Have you ever been Twisted and Turnt ?
Tell me how it felt

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@miserywithinnaomi
Have you ever been Twisted and Turnt ?
Tell me how it felt
Hiding My/Your Disgust/Fear
since I was 10 I wanted to be a smoker
I felt it in my blood. I wanted to toke up . Each whiff floating down the street told me to chase
When I was 12 I got on my hands and knees and begged my best friend’s older brother for a hit off his joint
He said no and laughed and we all laughed I did too trust
But I resented him just a little that night . Let me escape with you ?
Let me get scared ? Let me feel wired ? Let
me feel free ?
I had my first real toke at 15 with my long distance friend from Ireland when he came to visit,
December 2024
Thanks Mikey
I haven’t stopped since
I mean it truly, thank you
I only regret smoking so many cigarettes
Now I cant smoke as much weed
You warned me about that Mikey, sorry I didn’t listen.
You get it though
Mary jane was the name of my close friend in elementary school
I was in love with her looking back . She used to tell me how close we were and I remember praying silently that she meant it
She’d kick me and other girls in the back of the ankles with her steel-toed boots , and laugh , and we always came back
I knew her mom was a pot smoker before I even really knew what that was. Most of my family was too
Her mom always smelt like them, always glassy eyed, always far away . At least when I would see her at school
Mary jane made me feel in touch with myself . I was having friends the right way . I didn’t ever make it weird
But eventually I didn’t wanna hang out with her with other people . I spent so long wanting to be in her orbit I couldn’t stand sharing that intensity with someone else
The yard duties at Ceder would usually smoke their cigs during our recess . There were butts all over the school . It always smelled like my sweet aunt Hellen’s
Part of why I smoke is because it takes my pain away. Physically speaking ,
I was in a nasty car accident when I was 11
My back hurts all the time
My shoulders stiff every day
My neck with a perpetual kink
Is that enough of an excuse? Cant I take the emotional debrief as an honest to god Plus? If I promise enough it isn’t the main reason
Then why do you smoke cigarettes? They make me nauseous
i said when I started smoking pot I’d stop if it ever made me nauseous, I hate that feeling .
Pot in fact, helps my GERD
cigarettes worsen it
There is no such thing as a middle ground for damaging myself, not for someone like me . I came out the mother damaged, its a slow degradation from there, sooner then the average cigarette smoker
Didn’t I say I wouldn’t ever do this again?
Stop smoking all the time so you can really enjoy one when you’re drunk
Take a break big boy, you earned it
I hope this isn’t the hardest thing Ive ever done.
I hope this is the hardest thing Ive done in
a while.
If I quite one truly damaging vice I think I have to quite the others.
I think quitting cigarettes could yank me from my porn addiction in a truly foul swoop of regret and reflection
Im ready to hurt again , LAY IT ON
The King of Carrot Flowers
Im on my second cig
I will do anything to forget
Even if it makes me nauseous
Thinking about it makes me nauseous
and you make me throw up
I wish I could jack off normally
Looking for Salvation
High tfag teen plays his balls out
I was scared of you the other night, so I took you low and slow
Only got up to 0.5
It was real chill, a humble introduction to your way of life
Cuz and Bro took at least 3g , and our setter starting being a bitch
He said he wanted to go to bed at three am while we were still all tripping !!!
We walked to the gas station three separate times and none of them did we end up going inside
We forgot the wallet the first time
We got paranoid the second time
We gave up the third time
We ate the whole loaf of sourdough wit like eight boiled hot dogs (glizzy)
We smoked so much fucking pot
I had a fucking amazing time
And I feel great now too
We watched Joes College Roadtrip and
Rick and Morty
I took another swig
I took another drag
Id ghost it
I hit the wood hard as hell
Im slumped, bro
Im cooked, for real
Ay where Jacob at , Yo Jacob, Wake up Jacob
We wanna hit the vapeeeeeeeeee
Im happy
So happy
ay man fosho
ay man ,
fosho
Happy Graduation Cousin Man
06/04/2026
The Day After our Mushroom trip
I didnt take as much as, everyone else
I saved myself some for later . Tehee
I stole this cigarette from his pack,while my cuzz slept on the floor
In relation to my last post I say UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH i dk bruhhhh
when its your cousin who you see as kind of a younger brother even tho hes six months older
Fucking idiot
I just want you to understand what Im trying to tell you about . Ive seen both sides of the war you are fighting in . Please listen
You are almost out of time
If a guy apologizes for being a dumb ass dick do you forgive him if he genuinely is just dumb as rocks ? This is a question I have debated for a long time
Im drunk as I write this, Can you tell?
