I remember being very sad, and searching the world for some semblance of beauty.
You were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, gentle and brooding.
You took my sadness in your hands and kept it warm, so warm I think it melted, along with any fear I had of feeling affection from a friend.
Things had changed. Like seasons come and go, almost instantly, with no warning. I woke up with the same intuition as when summer turns to fall, and I knew everything had changed. You handed back my sadness, melty and more pathetic than before, like the shattered smile of a snowman that has no idea spring is coming for him.
You smiled at me, and put my sadness back where it belonged. I knew you didn’t mean to destroy me the way you did, I should have known anyway. It was never yours to bare. The kind of emptiness I carry in my back pocket, would never suit you for long. My silent burden was always looming, waiting to collapse on us my darling. With my misery in tact, I packed my bags and left your life.
“for the best, for her, for the best”… just what I told myself on those endless car rides and it became my mantra, especially when I knew I didn’t belong any more. No matter how much it hurt. “Everything, for her”.
Still, I don’t know if I’m doing better, I hope you are my flower. I wear my sadness again, like a shield and a burden, because no one else carries it quite like you did. So maybe I’m better, or maybe I’m used to it. Maybe the misery suits me, it probably suits me.
All I know, for sure, is I find myself searching for beauty again.
You were the love of my life in the safe form of family and friend. You were the best and the worst thing to happen to me. The love and the hate. The pain and the healing. You were everything, and I was nothing.
You’ll always be the beauty I found in the world, but I’ll continue searching now and I won’t come back. Goodbye love.
- “for her, everything for her” - (via just-a-bad-life)
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