:-/

zinester // poser // h8ter

[missxxworldxx]

I turn 30 in a month. I feel really listless and am having a difficult time rationalizing why I’m still here. At this point, I can easily conclude that whatever is going on in my brain is mental illness and it’s not going to go away. I’ve been oscillating in and out of waves of debilitating depression for two decades now. Nothing seems to help; everything is a ban aid. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed as bipolar - a diagnosis I rejected - but I’m starting to reconsider that label, as it might explain why I don’t find SSRIs or talk therapy particularly useful. I am grateful for nature, and for biking, and for beaches, and for summer. I love my mom, who is a senior citizen, and as long as she is on this planet I will be as well. I feel like all my other relationships are precarious. I have recently decided to cut off all face to face contact with my ex, which erases the closest relationship I have. I want to restructure my life. I don’t care about punk or being queer or making a statement. I want family. I want intentionality. I want to live cooperatively. I want friends who I trust are my friends. I want pets. I want to get really fucking buff. I don’t want to rely on other people.

[missxxworldxx]

I hate everything and wake up writing lists of the reasons I should keep on trying

[missxxworldxx]

dear Tumblr - not using you has cut out a major support which was once in my life. I'm depressed the vast majority of the time and notice myself having fewer and fewer outlets. I've lost a handful of really close friends and am afraid to reach out because I just alienate people. Everything feels fragile. I feel unlovable. The organizing work I'm doing requires so much emotional labor (I'm not talking the femme "I talk to my boyfriend about his feelings" kind, I'm talking the ״I'm going to facilitate a workshop about violence preventing for 6 hours" type and every day I go home and feel drained and disposable. I don't see a future for myself, I only see myself losing more and more people.

[missxxworldxx]

you know, those days you relive a traumatic situation while stuck at work

[missxxworldxx]

I'm really self conscious about the fact that, despite being physically active and weight training, I am technically overweight according to the BMI. My "set weight" is overweight. I know it's ridiculous and yet it drives me up the wall

[missxxworldxx]

Transference

It's really hard for me to feel empathetic towards loud / messy / histrionic totally straight girls who have boyfriends, because as a gay woman i don't feel as though i have the privilege to be messy in front of another person. there are only so many people who i can afford to push away, there are only so many people

[missxxworldxx]

october 23rd 2003 was the day i was checked into a psych unit. 

i knew it was coming up and probably related to why i’ve been so down recently, it took a bit of snooping thru old online journals to remember the exact timeline.

wild to think how much and how little has changed over the past 13 years.

my favorite band is still hole 

[missxxworldxx]

three years ago, i broke up with my partner, and i haven’t gotten over it. everybody told me i would start to heal and eventually be okay, but i knew that this was beyond heartbreak. i have flashbacks almost every day in which i re-live emotional chaos which went down towards the end. i trusted her with my entire life, and she cheated on me in a way which was drawn out and emotionally manipulative under the guise of “polyamory.” it’s not that simple, and i don’t ever want to depict her as a bad person. part of whats so horrible is how intrinsically wonderful and caring a person she is, and how much emotional energy i put through talking her through her other relationship. i broke up with myself for her, because she couldn’t, she felt too awful about breaking my heart. i always knew she’d be okay, she hasn't been single since. i don’t think i will ever date again. i feel like a curse has been following me since the end of the relationship. i haven’t been able to hold down a job without getting in serious trouble. i don’t feel worthy of letting new people into my life. literally nothing i’ve down to assist with “healing” has helped me feel better. this is all a ramble which  nobody will read bc nobody uses tumblr. i’m just sick of laying in bed crying, i just want to stop hurting

[missxxworldxx]

Cleaning out my moms room and found this thing I wrote when I was 16 and severely anorexic and having lots of causal sex. 13 years later I still struggle with the same self destructive impulses, but I'm trying to be strong, and hopefully I'm at least a better writer

[missxxworldxx]

When I was a freshman in college, I had this radio show with my friend on which we would talk about our eating disorders. Strangely, the two of us knew each other from the days of being hospitalized and we were each others support system during that first year. We knew that there were literally zero people who tuned into our college radio station during the hour we were assigned. We were very literally broadcasting to the world, but nobody was listening. It was too fitting of a metaphor. Tumblr, nowadays, feels like that radio show. Everybody / anybody can read this, but nobody does. There is hardly any virtual "community" left on a medium which used to draw other freaks and weirdos. Similar to how college radio died with the Internet, alt and feminist blogging culture has dissipated as the line between online journalism and social media has become blurry. I really miss livejournal. I miss having a space on the Internet where I felt like I could just process, and where everybody wasn't focused on "creating content." Without livejournal or an active tumblr community, I feel legitimately really lost and isolated. I've been regressing. Yes, I am moving forward with my career - starting my dream job as a social worker at Planned Parenthood. I have the most amazing friends. At the same time, I'm struggling a lot with my body image, and even more so with my queerness. I hate my body and am really harsh on myself when I don't lift weights or bike. I've been loosing weight as a result of excessive exercise, and lots of people are telling me how "healthy" I seem, but this is pathological more than anything. Pro tip - never complement somebody on weight loss, you don't really know what's going on with them, and being skinny shouldn't be an indicator of success. I hate myself for being queer. I feel like a fucking teenager because I'm supposed to be over that and "proud" or whatever, but damn fuck this life. I hate how there is no actual platform for me to talk about how much being gay is fucking horrible, how I wish I could will myself to feel attraction towards men, because everything on a blog nowadays is interpreted as a definitive statement - part of your brand - and my feelings are "problematic" biphobic etc. Media takes off because there is a consumer demand for it. I'm sure that there is bound to be a new media platform which brings together freaks. RN I just feel lonely as fuck and I know I probably just need a therapist but I am indignant and nostalgic and wish I could just find a chat room.

