essence. A,ll of it left marks I will never erase and though these memories bring happiness, I miss you with a consuming intensity. I miss you in the everyday, in the plans that never came to be, in the silences that are now empty.
It was never a game for me. When I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I meant it from the deepest part of myself. I wanted to marry you, to have children, to build a home where your presence was the foundation of everything. Those dreams were not empty promises; they were the truth of what I wanted. And I still want them. I still think I cannot have children if they are not with you, because I cannot imagine a life where your love does not flow through it.
It hurts that I lost you because of my fears, my insecurities. It hurts that I was the one who let everything crumble. Yet even with this pain, I keep waiting, not from desperation but from a quiet faith that sustains me. The faith that if our paths ever cross again, I will have the chance to meet the woman you have become and love her anew, embracing both what is new and what is old in us.
Meanwhile, I keep moving, though sometimes I do not want to leave this place, because here I feel I am still close to you, even if only in memory. Sometimes that is truly sad, and I find myself thinking about it in these moments.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever love like this again, not because I doubt myself but because no one else can occupy the space you left. It is a void that cannot be filled with words, companionship, or distractions. Only you hold the key to that place in my heart, and it both terrifies and pains me.
Fear paralyzed me when I should have risked everything. My insecurities, my doubts, my need to control everything made me lose what I most desired. Now the memory of that loss feels like a constant weight, as if my chest has to bear something I can never fully release.
I dream of a future where life allows us to meet again. I want to know you again, learn your gestures, admire you anew, and allow myself to be better for you this time. That hope is what keeps me standing, even as every day reminds me of what I no longer have.
The longing to be a mother intertwines with your absence. Imagining children without you feels incomplete, empty. I don’t want that life, I don’t want that reality. My heart can only conceive a home where you are present, where your love is the root of everything I build. It is a longing that hurts, yet keeps me connected to what truly matters.
Even with all this, I keep moving, though each step is a mix of resistance and hope. I walk carrying the weight of lost love and the certainty that I cannot remain anchored in this pain. I do it because life demands movement, and also because deep inside I want to keep waiting, I want to keep believing that our story still has chapters to write.
Calabaza, there is something I need to tell you, even if you never read these words. I feel I must write them because they are part of all that I am and all that I feel for you.
I keep waiting for you. I don’t wait for you to be the version I knew, because I know life transforms and shapes us. I wait for you, the woman you are today, who you have become through time and experience. I want to learn to love you again, to rediscover you, to admire and receive all that you are with open arms.
It will always be you, no matter how much things change, no matter how many storms cross our path. My heart recognizes your essence, and no distance or fear can erase it. What we shared was real, profound, and eternal, and though life has separated us at times, nothing can change that you are the greatest love I have ever known.
I think of all the dreams we once shared: marriage, building a home, having children. That hope remains alive in me, not as a vain illusion, but as a true, deep desire I cannot ignore. I want to build all that with you, even though I know life will ask for patience, trust, and new beginnings.
I know it wasn’t easy, I know there were fears and mistakes. But even with all that, my love for you remains intact. And though life may teach us different paths for a while, my heart does not surrender. I keep waiting for you, not from desperation, but from the certainty that you will always have an irreplaceable place in me.
It will always be you. I will always wait for you, because in this world, there is nothing and no one that can take your place, with all my love and every part of me.
