It finally arrived
Much unexpected by now, the inability to numb my thoughts and myself with computer games, TV, sleeping is gone. I believe this is the maturity that should have arrived at the beginning of adulthood but did not.
I am still adjusting, clear and undoubtedly. It is a big shift in the way I have dealt with most negative feelings and fears. I am used to just shutting down and hope it goes away, once they reach an unbearable level. I am not able to do that anymore and I'm pretty convinced that I don't want it to be that way anymore. I've since found a new drive, a new will to "make things happen". To take better care of me and my space.
Conversely, I now have to deal with my feelings while they are pounding in my head, which is hard labour in of itself. And the thing with feelings is that they are real, even if their origin is not and the wisdom to differentiate is in backorder. It will come, eventually, but it's late.
Another particularity of feelings is that sometimes, frequently, seldomly, they clash with values we hold dear. With beliefs that one has inscribed with a chisel in the commandments stone. The ones we rather break than twist. Such as individual freedom of anyone, moreover a loved one. And this is why being pounded daily by jealousy, insecurity, anxiety and self-doubt creates a clash so violent inside my mind. Creates a myriad of questions that I do not want to utter, for they are unfair to bestow upon anyone. And so I'll write them here, expecting they never get asked. Let alone answered, for that would be even worse, in the grand scheme of things. And for my values.
• Where did you go Friday?
• why do you keep following him?
• do you keep taking to them?
• did they make you feel better than I do in sex?
• how much better were they at it?
• why do you want to go alone?
• why did you ask me to go with you an then tracked back?
• are you going for the sex, a few wild nights?
• are you going to meet someone there?
• what would make you come back?
• can I just be ok with your freedom?
• should I just let you be there one that got away?
These are the ones burning, currently. It's up to me to digest and resolve them.










