Lacey Williams

26. Female. Reading is my Addiction 😋Sweetness is my Weakness 😏 I'm angel with a shotgun.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

I told you what I wanted intially. I don't like how you are treating me. I just thought you were different that's why I gave another chance but I was wrong. I don't mind exploring things in bed but now you're showing me that's the only thing that you really wanted and someone that would help you get around.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

A Letter to You

There are many things that I haven't told you because I want us to separate without any negative memories and feelings to each other.

You asked me how I was doing with my HPV, I was miserable when I found out that I have a high risk HPV leading to cervical cancer. High risk means that I cannot have the anti cervical cancer vaccine because I already have the virus leading to it plus it's lifetime.

So I thought I will never have sex anymore to prevent spreading the virus. I was so sad because I thought I can't have kids anymore. And lost it by the age of 25 having no husband.

But it's either you pushed me away or you were disgusted by my infections and illness. I did not want anything especially financial help that time but all I need is your caring, support and company. Like the way you used to. And so I attempted to text you. But turns out that you were having fun and I don't want to ruin your day with my bad news. So, I just sucked it up and undergo all of the procedures and not tell anyone about it because I felt really dirty. I felt like a slut catching some "puta virus" as my grandmother always says.

And so, I stopped thinking about it. I suppressed everything that I felt. The friendship, memories and everything. I put every single memory in a box, closed it in and lock it. The pushed it on the farthest space on the dark room I have on my mind--where I kept all of my trauma.

I have been surviving since then. I pushed myself to work harder so that I can prove to everyone that I can be more, that I'll eventually get the dream that I have been eyeing for. The dream that I postponed because I listened to my heart than my mind.

And so I saw you again and in a snap, the lock was broken.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

Loneliness in a Bluezone

Going back to my hometown was a great decision. I received so much love and support from my family and friends. I felt like filling up my empty love tank again. They are the ones who understand even the dumbest decision that I made, don’t blame it on me but on the action that I’ve done. I felt that the broken pieces inside me are slowly finding it’s way to make me whole again. 

I left that place strong, the right moment when I just fixed myself,  the moment when I just healed myself from such pain. Now, after more than a year, I’m slowly losing myself and losing my values. But what made it worse? I’m all alone here. No granny to take me to BINGO nights with her friends, no mommy that will help me talk through it, no daddy that will go to the gym with me to release the negative emotions through physical activity and no girlfriends that will try to understand me no matter how bad my decisions will be. 

All I have are the long distance relationships that live miles away from me: my co-workers, my friends, my family and even my boyfriend. How long can I endure this?

[missinthosefreakinlips]

My thoughts in the airport

I feel like shit again. I’m starting to prepare myself that I might lose him someday, that I might not be able to talk and see him again.

As he said, shit happens in life and I must move on. I must be prepared and what ever happens, I will be stronger after that. Why is this happening to me?

[missinthosefreakinlips]

A letter for you, Pare

I had been completely honest with you but you are not with me. I can’t keep on doing this is just a lie if I’m just a side girl. You are breaking my heart. I gave my heart to you even though I’m terrified. Even though everybody said that I shouldn’t. You don’t know how much I sacrificed just to be with you now.

You are looking for a girlfriend and now you found one, you are not taking care of it. Maybe you are just looking for a girl with a tight pussy that could satisfy you for a night then you’ll eventually leave her. I know you’ve been hurt a hundred times with many other girls but so do I. I took a huge risk but I’m not sure if it’s worth it. This relationship is getting toxic and I’m not sure if I could give you my trust that has been ruined.

For the past few days, I’ve been telling myself that I’m not wasting my time. I told myself that it’ll be all right. He’ll come back to me and he loves me as what he told me. But then I discovered things about you that maybe you don’t want me to know. Those girls that you had been flirting, your ex that you keep on talking to, everything is so painful.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

Sticking to my Decision

"Pain isn't always a sign that we did something wrong. It could just be a sign that this is a period where we need to grow and we need to overcome a few obstacles." ~Matthew Hussey

He doesn’t want a relationship. He wants something without labels. It is okay if I go on dates with other guys. We weren’t exclusive. He likes me a lot but not enough to keep me. 

