Instagram post @mandapanda848
15th October 2018
Lighting our candle ...
#waveoflight #waveoflight2018 .
šÆš
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@missedmiscarriage2018
Instagram post @mandapanda848
15th October 2018
Lighting our candle ...
#waveoflight #waveoflight2018 .
šÆš
Instagram post @mandapanda848
Saturday 13th October 208
9th to 15th October 2018 is baby loss awareness week. Particularly poignant to Mark and I as our little one š would have been due on 17th October 2018. Thank you to the @miscarriageassociation for sending our pins to us so quickly - I only ordered them yesterday! And to @sainsburys as we picked up these very aptly coloured flowers whilst shopping today.
#blaw #blaw2018 #babyloss #missedmiscarriage #miscarriageassociation #hopingforarainbow
Back to the grindstone
Friday 11th May 2018
So, Iāve been back at work two weeks now. Itās been tough. Just adjusting to the commute into London again has been tiring. Colleagues who Iāve been able to confide in have been very kind and supportive. Having therapists as colleagues is definitely a big help.
It feels like Iām making a big effort to resume my own therapist role and working with clients who are currently pregnant creates challenges for me that Iāve obviously never encountered before.
I have been advised to consider counselling by my Clinical Lead. Now this is something that I have thought about and definitely not ruled out. I wasnāt given any details by the Early Pregnancy Unit and assume that if I had been, it would be for the local IAPT service ... where I worked not that long ago and have former colleagues there. Not ideal. I guess I will consider private therapy or investigating what may be available via my current NHS trust.
I hope that Mark is really ok and that he continues to tell me when things stir it all up for him too. Through all of this, Mark has been my hero. One day he will make a wonderful Father and will cherish every moment. I love this man more than ever.
I need to be compassionate to myself. I must continue to schedule helpful activities, but now around my work hours.
Mark and I need to keep hope that this storm will pass, that there will be more sunny days and to keep a lookout for our rainbow.
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Instagram post 4th May 2018 @mandapanda848
First week back at work done. Iām ready for the Bank Holiday weekend now.
Sunset in San Antonio
On our way to the airport
Our magnolia tree is bursting into leaf now š±
TWO?!?! weeks off work
So I was signed off work for two weeks. Today is Monday of the second week. Iāve tried to keep busy doing little jobs at home that Iāve been meaning to do. The tears have come and gone each day and Mark has continued to be my comforter and motivator. I do worry how he is coping though. Heās been through so much too. He tells me he vents his feelings through his cycling, putting the frustration into the pedals.
Iāve had visits from friends which has been lovely. All willing to listen to our story and not scared to see tears. The love and support we have been shown by family and friends has been wonderful.
This morning I decided to take a pregnancy test. It was negative. So, at very long last, the pregnancy has ended. The hormones have reduced and we can now begin to grieve.
Mark has booked a few nights away for a short break in Ibiza for later this week and weāre looking forward to this time away now.
I found this very helpful leaflet on aftercare from a d&c from Central Manchester University NHS Foundation Trust Hospital via a google search
The day after surgery
Saturday 14th April
I slept soundly that night but woke with a bit of a sore throat. The pain relief had obviously well worn off and one of the first things needed that morning was of course painkillers ... and more tea!
Mum arrived later that morning to take over supervising me ... I couldnāt be left alone for 48 hours after the anaesthetic. Mark was then able to escape for a short time of some normality to complete the weekly Sainsburyās shop. He returned home laden with the usual items, plus a few goodies!
I set about making some toasties for us all for lunch, keen to get up and do something! While making lunch my phone bleeped with a message from whatās app ...
āI've been uming and ahing since this morning about what to do, matt and I were going to share with everyone this eve but it's not appropriate now, however I wanted you to know from me, we are expecting a baby, due in October. It's crappy timing I know but would hate for you to hear third hand xxxxxā
This floored me. The tears couldnāt stop falling.
Yesterday while waiting we had tried to keep focused on trying to get to the Birthday dinner arranged for Saturday evening to celebrate the April Birthdays of three good friends and my own. Her timing was not good. I know thereās never a good time for someone to tell you theyāre pregnant, but I had been out of surgery less than 24 hours, heavily bleeding, in pain, the worry about the upset for our families and feeling such sadness for Mark and I at our chance of becoming a family being snatched away. Their baby probably due within a couple of days of when ours should have been.
We did go to the dinner, but I couldnāt bring myself to talk to these friends let alone make eye contact. They did announce it before we arrived, but I donāt know how the news was received. Nor do I really want to know.
