I realized that as I make more connections to the people around me, the less I feel a desire or even a need to keep up with the various social media outlets I used to browse so frequently - Tumblr, Elliquiy, Facebook (which I was never hugely involved with, and never on more than a superficial level). Itās been weeks since I turned on my personal computer, and when I browse, itās briefly at work (like cleaning through my daily emails at the end of the day) or on my tablet or on my phone while Iām out and about. Gaming on my computer has all but died out, and now the only games I typically play are while I'm waiting for something to happen (and I'm more likely to be found reading a news article or catching up on a book, or watching a TED Talk), or playing on my DS if I feel in a quieter mood.
I love being around people. I have friends and acquaintances of all ages, and I can converse as easily about games, food, and pop culture (well, what little I know of it, anyway) as I can about lifestyle, sex, and current events. Iām comfortable and delighted and excited (!) with my book club, eating dinner, going to a musical, ice skating, playing board games, wine tastingā¦ You name it. To me, there is nothing more spectacular than talking and hearing about the lives and stories and thoughts of the other people who share my community, and sharing in kind. I am not by nature a social creature, but I love being around the energy of other people, just listening and taking it in.
Of course there are times when I need to be in my own space, but I've become acutely aware of how I'm feeling from day to day, and even from week to week, so I can easily budget time to 'recharge', so to speak. Looking at my calendar these days, it'll be rare to find a week without at least one social engagement (outside of obligations that don't count [work] or routine activities [yoga]). I've found that I crave the contact and, having truly created a community here that I love and support and that loves and supports me, I love knowing what is going on in the lives of the people that I care about. Marriages, babies, new jobs, new adventures, all shared over an intimate home dinner or walking through a merrily lit, quaint city downtown. Ā I don't find it difficult at all to make time to meditate and read and just be on my own - that's actually probably closer to my natural state than socializing and going out, etc.
Do I think being online or taking part in online communities is a waste of time? I don't think so. There's a value to being connected to people - emails, Facebook, Google+, other communities - and it's amazing that we can connect to and talk to people who are thousands of miles away, in entirely different time zones and regions of the world. However, I take my greatest comfort in being around people. When I'm hurting or needing some support, I reach for a hug or I hold someone's hand - and I'm not someone who is outwardly or easily physical with people.
I feel like this conversation and internal dialogue is the same one I had with myself when I first began drifting away from first MASA, then Tzu Ching. "Have I outgrown these people and this community?" The answer was neither yes or no - but it occured to me after thinking on it that my personal and social needs as an individual change over time, and so when there was a lack, or I found myself wanting something else from my social interactions, I would go searching.
In the context of the past few weeks, I've begun to see my life and the relationships in my life as a part of a greater whole. My social network has deepend and expanded in many ways since high school, since college, since I began working, but many clear lines I was able to draw in the past would be harder to draw now. There are more arcs, more storylines, and more sagas and eras and chapters... and many of them mix and intertwine and weave together before coming apart (and then meeting somewhere else). The story has become more complex and rich because I forced myself out of my own comfort zone and went on a journey (or two) to make a community for myself in a new place, and I'm grateful that I had friends who encouraged me and supported me in the past (because they helped me become a person capable of adventuring on her own, fearlessly) and who continued to support me when I struggled and succeeded.
And as much as people matter to me now, people matter to me less than ever. I don't care what other people think of me before, because I love the individual I have become and continue to become, and I do not need the validation of others to quantify my own worth. I am a unique and beautiful and amazing me, and I am certain to the bone that every step I walk forward is a step I am walking towards many futures that I have always dreamed of or have come to dream and want for myself - a lifelong writer, a hardworking and dedicated professional, a passionate yogi. And those are only a few of the many identities that I carry.
The work that I do is unexpected but relevant, exciting, and endlessly fascinating because I have so many directions to grow in - I am learning to program, and dabbling in system administration, and picking up networking infrastructure. I work in a good company, with great coworkers and an excellent manager, where I am constantly growing and being recognized for my hard work. (I honestly find it incredible that I am making almost double what I first made when I started this job 1.5 years ago, and over 3x what I made at my first job in college.) Ā I'm happy knowing that I'm doing good work for good people, learning about the present (and the future!), and as a bonus, working in an industry where continued success and hard work will almost certainly find me in positions with increasing pay and thus, financial stability with enough to pursue other important paths in my life.
My personal life has become richer and fuller with friendships and a new romantic relationship. My relationship with my parents is moving in a more positive and healing direction. And I am constantly meeting new people, and being inspired by the amazing individuals around me, and just know that there is no other person I would want to be, because I am the person that I always hoped I would become, even as I daily grow and become more mature and have experiences that continue to change me in minute and major ways.
TLDR; I'm sometimes sad that I've grown apart from communities like Elliquiy, where I was really able to find my footing as an adult, and occasionally wonder if I would be missed if I never made an appearance again on Facebook, etc. But then I realize that my life is so incredibly full, and that being connected is more than just being "online". The people who matter reach out to me when they think of me, and similarly (even though I'm terrible at it) I reach out to the people who are important to me when I think of them, or when I want to talk to them and spend time with them.
In the spirit of certain recent events, I sometimes idly wonder who I would invite to my wedding if I were to get married sometime in the next few years. Big wedding vs. small wedding? How big of a wedding party? What style of reception? It's an interesting exercise, curiously enough, especially in logistics.
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