Promise no edits
My cousins friend gave me his burnt geek bar
But I haven’t had a vape in awhile so it tastes fine to me, and he had another at home
I smoked off my cart all day hanging out with them, We were trying to buy shrooms
My cousin said I hit my cart like it’s my vape
I like that shit
My cousins friend said he has the same battery as me,
I like that shit
Its not that deep
Bur I feel like every other teenager now. Geek bar in hand, drunk off 99 peaches, Kodo pro in the other
Why does the brand matter? Strip it all away and it never did. We’re just teenagers getting high.
Tale as old as time
I smoke the same brand
I want to be like every other teenager
I was born in plastic like you guys
I was born gasping for air
I was born waiting for relief
I want to be like you
I wondered, could I be you? Nylon basketball shorts, rubber sneakers, polyester hoodie
I know I am full of richness beyond your comprehension, but I want to get comfortable in your imitation of richness
Let me wriggle in it, feel the fibers wrap around my hips and breasts and make me anew. Your royalty. King of the basketball court. I am just like you.
Buzz cut with chunky layers. Acne craters and inflammation. Chapped lips. Oily hair. Dry ends. Wrists that sharpen your entire physique.
It’s cold and I’m at a school in a place hours away from home. Im walking and eating a sweet sandwich wrapped in plastic.
Ever heard of red bean paste? I think about it when I eat a peanut butter jelly
your playing basketball with your guy friends. Im not invited but Im here anyways. I dont play very well but Im kind of funny . You feel bad
You are so mean to me
Why do I want to be just like you?
The right half of my upper body will always crave to be in your shape
But my body would look grotesque if I let it
Love letter to my Ex Sean
Im drunk as i write this, Can you tell?
Im writing this so I dont end up texting him
Im so sorry I broke up with you the day after your birthday, over the phone at that
I knew it was the wrong time, But I felt it was worse to drag you along days after waiting for the right time
I hope you have someone else now. You are so god damn sweet. You deserve someone to love you so tenderly. Im so sorry
Anyways, I wanted to tell you every single reason why we bromke up in that very moment but when you said you asked me to never contact you again it hurt and I got reactive because I had so much to tell you, and now I couldn’t. But I do understand.
You were so sweet. In every way.
But you weren’t very smart. I saw so much of myself in you, and Ive met a handful of people like you, but I was maybe 13 back then .
You didnt have any stability. I need that in a partner. But I was eager to establish myself as independent, I told myself I wouldn’t waste my time. But three months isn’t that much time, I regret that I was so quick to yank away. There was so much I didn’t get to learn about you. you were going through so much and all of it was familiar to
me
I wanted to help you but I don’t think you were ready to confront some things. It made me worried, because I was only barely ready to confront those same things in my own life.
I cant go back to that time in my life . When I couldn’t even glance at these huge things ravaging my mind.
But you were still in the middle of seeing everything that was unfair to you. Your dad was so fucking weird. Im so sorry. I know he has done things you don’t want to talk about
Mine did too, and nobody wanted to talk about it
So when you can barely talk about it, even when he’s weird To Me;
I lost my sense of safety with you Sean
I got scared
But I should’ve told you
When your friend is so uncomfortable to be around, When she touched on you even when I tried to stare her down, to establish myself as yours, surrounded by your friends for the very first time
I ask myself every day If I should have just stood up and chewed her out but I just didn’t know if that was the kind of friendship you guys had
You said, after she left, that you didn’t like her much either
So why did you invite her that day ?
I don’t blame you for being scared, I don’t blame you for brushing it off,
But why did you have to make excuses for her , to me, when I brought it up? When we were all alone?
I thought we were in this together?
Maybe I lost some faith in you then. I wanted to be by your side but that, and this, time in my life I just am not a broad protector
I try, but I can’t guard you. Im so sorry. I needed you to have a sense of strength about yourself. But you were only beginning to develop that. I should have given you grace
But I think my nature reacted, and I was scared . If I stood up for you, would you for me ? Could you even if you wanted to? Not out of strength, but courage?
