The Robin Hood WIP diaries (15) - The writer + the future
I have a really hard time thinking about the future. My future, the future of my books, the future of my world with me in it. But as I write, I discover I have to think about the future. I have to plan, I have to be excited, and most important of all, I have to hope.
For me, my future was robbed when illness assaulted me a few years ago, and I know I will never get those years back, nor will I get the opportunities I missed and all the things I had to give up back either. I used to think of my life as over (bad as that sounds) until I started writing. And even then, it wasn’t me living actually, but the characters I wrote about.
However, when I started publishing my work, and earning a living out of it, I began to realize some things were changing, and some other things had to change. From being completely lost and having pretty much given up on myself and life in general, I became someone who has done the near-impossible: turned my art into a job. Turned my dream into reality.
When I try to begin to explain to people what my job is (it’s not easy for everyone to grasp the concept of self-publishing, especially if you have to explain the part of self-writing, self-marketing and self-businessing as well) people gape.
They just look at me and gasp, how. How are you doing all that?
And I’m like, oh, I don’t do anything. You see, I’m sick; I have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning or anytime, really. But I don’t say this out loud. Out loud I say, yes, I enjoy it very much. But that’s not true. I don’t just enjoy it. It’s keeping me alive. And on that note, I think it’s time to start thinking about the future.
I have stolen a tag from the lovely @adventuresthruwonderland ‘s gorblog although I was not tagged in it.
But as soon as I saw it, I felt the old “revulsion” and despair towards geous contemplating the future take over, and for the first time ever in over 10 years, I did not give in.
Maybe writing about Robin and his desperate, ruthless fight for hope has made me see things differently. Or maybe I just love this story so much, I want to enjoy every part of writing and publishing it, yes, even the future. I mean, if I am imagining a brilliant, happy future for these out laws (well, most of them – spoiler alert) and for my novel, then I might as well imagine it for myself, right.
Maybe that’s the real reason I keep coming back to this particular story, the story of Robin Hood. It gives me hope, just by association.
For the longest time, I haven’t been able to see a future where my dad isn’t here, and where I’m not well enough to do the things I used to do before this sickness murdered me (again, sorry for the strong expression, but only those suffering from it will know that that’s exactly what it is). But now I think I will.
I think I will think of a future where my dad is gone and it hurts to breathe, but I live on and he lives on in my heart with me, and is happy watching over me as I honor him with a fulfilling life. I think I will think of a future where I am sick and nearly dead, but no t quite. And, slightly paraphrase Katniss, while I’m still here anyway, let’s make some noise.
So, in case you’re not depressed enough already by reading this (I’m sorry), let me make it clear: This is going to be painful and hard and full of sarcasm (as usual). You don’t want to read what’s coming, trust me.
On that happy note, let’s look for this light in the darkness.
The tag is about your future and what you would like to tell yourself when you are ten years older than your age right now.
· What do you want your life to look like over ten years?
I want to be happy. That’s it. I would love to have my health back, but if that’s not possible, then I would like to be able to live with the dude quietly, and create stories. That little life is enough for me.
If I am really going crazy with my imagination, I would love to have written at least, not necessarily published, 10 of the books that are currently cramming their way out of my brain and into tons of notebooks and word docs. But even half of these would be enough for me, because that would mean that I am still writing and being happy while doing it.
I really really want my Robin Hood WIP series to be finished and for people to read it and love it, that’s for sure.
· What do you want to ask to the future you?
“I know that for a long time you didn’t want to live all those years ahead of you. Now that you have, do you regret it? Did it hurt like it hurts right now to be alive? And where did you find the courage to endure it?”
· What do you want to have her remember?
Every single thing about her father. I don’t want her to lose a word, a look, a moment. I know she won’t, because the memories have a way of getting stronger instead of weaker in grief.
And I want her to remember every happy moment of her life, because grief steals those, and it’s already taken too much of me. No need to take any more in the years to come (if they do). I hope she has fought against grief, and mostly won.
· Where do you think she’ll live?
Now this is dream territory, but bear with me, because if there’s one thing that still makes me incredibly happy, it’s to daydream.
She will live in a little house by the sea, maybe Corfu or something like that, where she can sit by the window every day and write, listening to the surf. Her dude will no longer have to work nights, so he will come home from work in the afternoon, and she will close her laptop and they will go out for long walks and talks together.
(If I’m realistic, I’ll be living right here, though, which isn’t that bad at all either.)
· What do you think she will miss the most about your life now?
Writing the Robin Hood WIP!
I hope I will have finished it by then, and will have published it too, but man am I going to miss being in that world. This is the world I want to live in, out of all my books –the forest, the castle, the towns, even the dungeon (why not, if Robin is in there? I’d be completely safe. Well, mostly. Well, maybe.). Right now, while writing the story, I am in that world and I’m savoring every second.
· What do you think she will be happy about she does not have any more what is present in your life?
Fake friends/people. I think that is a greater poison than people hating you. So I will be glad if by then some people have been weaned out of my life, and only the true ones remain. That would be a blessing!
Tagging all The Book Robin Hoods (writers and readers)!
Feel free to answer these “FUTURE TAG” questions on your blogs, tumblrs, websites, videos, wherever you want! Don’t forget to use #thebookrobinhoods and tag me and others from our little family. Let’s get to know each other better. x