Those were the reasons I dumped him. I liked him so much-- so much that I was willing to spend a year near him, to delay fulfilling my dreams, to explore and go on adventures with him. But then, he wasn’t able to wait. He met and had sex with other girls “for fun” because I was not there. Long distance relationship sucks. 

Now, I’m in pain and I know it’s okay. It is normal because it means that I still believe in love. It’s okay because that means that I know that there would still be a man for me that could love me the way I want him to. Someday, I’ll meet that man when I’m fully healed, when I’m fully ready.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

Polyamorous is different than cheating

My boyfriend told me yesterday that he had a close gal friend he met at work. I told him that’s great because you are meeting people on your new workplace. However, he told me that he was already banging her for fun.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

My Relationship Pattern

I thought that I am strong. Yes, I was a few months ago then I met this guy again. He is American, he has a completely different personality than most guys that I’ve been with. At first, I had no intention of taking things seriously with him. I just said to myself, “I want to try and see what happens”. In fact, he is actually not a husband material for me. I just wanted to hang out and have sex.

After 2 months, he left the city. I said, “it’s okay” because I was not emotionally attached to him back then. However, I started to miss him and badly want to move closer to him. I invested too much without him investing back. Now, he even tried flirting with my best friend. I’m starting to realize that it’s not the fault of the guys that I’m dating. Maybe it’s just me? I let them treat me like trash and forgive them after. Relationships are difficult.

Now, here I am asking myself about my worth again. I never really learned my lesson. I may have but I will end up giving my heart fully to those people who hasn’t given them yet. 

[missinthosefreakinlips]

Twitter is too short for my feelings

Maybe for you its nothing but for me it’s something.

I’ve been pretty down for the last few months. I don’t know if its because of work, school or social life-- maybe a mixture of everything already. I don’t know if I’m just choosing to be down but I want to get pass through it. Maybe I’m just tired of everything I don’t want to talk about life anymore. 

It was the first time a guy dumped me. Fuck him, why he do this to me? However, thinking about it, I think its good tho because I will not give shits easily now. The reason why I have trust issues.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

That Burger Guy

Why do people think that they know who you are in fact they’re not.

After having that bullshit fling with my ex co-worker, he boosted my self-doubt he was the one who made me ask myself, “Am I worth it?” That is hell of a shit. How can someone makes you feel special then left you hanging one day without saying a word. I don’t think that distance is the main problem here. I was wrecked. I was back to the old self that I am running away from. I am back to that Lacey who was so reserved, who was so lonely. Looking for a person that will fill in the gap that she is longing for. 

I’ve been through this but why is it painful again? He brought me back to the darkness I once faced. He brought me back to the ugly me.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

this is really me.

[missinthosefreakinlips]

Is it worth the risk?

I met a guy few months ago. We dated for two months but then we’ve gone separate ways because of our work. Since then, we weren’t able to talk that much but that’s when I realized that I like him so much. I still believe that destiny and will should go together but I think that I did not do my part. I didn’t show that I liked him even if I did. I just let him made all the efforts and I just stayed there waiting for the right time. When is it anyway?

So after a month of not seeing each other, I realized that I needed to see him. I like him so bad. I asked him out this Sunday. He said yes but I don’t know what will happen next. I think that this might be our last date and I must do things right. Should I confess how I feel? 

Please give me some advice.

[sweechings]

Necklaces for sale

[sweechings]

Necklaces for sale

[suburban-gerbil-deactivated2013]

[normreedus]

[missinthosefreakinlips]

I feel like a crap

Whenever I have so many things in my mind, I tend to hide it by being so talkative, hyper and happy around my friends.

Yesterday was a disaster. I feel like a crap. That thing I had with my ex-boyfriend made me feel like a hell of a crap. I'm feel like a bitch that can easily be lured in his bed. I touched him all over, kissed his neck and had sex with him but we didn't kiss on the lips. I felt no connection. While we're doing that, I know that he had other things in his mind. I know that he loves someone else. 

But the worst part of it, even if I know it, I still continued doing it. This is bullshit. I'm trying to supress this memory a hundred of times earlier but it keeps on coming back. He cheated on his girlfriend twice already using me. When we were together, he never cheated on me even once so I am certain he's not a cheater. But things are so different now.