in depths

leo / he

[misofriedrice]

this really applies to everyone youre close to but if you hear any rumours about me please talk to me before believing them. awesome thank you

[misofriedrice]

[misofriedrice]

i had really vivid dreams about cutting myself to the point where i can feel the wounds on my legs and i really, really wish that were me in person. that's all i can keep telling myself. i have to go out and be a normal person when i'm already fucking exhausted and feel disgusting and dysphoric and it's almost 90 out.... all i wanna do is cut myself. it's back to the point where it's infiltrated all the safe places inside in my head

[misofriedrice]

i got my film camera working again :D excited to work in this medium this summer

[misofriedrice]

mmmmmm

[misofriedrice]

sexy boy

[misofriedrice]

wonderful exploration day

[misofriedrice]

[misofriedrice]

[misofriedrice]

hi just a reminder that im an absolute motherfucker!

[misofriedrice]

true "queerplatonic" intimacy is letting your bff squeeze all your testosterone pimples *_*

[misofriedrice]

@mormoopidae ah that was in chelsea (manhattan) outside my trans clinic ^_^

[misofriedrice]

the eternal quest ov how do i tell my friends im suey sigh doll without scaring them or making them feel like its about any of them :/ cuz its not :) i just hate myself and how i take up space and i want to not exist in this space any more :/ :/ :/

[misofriedrice]

[misofriedrice]

this is fucking ironic cuz she MADE me take out my "ugly septum" to get a job and move out and now shes like "oh this is potentially my dream job, chefing and sailing rolled into one, and i might not take out my nose ring for it" -_- ok mom cool keep makin me be your mom! Awesome........

[misofriedrice]

*whips out a really big microphone* i smoked a fat bowl and everything is okay now im sleeping so i can work more instead of thinking about my self and all my layers

[misofriedrice]

ah. dont you just love it when your whole entire brain tells you loudly and pervasively to slit your wrists and all you can think about is how delicious it feels to feel yourself bleed out light headed and alla that... i havent been high like that in so long i miss it. i miss hurting myself. i even miss the guilt i felt after, the absolutely intoxicating self-directed enragement. i miss letting myself feel the self-hatred in its full-throttle force. i miss engaging with the toxic beast, letting it come thru me and take me over. i miss being 14 totally absolutely crazy and dissociating to the point where i thought i was possessed

i think i mostly miss when i didnt have to be responsible for myself because i only got such fleeting tastes of it as a kid. as a result, i miss almost bleeding out in the bathtub, and crave it nearly every second of my waking life, and i feel like i deserve it, but i don't wanna freak anyone out with it

i was propelled way too fast into this life on my own shit and the whiplash absolutely wrecks me sometimes. and then i wonder why i have to smoke weed to drown it out... i'm so stupid. i want to die all over again. i haven't felt this way in awhile. i'm probably just gonna fucking menstruate in a few days and this is all evil nasty hormones talking but i really feel like if i wasn't going home to a community of 2 people that i love and trust, who i wouldn't want to leave or feel left behind, i would be attempting something tonight. putting a plastic bag over my head or giving myself a concussion. and i would already be covered in many more scars and fresh cuts.

i don't think anyone understands that i spend most of my time every day staring the animal in the throat and barely tempting him away from coming in and using me to hurt myself. i feel like im throwing measly scraps of rotten meat at a cyborg lion creature whos 4x my size who just wants to see me hurt. and i manage to keep him away but hes always there.... ready to strike when im weak.... ready to see me bleed

i haven't cut myself in damn near a year, and i'm not actually going to damage myself. this is just constantly percolating in my insides and it's painful to just stew on it and not process it