Up for discussion.

Pictures, words, syntheses, anomalies, and things.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

giant clams……………………………………….are blue

[sweeney-tomo]

How blue?

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

honestly? pretty damn blue

and not just blue! some of them are green and purple apparently…

this world compels and overwhelms me.

[biggest-gaudiest-poltergeist]

No one one this website has the capacity to experience Shame

[misflotus]

No Spoiler

We are all headed towards the same ending. 

There is no cosmic secret.

There is no spoiler. 

So you can be frantic

and run around 

and try to show the people you love

the things that you want them to know (about you).

You can try to inject love into people’s ears 

or compress it and save it so that it will be there when you’re gone.

You can contort and silence yourself, 

searching for the perfect sentence.

So know this:

when someone is with you, 

the love exists. You share it, no energy wasted.

When someone’s molecules are near yours, 

there is exchange.

That is brighter and deeper and more

connective than anything you could transmit to their heart

with language.

[misflotus]

[misflotus]

It feels a bit like taking a deep breath and diving in.

It feels like getting ready to hold your hand and being uncertain if I'll grab a red hot poker by mistake.

Today I held a baby who amazes her father. He's a little scared, but reassured because he sees how much her brother and sister love her. When we can connect, we feel strong. When we fall away from those we love, we forget who we are.

We remember that we are drifting and might not have our anchors with us when we find ourselves in California.

My brother called me today and I thought it was because his moon was in Gemini. He told me he found it weird, that things were odd between us and immediately I went to trauma, old trauma. No, he said. I want to know you. I want to be in your life and not just bullshit about niceties.

[misflotus]

When I Say, “This is Enough.”

Sometimes the mind is really clear. Sometimes there are a lot of sensations and thoughts that arise when climbing.

I've been doing a lot of climbing lately. Physically, sure. Mentally, as well.

I came down off a climb intentionally today for the first time. Hadn't even reached the second bolt. I attempted this move what felt like 6 times, and I was oscillating between, “I can do it, I’ll get it,” and “I have no idea where safe feet are, and this rock is wet. I don’t know for sure I will stay on if I move up.” 

It was more worth it to me to not fall, and keep both me and my belayer safe, than it was to show the three other guys on the mountain that, "Look, the girl can get that route too!"

It took a certain amount of grace to do that. I accepted that I didn't feel secure, that I couldn't say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I wasn't going to fall. I decided that I could trust my judgement and not push my limits in a situation that wasn't actually going to benefit me by overcoming the challenge.

The lesson was identifying where I am, and being gentle with that state. The more that I tell myself, "it's not enough," the less I feel like I can support myself in emotionally satisfying ways. The less I feel a worthy, capable human being.

This extends to every area of my life. I want to start gently moving out of this story cycle.

Lots of stretching and assessing how I'm moving through the world. How I'm showing up for the people in my life that I care about.

I found myself worrying about the acceptance of a new potential partner today. Several realizations hit like lightning:

I need to accept my decisions and be resolute in the paths I'm selecting before I can expect that from someone else.

If I can wholeheartedly accept my uncertainty, and my resolve to move through the world while occupying unconventional relationships, then I don't need the approval of others. It's nice, and I can hope for it, but I don't need it in order to know that I'm okay.

I think there's a trap that I fall into when I really start crushing on someone. I want to do everything in my power for them to like me, but I also want them to like me for me. Not the me that will on-sight 10ds, and could run 5 miles 7 days a week while thinking nothing of it.

The struggle to remain the same and not start morphing myself into the perfect version of what I assume the other's looking for is my current mental exercise.

I need to say yes to myself every step of the way. The other people can decide what they say yes to.

[misflotus]

The real revolution will be love.

[misflotus]

Reflection Manifesto

Let it be known that the end of our relationship was not my way of saying I never loved you.

I'm realizing this more than a year since the last time I saw you, but I want to write it for myself.

I hope one day maybe you'll find this message.

What I felt was real. The decisions I made are not ones that I regret. I learned from you, I loved you, I loved with you. I am stronger and wiser and more compassionate and slightly grayer because of us.

I am whole, I am complete, and I was completely in love with you.

In saying this, I affirm the trust that I have in my own ability to love and feel connected to others.

I am not operating falsely. In loving someone else, I show up authentically. It is the most powerful way I can express care for another being.

[misflotus]

Hi loss. Hi letting go. Why is it so hard for me to do this? Why is it so hard for me to turn away from the thing that has been potent, powerful, dark, pulling? 

You are the thing that has been unobtained. You are the person that I’ve not been able to keep close. But I said it was ok. I said I didn’t need you to stay close. I gave the go ahead for not being valued. I gave permission to be treated as less than what I actually needed. Now I need to get light. I need to be mobile again. I need to feel the unbearable lightness of moving through the world with as few objects and as much love for myself as possible. I will take on this loss. I will learn from it. I can be the one who moves towards speaking more clearly and powerfully about the heart that resides in this body.

[misflotus]

Let go of the desire to control. Let yourself feel how it feels to be held by yourself. What is fear like? What is feeling with our bodies, freshly, like? How do we begin to listen with parts of us that haven’t been used for listening ever? How do we return to trusting intuition when we’ve been silencing it for years? It’s not easy. It feels like falling apart. It means building ourselves back together.

[misflotus]

Treat Tuesday like a Friday.

[misflotus]

Hey you.

If you feel a little funny, and you think it might be because someone’s thinking about you, they are. It’s me. Hope you’re doing okay. Wonder what you’re thinking about right now.

[misflotus]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRbM5_MAhRk)

[what-strange-lives-we-live]

I don’t mess around or play games. I don’t believe in them. I just want honesty. I’d rather wake up one morning and say, “You know what? I had a really terrible dream that you were fucking someone else. Can you love me extra today?” instead of getting in a fight about some stupid shit and then at the end of the day being like, “Okay, can I tell you why I’ve been acting like this?” I’d rather say “Heads up” than “I’m sorry” later. Your relationship is supposed to be the safe place.

John Mayer (via what-strange-lives-we-live)

[mrjohnmayer]

Don’t pack for where you’re going, pack for who you want to be when you get there.

john mayer (x)

[thesongsonthisblogareok-blog]

Visit Original Link

XO (Beyoncé cover) | John Mayer

“Your love is bright as ever, even in the shadows. Baby kiss me, before they turn the lights out.”

[crystallinecashmere]

Visit Original Link

Guys, i don’t know if yall have heard this Frank Ocean track, but it so fucking good and i’m pretty sure its new. 

[misflotus]

Watching the world bloom out in front of me like a vast ocean. Diving in. Not knowing how deep the water is. Understanding that only by softening to the fear of opening my eyes will I be able to see beneath the surface.