Instagram post Saturday 14th April @mandapanda848
The team of amazing Nurses and Health Care Assistants who took such brilliant care of me yesterday, over what was an incredibly long day for emergency surgery. Not to also forget all the wonderful theatre staff too, who also helped me with my anxiety about having a general anaesthetic and surgery for the first time. A massive thank you to everyone at Southend University Hospital NHS Foundation Trust. Hopefully the physical side of all this sadness will now finally be at an endā¦
Friday 13th April
Mark and I arrived on Eastwood ward before 7.30am as instructed. Initially the night staff knew nothing of my case, nor were they expecting me which was slightly worrying, but advised us to wait for the staff handover. While waiting my Mum arrived and her positivity helped to improve the atmosphere in the waiting room.
Around 8am we moved from the waiting room (a terrible little room, no windows, no pictures, just hard plastic chairs and looked like an old office). I was lucky to be put into a side room and this was to be our next waiting room for the day.
The day seemed to be endless. I hadnāt slept at all the night before, and was encouraged to try to rest. So I dozed a little on and off, but woke with a start when anyone entered the room... a guy to check the alarms, cleaners, lovely nurse Gabrielle to do further pre-op checks and .... what I wasnāt at all prepared for ... to sign a consent form regarding disposal of the tissue to be removed during surgery. Oh my, I REALLY wasnāt prepared for that. Cue more tears. Poor Mark didnāt seem to be prepared either but we eventually made a decision and opted to ask the hospital to arrange cremation.
Gabrielle brought me in a gown and surgical stockings at 12.30pm and advised me to get ready.
Christine (mum-in-law to be) popped by in her lounge hour. We were all pleased to have some fresh conversation!
The afternoon continued to drag on. Mum and Mark tried to leave me for half an hour around 3 but I really couldnāt sleep.
I was fitted with a cannula and given fluids that afternoon, most of which went in until the cannula slipped - wow that hurt- and Nurse Mandy (yes, another friendly and now familiar face looking after me again) had to remove it.
The nurses advised I might not be sent down to theatre until later that evening and to prepare for that.
Then, at 5pm the Anaesthetist suddenly appeared and before I knew it, I was being whisked along the corridors to threatre with my mum and HCA Mariena alongside me before Mum then had to say goodbye outside the theatre doors. Theatre 8 ....
I felt so anxious, not knowing what to expect or feel. As I went behind the threatre doors, I was greeted by the Consultant Anaesthetist who introduced herself to me, along with her registrar and nurse. Mariena began to carry out the task of sticking numerous heart monitoring pads to me, the consultant explained what they would do and promised to look after me after knowing and understanding what I had been through so far. All the while, the registrar had so gently been fitting a cannula and beginning to administer the anaesthetic. All I remember is looking up at the ceiling and thinking this is already having some effect...
When I woke up, I found myself in a large post op room with other patients, and nurses buzzing around. I realised there was a lady in the bed next to me, and almost in a drunken stupor said hello to her. She replied hello back though!
A lovely nurse called Charmaine appeared at my side very promptly and advised me that all had gone well and they hoped to get me back on to the ward shortly.
I arrived back on the ward at 7pm ish, and was greeted by Mark, Mum and Christine.
I was soooo glad to finally then be given a cup of tea!!! I didnāt really feel hungry but knew that if I didnāt eat anything I wouldnāt be able to get home quickly. Although, to be fair the chicken soup and toast tasted good.
Whilst trying to eat, I managed to knock the cannula out of my arm again... cue blood all over the bed!
Both incredibly tired and exhausted, Mark and I finally left the ward at 10.45pm.
More trouble ....
Thursday 11th April
The day before at work another unexpected bout of cramps had begun. I felt unwell with it while at work, so on Thursday morning I took the pregnancy test a day early.... positive.
I spent the whole morning from 7.45am trying to contact the EPU and becoming more upset after each message left on their answerphone. Mark needed to get into London for work that day and fortunately my Mum was able to drive over to be with me.
Mark did manage to speak to someone via the Ward triage line at one point that morning, but was advised the Duty Triage Nurse wouldnāt be starting her shift until 10am.
My Mum-in-law to be was working at the hospital again that week, still with a Consultant a few doors along from the EPU. Little did I know, but at midday Christine went along to the unit and spoke to the Manager.... I received a call a few minutes later!!!
So, the outcome of the call was they needed me to have a scan and booked me in initially for 10.20am the next morning, Friday 13th April. However, I received another call shortly after to say they had found a slot for this afternoon and I needed to get to the hospital ASAP. Not in any fit state to drive, Mum of course took me there.