[missxxworldxx]

Here is the deal: my dad was evicted after trying to stab somebody. Court order says he can only be housed in NY State, within reasonable distance from my sister in Central Jersey, and in an assisted living facility (as opposed to psych ward or nursing home). It takes approximately 2 months for the court to make an amendment. No other assisted living will take somebody with a history of violence. Privatization of services, eh?

[processedlives]

There Are No Urban Design Courses on Race and Justice, So We Made Our Own Syllabus

Black students at Harvard’s Graduate School of Design say there are no design courses that consider race and justice. Here’s an outline for one.

There Goes the ‘Hood, by Lance Freeman, 2006

Fair and Healthy Land Use: Environmental Justice and Planning, by Craig Anthony Arnold, 2007

Aesthetics of Equity, by Craig Wilkins, 2007

Structural Inequality: Black Architects in the United States, by Victoria Kaplan, 2006

The Crisis of the African-American Architect: Conflicting Cultures of Architecture and (Black) Power, by Melvin Mitchell , 2002

Urban Planning and the African-American Community, by June Manning Thomas, 1997

Redevelopment and Race: Planning a Finer City in Postwar Detroit, June Manning Thomas, 1997

Planning Atlanta, by Harley F. Etienne and Barbara Faga, 2015  

The Black Metropolis in the 21st Century: Race, Power, and the Politics of Place, edited by Robert Bullard, 2007

Growing Smarter:  Achieving Livable Communities, Environmental Justice, and Regional Equity, edited by Robert Bullard, 2007

Just Sustainabilities: Development in an Unequal World, edited by Julian Agyeman, Robert D. Bullard and Bob Evans, 2003

Race, Poverty, and American Cities, by John Charles Boger, 1993

Black Metropolis: A Study of Negro Life in a Northern City, by St. Clair Drake and Horace R. Cayton, 1962

Everything from David Harvey

The Philadelphia Negro, by W.E.B. Dubois, 1896  

[dizzymoods]

@mizoguchi

[okaymad]

[opc-official]

space fam please confirm or deny

[area51-official]

Dolphins came from mars. Of course

[alien-unofficial]

oh no, they’ve found us

[nasa-official]

confirmed

[ithelpstodream]

[missxxworldxx]

My friend is moving across the country and posted a status asking for feedback / stories / advice about the experience of uprooting your life as an adult.I wrote a response and, for the first time, it hit me — damn, that was brave. Mind you, I was only 25 and knew a good number of people here in NYC, but still. I left a common law marriage which was going well because I decided that my personal independence and opportunities were more important to me. Choosing to move away after spending 7 (later 8) years in a relationship - relationship you have been in since your teen years - is fucking huge. Nobody believed that I was actually going to follow through with it. So much has gone down during the four years I’ve been here. I mentally collapsed, and then I picked myself back up. I still struggle with my mental health and addictions to self destructive behaviors, but overall I’m okay. I have the most amazing friends — people who I trust and respect and genuinely think are the coolest. I live in a great apartment in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in the us. I visited my ex over the weekend and, while the visit itself was fine, it hit me for the first time that I currently have a lot more love in my life. I don’t have a partner, but I have a handful of really close friends who care about me. The love is more evenly distributed. The spell was finally broken. I love and miss her, but also I think I've moved on. I left early because I didn’t want to feel the need for that emotional support when everything I need is back at home, at my new home. I have amazing friends, I have an amazing mom, im about to have an amazing job. I am lucky.

[missxxworldxx]

Posting this on tumblr where no one can see cuz I haven’t yet gone thru background checks but I just accepted a full time job at planned parenthood(!)

[lumaterian-deactivated20210529]

The Problem With Saying That ‘Everyone’ Is Queer

“It's a luxury to think of queerness as simply in opposition to being boring.”

It’s a luxury to think of queerness as simply in opposition to being boring, than in opposition to a violent system that’s literally killing people.

I speak to those who associate with us in theory, but only really in theory. I speak to those who chat up my friends at parties and on dating sites, not in the interest of actually dating, but for casual make-outs, or sexual experiments in the company of their heterosexual partners. I speak to those who read the lit and speak the jargon, but will only seek us out as fodder for their books and dissertations. I speak to those who talk a big game about not seeing gender but, unsurprisingly, don’t actually see or experience the violence many of us face. I speak to those who are praised for being bold and adventurous for adopting queerness in theory — at the expense of people who will continue to be lonely, marginalized, and abused in our society.

TEEN VOGUE. man they are good lately.

[tanacetum-vulgare]

That’s @brujacore!!! 

[missxxworldxx]

Suzy being awesome as per usual