Im so sorry
.
You were such an amazing partenr. My God I was in love with you. Was is the wrong word but I won’t use any other out of respect and fear. But you were immature, and too much of my life had. been dedicated to immaturity .
i graduated today
Right now as I am typing this I Am Drunk
Can you tell? Let me know
Today I saw my cousin and his girlfriend
Now ex
But we are all still friends
Because thats the mature thing to do
We shared a cigarette at the park. Two actually
We smoke that shit down to the filter
I graduated a week or so earlier then him, despite being a few months younger
We joke
I unintentionally brag about my grades, he mentions the way his fail, I brag more,
somewhat intentionally
Im proud of myself, and I miss him
Dumb ass bitch
He gets off probation in three days,
He says he wants to smoke up with me, but before he said he’d probably only smoke again with his girl
I get it
Where did you go?
We shared a cigarette.Or two. And he explained his issues and I tried to explain them back to him. I have that habit but Im not a therapist. I just like the idea of helping someone profoundly. I hope to God it hits right.
By the second he said he wanted to get into a new relationship, but nothing serious
I said I think you need to spend some time alone with your thoughts TRULY BRUH
i dont know if it truly hit
He left me two of his cigarettes before he left, and his JBL speaker he doesn’t use anymore
Its been three months since we talked,
I told him, I love you cuzzo
You always have somewhere with me
I took a shot six minutes before he left
He said , “What a gangster”, or something akin
But took it back when I reached for a drink
“I never needed a chaser. Not for fireball, or pink Whitney, not for nothing.’
He isn’t bragging very strongly but he is. I find myself envious of that.
The separation between my pride in my education and his pride in each substance-related or manhood forming esk experience he has had, isn’t nearly as far apart as anyone might think
I wish I didn’t need a chaser after a shot. I wish I could deny my human reaction when convenient or cool and I don’t say that sarcastically. People don’t see things as cool for nothing . But I have a hunch he wishes he had my grades. We learn from each other. We become each other until we are entirely anew. Thats the goal at least
My cousin has always been cool to me. He has also always been quite dumb to me. I think those two go hand in hand. He is quite tender hearted down to his true character, defying what he tells even himself
I wish I could be in his brain for a few days or hours or whatever. Just understanding him .
Complicated ass boys turning into complicated dumbass men
I think teenage boys and teenage girls of every variety have wayyy more in common then they think . Everybody is so prissy
My cousin didnt know what the word meant
Is it so wrong to want to do things without wasting the energy I could be using to do other things?
i don’t know how to do anything right
I isolated when I was 13 and it worked like a charm
But ive seen what the world has to offer . I dont want to sit alone anymore
my own mother can’t stand my face sometimes I see it in hers . disgust
But I believe her when she says she loves me, she wants me to see what the world has to offer
We got in a fight because I wanted her to ask me what Was wrong , and instead she wanted to go out and have a good day together. Theres nothing wrong with that is there?
I didnt go on the school trip I wanted to go on
I just can’t have good days when something is so wrong as it is . I just wanted her to ask what was wrong
Im terrified . Im about to graduate . I cant write . I cant draw . I cant make anything worth anything
Ive never been good at school . But I was the last three years. I was so good. Now its almost over
about 15 years of misery in a place I screamed to stay away from and now its almost over right when I got good . Thats okay
Im going to go to college
Im so ready, now Rush forward, Flood my senses, Im getting impatient
The waiting is the real fear. I know when I meet this new part of my life, of me, that I will meet it horns first just as it will face me the same way. But the waiting. Im just waiting. Im sitting here waiting. Im laying here waiting. Im two months away from turning 18. Im still 13 years old. Today I felt like I was 5
Mom scoffed at me and I broke down because she always scoffs at the things I do or don’t do, the things I say or don’t say, she does it without even realizing it. I point it out and she says she doesn’t even notice it. Nobody has supposedly never noticed the ways they split me like twine
I cry over spilt milk because why would you spill it on purpose?
Well it wasn’t on purpose. just didn’t care if it happened
whats the difference anymore
Im so scared to graduate
I want to be 5 years old again
I don’t care what I miss out on if you promise It’ll always stay the same ,
And I would rather die then stay the same ,
So maybe the answer has been in front of us all along
Please promise me you won’t forget who I was
mylife is a fucking nightmare