conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 42 (masterpost here)
Dick: i hate stakeouts so much. it's just waiting for people we already know are problematic, to do more problematic shit. it's like watching Kanye's twitter account.
Jason, mouth full: *crunching* i would rather do that.
Dick: right? also we did not need all four of us for this. it's nice bonding, but why.
Damian: it was this or an overnight fieldtrip with the imbecilic morons in my class.
Jason: *absent hum* and the Replacement just didn't want to be alone with B on patrol.
Dick: that's actually valid,
Tim: do you- can you pass me that water Jay-? thanks. do you know if like- have any of us ever been cancelled? which of us do you think is more likely to get cancelled on twitter?
Damian: you say that like there isn't an actual active murderer among us.
Jason: wait do you mean as vigilantes? cause' if we're talking vigilante identities then it's Steph. like are you kidding? last week she tried to eat a taco upside down and the whole thing dropped onto a disabled guy in a wheelchair, except she didn't realise he was disabled, she just thought he was sat in a camping chair, so when she noticed she'd dropped food on the guy she just went 'womp womp'.
Dick, laughing: wait- fuck off, seriously?
Jason: yeah dude, i cried laughing.
Damian: that woman needs media training.
Jason: that woman needs a couple margaritas and an open mic night, Day. it would be awesome.
Tim: hold on- why'd you say Dick when you thought I was talking about civilian-wise? Dick's Bruce's first ward, he's like the sweetheart of Gotham; he isn't gonna get cancelled.
Jason: are you kidding me? he's already been cancelled like three times.
Damian, mystified: what could you have possibly done...?
Jason: *laughs harder* *light smacking sound* Dick, tell them- tell them about the racism one,
Dick, now also laughing: shut the fuck up,
Tim: what- Dick... what'd you do?
Dick: i haven't told this story before? how i got cancelled for racism because of Batman?
Damian: w- like as Richard Grayson? because of Batman, not Bruce Wayne?
Jason: *devolves into cackles*
Tim: oh here they fucking go again,
Dick and Jason: *start laughing louder*
Tim, indignant: you two- you can't be in a room together for more than three minutes before your fucking- Discowing and Jaybin energy starts up again and you start giggling together like a couple of morons.
Dick, high pitched: no i can- i can do it i promise, just- *cough* *clears throat* ok so, when i was like, nineteen i used to have this joke that i used to use to make fun of Bruce a lot, right? where i'd tell him that him being Batman was just him being so into fucking bats that he half-morphed into his fursona and now he's half-bat-half-human,
Dick: yeah so that was my... that was my... reoccurring bit..., and so my thing with that was... i would call him a mutt. like- you know, half human half bat?
Tim, immensely disappointed: *muffled* oh my days,
Dick: yeah, and there was this gala, i guess, where the press caught me on video calling Bruce a mutt; not knowing, of course, that i was referring to Batman and not Bruce. and so- *abrupt laugh* *high pitch* and so-
Jason: *cackles* turning on the morning news the next day was so fun for me, dude. so fun.
Damian: and the media got mad at you?
Dick: yeah, so they said that me calling B a mutt was me using racial slurs and discriminating against him, because i guess 'mutt' is also like, an insensitive way to refer to a person with mixed ethnicity- which, by the way,
Tim, confused: but isn't Bruce...?
Dick, theatrically indignant: -yeah, Bruce is full on white; like, that motherfucker is bimbo sandwich white--no mixes there whatsoever. fucking- next to my seeded wholemeal ass, he looks like fucking Fin Wolfhard in the first episode of stranger things-,
Jason: *wheezes, long and loud*
Dick: -so the fact that i got cancelled for that was insane,
Tim, snickering: what happened, how long did it last?
Dick: i shit you fucking not, the Wayne Enterprises publicist made me post an apology video.
Damian, incredulous: fuck off,
Dick: NO SERIOUSLY- it took like thirty takes because i kept laughing mid take. it didn't help that Bruce literally logged onto his personal twitter after i put it up and fucking replied publicly 'i don't forgive you and you're going back to the circus'.
Jason: *weeping uncontrollably* shit my chair,
Dick, also wheezing: you fell you moron-,
Damian: yeah that doesn't sound like father. he doesn't have the sense of humour.
Tim: Bruce would not fucking do that.
Jason: are you- are you KIDDING?!
Dick: *cackling* yeah- yeah Tim- Tim i hate to break it to you- i hate to- *wheeze*
Jason: *breathless gasps* *smacking sounds*
Damian: why is it that every time you two try to tell us stories it ends with you just having duel asthma attacks while you hit each other in the chest over and over again.
Tim: fucking telling you. Discowing and Jaybin energy.
Dick: *laughter tapering off* *clears throat* sorry, sorry it's just- you guys realise that it was Jason's death that soured Bruce into the type of parent he is now? before Jason beefed it-
Jason, casual: thank you,
Dick: -before he beefed it, Bruce wasn't exactly in a 'dad' mindset. he used to be such an antagonistic little prick. nowadays he's a dad, right? like, he's stupid and emotionally incompetent and kinda strict, but he gives off fatherly energy to all you guys, right? like you two and Duke and Cass and Steph?
Tim: i mean it took him a minute but yeah-
Damian: -could you fucking imagine if he didn't.
Dick: i- *snort* right, yeah, but that only happened because Jason dying effected him so much. when he took me in he was in his twenties and he was really more like... a dickhead older brother that just happened to get custody, rather than a dad.
Jason: yeah and he didn't really learn much with 'raising' Dick. so i felt more like... i have no fucking idea what our dynamic was, honestly. it was like-
Dick: it was like he was the Nani to my Lilo, and then you were Stitch.
Dick: yeah- you know what i mean?!?
Jason: *high pitched giggling* i- yeah, yeah kinda, fuck,
Dick: -like you weren't the son he took in; you were the weird thing he kinda had no choice but to house, and then after you wrecked the batmobile a few times he just got fond of you like a dog.
Jason: *cackles* like, weird absent uncle at best. you know the old guy that was supposed to be housing the kids in the lion the witch and the wardrobe?
Damian: ...well it's good to know you were fucked up before the league, akhi.
Tim: -yeah seriously what is the family tree in your twos' heads? what fucking- what psychological disfigurements do you have?
Dick: do you know the amount of stakeouts we'd have to have to go through them all?
Damian: it's honestly a miracle we haven't been banned from four-person stakeouts at this point.
Jason: preach. also i think the guy we're supposed to be watching just picked up a gun- oh he's putting it in his mouth-
Tim: i hate this fucking job.
Damian: he had a pet lizard, right?
Jason, disappointed: yeah,
Damian, brutally apathetic: well. can't wait to tell father about my new lizard.
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