We arrived at the Womenās Clinic and all around us were a lot of women with their files and growing bumps, excited to see more pictures of their babies. I too looked pregnant, thanks to the bloatedness but looking down it just made me feel even more sadness, wishing that our little one had made it.
I was called in by Jenny, the sonographer I had seen before at the EPU. Jenny advised that EVERYTHING was still in place and the medical management, as I had feared, had not been successful. I didnāt expect to hear that literally everything was still there.... I was still carrying our little one 7 weeks after they died.
After the scan, I returned with Mum to the EPU where options were discussed. The best plan of action appeared to be the d&c now. The surgical removal of the products of conception. Wow.
I was terrified of surgery, I had never been put under a general anaesthetic before but Lorna (lovely Triage Nurse and deputy ward manager) explained everything and tried to reassure me as much as she could. So that was it, I was to have surgery ... and was placed on the emergency board for the next day!!!
Instagram post: Friday 30th March 2018
@mandapanda848
Picking out a #blacktulipmagnolia today in the rain at Perrywood Garden Centre to remember the little one šwe have recently lost #missedmiscarriage šāļø āļø š š
Wobble Wednesday
Wednesday 21st March 2018
Our first scan was on St Patrickās Day, 17th March 2018. It was meant to be an exciting day, at 9 weeks, seeing our little one for the first time.
I wonāt forget Wobble Wednesday. Iām a Psychological Therapist, I should know how to communicate and manage my emotions, but I suddenly felt overwhelmed and lost. That day I felt so upset and angry, I lashed out at my Family. Yet they seemed to forgive me, and along with Mark, my unwavering 6 foot gentle giant, continued to show love and support. I wouldnāt have been able to get through today without them all. Nor without the support of close friends, especially one who has herself experienced miscarriage not once, but twice. The pain of revisiting those memories for my friend, but also my Mum and my Mum-in-law to be. A strange and mean coincidence that my Parents miscarriage was merely a week different, in the March, 39 years apart. I hadnāt ever felt able to ask my Mum about it before. Iām wondering why I hadnāt felt able to ask her about it before. Why is it unspoken?
This past week waiting for our second scan has been the longest and most painful ever. Today, 23rd March, the hospital confirmed a missed miscarriage.
Iāll be forever grateful for the quickness and efficiency of Jenny the sonographer, who didnāt prolong the pain of waiting for the results and confirming what we feared ... no development.
It was the complete shock of absolutely no warning signs, no forewarning that something was wrong, and we had lost our little one.
Iād not heard of a missed miscarriage before, nor did I know that 1 in 4 pregnancies will result in miscarriage. Itās truly shocking.
I was in awe of the amazing care from the kind and professional staff at the Early Pregnancy Unit. Sister Lesley who calmly took my numerous scribbled notes of dates and facts that I had felt so pertinent to share, then clearly explained all the treatment options; Auxillary Jane who persevered and so gently took my blood from my challengingly small veins; and Staff Nurse Mandy who took such good care of me when it came to implementing the medical management.
Our little one was so cruelly taken away, but will never ever be forgotten. We will always remember them, the date of losing them etched in our memories forever.
One thing Iāve learnt already, is that I really do want to become a mother and feel ready to be. The fear I felt before seems to have melted somewhat, disappearing with the second wave of the Beast from the East. So, when Mark and I are ready, I guess the conception vitamins will recommence... along with reactivating the app to chart my cycle... and we will see what the future may bring for us.
In the meantime, we will keep the hope of the storm clouds passing and for the rainbow of brighter times to come.
The first message to our little one ...
Tuesday 13th February 2018
Last night Daddy and I were discussing my higher resting heart rate recorded by my Fitbit and something, must have been instinct, encouraged me to decide to take a pregnancy test the next morning. So at about 7.30 this morning I took a test... and lo and behold ... BOOM! A positive!
Mummy was shaking as she tried to tell Daddy ...
At first I didnāt want to tell anyone, but Daddy encouraged me to phone Grandma Pat as he didnāt think it was a good idea for me to not speak to anyone. Grandma Pat said she was shocked but very very excited, and insisted that I tell Grandad Colin, and then call Auntie Claire. So before I knew it I was speaking to Auntie Claire who squealed with excitement at the news.
At work today I couldnāt quite believe the news, I am nearly 5 weeks with you! By our reckoning you are due to arrive in mid October and Iām sure this time will fly by.
When Daddy arrived home this evening I took another test ... another positive. Auntie Claire has advised me to do a test that states how many weeks pregnant too, so I obediently (haha) purchased such a test at Sainsburyās on my way home to do tomorrow morning!
Itās going to take me a little time to get used to having a little companion on board now!