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thoughts

[misss-b]

lust

you look into my eyes,

call them seductive, daring-

come and get me

but did you notice

how they glint golden

in the right light?

you trace the fullness of my lips,

imagine their taste,

how they would feel to bite

but did you notice

how their genuine smile

slants to the right?

you hear my voice,

imagine its moans,

draft scripts of breathless gasps

but did you notice

how it only wavers

when defenses are up?

you scan my physique,

guess at the skin beneath silk,

at what lies under the fabric that clings.

but did you notice

the intentional details-

accessories i cherish?

you take in my presence,

turn awe into ache,

shape me into an object for use,

never once asking

if i even wanted to be touched

by your illusion.

a curse in disguise-

to be desired more than understood,

to be worshipped & warped

in the same breath.

lust dissolves

with the vanishing of what once ignited it.

though it appears

i am desired, cherished-

i am only seen

through the lens of longing,

never through complexity of me.

[misss-b]

unwritten

i wish i could morph into someone else-

a face you’ve never seen,

a name without history.

then maybe we’d pass on the street,

& our eyes would meet

without flinching.

no weight between us,

no memories tugging at the silence.

just the quiet

of what could be,

unwritten.

[misss-b]

the privilege of feeling

if i could loosen the grip

that others’ sorrows have on my heart,

it might save me from absorbing their pain

as if it were born in my own bones

& from raging helplessly

at my inability to undo what’s been done,

to rewrite their past

with gentler hands & softer days.

it might spare me the sleepless hours,

lying in the hush of night,

turning over their words, their wounds

like puzzle pieces I’m so desperate to fit…

searching for ways

to lighten their burden

before the sun returns.

it might keep me from giving

every part of myself

to those who take-

not to heal, but to hollow.

those who use my tenderness-

not as shelter, but as a weapon.

it might shield me

from the slow, aching burn of abandonment

from the ones who leave

long after I’ve decided to stay.

yes, without vulnerability, perhaps there would be no suffering-

however there would also be no love.

so even in my longing to unfeel,

i know it is a privilege to be moved deeply,

even if it’s left me unraveling.

[misss-b]

avoidance

do you twist your own view of me to prevent its ache from reaching you-

-or is your revulsion real?

do you slice me deeper so your wound bleeds less?

do you avoid because you know that one glance would unravel the lies you’ve told yourself-

as if i was some villain

you conjured out of grief & guilt?

do you belittle my memory to ease the weight of it, or was i always just that small to you?

part of me wants to vanish with no trace, no echo, no afterthought.

but another part hopes–

you glimpse my ghost in your passenger seat when you’re desperate to outrun yourself,

hear my voice remark in the awkward pauses of your dialogue,

& feel me settle in the quietest, deepest corners of your soul

the ones you swore no one would ever reach.

–until you finally confront

the part of yourself that needed to pretend i mean nothing.

at the very least, i hope the memory of me lingers-

just enough to unsettle your quiet,

to grate the edge of your peace.

even if you claim to loathe me & rewrite our story to say you only pretended to love me,

i remember the flickers-

those fleeting moments-

when your guard cracked & rawness escaped.

though you’ve rewritten me into something unrecognizable-

diluted my meaning,

reduced me to a shadow of your own design-

i know it stems from a mind soiled with its own bitterness,

untouched by the warmth i tried, so desperately, to bring it.

i pity you-perhaps more than you deserve.

at times, i even ache on your behalf.

but your healing is no longer a weight i am willing to bear.

you are no longer mine to carry, & i no longer bend beneath what broke you.

[misss-b]

do you cut me the deepest to make yourself bleed less?

[misss-b]

unanswered questions

sometimes i wonder if you still feel me-

& what could stir that feeling now.

is it something small?

a familiar song,

a scent of flowers in the air,

a moment you didn’t expect to remember?

i wonder if i ever left a lasting trace,

or if i simply passed through your life

like a brief chapter

you’ve quietly closed.

do your eyes still wander

to the places i used to stand,

as if a part of you expects me to be there?

not with longing-just recognition.

do my words still slip through your mouth-

a phrase, a laugh, a tone

you didn’t realize you borrowed?

did you keep what i gave you-

some note, some doodle, some version of me-

tucked away where it doesn’t hurt to look,

or did you let it all go

in the name of moving on?

when you think of me,

is it the warmth that surfaces,

or only the weight of how we ended?

do you miss me quietly,

in spite of the story you’re supposed to tell?

if time offered you another chance,

would you change the way things unfolded-

or walk away before it even began,

to save us both the trouble?

would you have warned yourself

about getting close?

about how tangled it might become?

did fear hold you back more than you realized?

& did the way we fell apart confirm everything

you were afraid of?

was it real for you?

or did i just want it to be,

badly enough for the both of us?

would you ever look at me again

like you did in the beginning-

with wonder, with softness,

before everything became blurred?

do questions like these ever visit you too,

or have you already made peace

with your answer of silent avoidance?

unanswered questions.

[misss-b]

i don’t want to miss you

i don’t want to miss you-

how you looked at me,

so i’ll dim the brilliance of your gaze,

& reduce it to rehearsed delight,

as it was performed, not felt.

i don’t want to miss you-

how you laughed with me,

so i’ll silence its echo in my mind,

& blur it into background noise

until it no longer lingers.

i don’t want to want to miss you-

how we fit, unspoken & seamless,

so i’ll sever the thread between us,

& let the ache be mine alone to carry,

quiet & unseen.

i don’t want to miss you-

how the gentlest, most innocent touch lingered,

so i’ll call it coincidence,

a misstep of closeness, but nothing more.

i don’t want to miss you-

how we both leaned toward each other

like gravity had chosen us,

so i’ll say i escaped,

tell myself it was mercy, not loss.

i don’t want to miss you-

how i saw what others could not,

so i’ll slip back into their narrative,

pretend their version of you was truth.

i don’t want to miss you-

how your words touched the depths of my soul,

so i’ll pretend they were shallow, forgettable,

just distractive noise dressed as meaning-

though i still carry them quietly,

folded into me like breath

i don’t want to miss you-

how i was enchanted with every facet of you,

so i’ll count your flaws like sins,

even the ones i loved,

especially the ones i loved.

& if one day i ache

for what i once dared to feel-

i’ll call it something else.

delusion.

proximity.

loneliness.

anything else.