It's been over a decade. And I think I'm finally in a place where I can really talk about this. Fuck. Kayleigh. McCollum.
My first poly experience, and simultaneously my first really meaningful relationship, I was a wreck. It wasnt pretty. I would lock myself in bathrooms, cut myself, claim nobody loved me, didnt understand my own worth, had really bad abandonment fears and self sabotaged a lot. Hurt the people around me continuously. It was a real shitshow. I'm not proud of it but I'm also not going to erase it or pretend it didnt happen.
So no surprise that eventually that relationship would end. What I dont think anyone counted on, especially me, was that it would end due to pressure from a metamour.
On the night that it happened, Kayleigh lost her shit, and I sent ben off to her because she obviously needed support and I was stable. I didnt think anything of it. Come to find out the lost her shit was over trying to break up with ben because she couldn't handle me as a metamour. I didnt have a clue this was a problem until he came back and made the decision to end things with me instead.
I had no coping strategies for that moment. And the ensuing mess afterwards, is where I came up with a important life rule: when you break up it ends there, never hold that shit out. It took about 3 months before things really settled. And in those 3 months I got reamed by Kayleigh not once, not twice, but 3 times. In which she attempted to apologize once, got defensive every time, and then turned it into telling me how horrible I am and that I needed help. To broken sobs, I talked to a few friends, a partner or two, and unanimously, they all stayed her friend. The resulting pain from that had the following effects:
1. I tried very hard to forgive her and get over it, for years, due to pressure from friends which resulted in many panic attacks
2. I quit my job, because she made friends with my boss a d coworkers and continued to show up regularly. And I was left with the burden of that feeling.
3. I went to 4 years of therapy. Just. For. That.
4. I lost most of my friends. Because as I found out, they would casually talk about me at their poly family dinners, and anyone I was still acquainted with would casually fill her and Ben in.
5. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, because for all their "take the side of the victim" talk, because I had shitty behavior because I was new, I dont think I was a victim in their eyes.
6. I got angry, really angry. And I wished her cat would die. And I lost some friends over it. I gave her a reason to be up in arms and an air of "oh well if she is going to be like that she must be in the wrong! How could someone hurt a cat?" (Rumors are funny like that. Because a wish is not action. But it sure sounds like it when your mutuals spread it.)
Now, to take a moment and talk about ben. Because those 4 years of therapy, they helped me figure out why I wasnt immediately upset with him. It was because he actually did it right... he showed up, he broke it off clean, he explained why, he with boundaries stated helped me get as much closure in a compassionate way. He put up with all that shitty toxic bullshit from me when he didnt have to, and I recognize it was best for him ultimately. So him and I... we good in my book. And I owe him some serious thanks.
Kayleigh on the other hand, I would have probably been fine had those 3 railing me conversations never happened, the talking about me to our mutuals, showing up at my work, etc. Never happened.
At one point, I asked ben... what if I never get over you? Good news. I am.
At one point, a past boyfriend insisted that I forgive Kayleigh because it would be good for me... now that one I will never get over.
I dont think about it too often. But I also think it's about time I clean out a friends list of people who are still friends with her. Because that's the only reason I think about it now.
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