Generally speaking my life is a lot more stable and good and I laugh with my whole self again. I have big plans for my future. Plans that I am in control of and are just for me! I am in charge of my time, my reactions, and I can show up much more fully than ever before.
My friends love me, my family loves me, my girlfriend loves me and I love them all and I feel incredibly held.
Yet.
I have really been coming to terms with her impact on my life. It really will be just as obvious and permanent as a tattoo. I still feel her everywhere in a way? In songs, places I go, jokes that only we found funny, she was my best friend for four years how could I not notice these things?
I don't miss the relationship at all. It had become too warped and twisted to resemble how people should've loved each other. We failed each other in that way. I miss my friend. I miss her cat. I miss the quietest moments that I know happened, but I have a hard time remembering the exact details.
I don't think we could be in each other's lives anymore. I'm seeing so clearly where our relationship has wounded me, and how I'm having to hard so hard to get that handled.
Months ago I would've said that I could never be okay again, that if I had fucked up this bad how could I ever do any more good. That's not true!! I am good! I can do good! I can be better and change and love and be loved (from everyone) and find uncertainty exciting! I have changed so much in such little time. I feel it somehow.
I have a girl that is so certain about me. She is so patient and soft spoken, she is able to bring me back to reality in a matter of seconds. She accepts me as I am and still holds me. I see her and I accept her too. She wants to run away together. My mom likes her. I can love again! I can love again and find something that feels right.
I look into your eyes and I know I’m in the right place
Idk. I suppose just a big reflection on where I'm at now? I'm graduating this winter. My sister is going to be a nurse. I'm moving in with one of my best friends. My life is so crazy but goddamn I am so glad it is where it is today! Sol in April couldn't see it but life is so much more vibrant and full and warm the way things are now.
harryanthe is far and away the craziest homoerotic situationship i've ever encountered in fiction. hey what if i was the first person who ever saw right through your second fiddle act and knew what you were capable of. and then you ascended to minor godhood and cannibalized someone gleefully and voluntarily and i was forced to follow you down that path and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. so i asked you to help me cut open my skull and carve out the part of me capable of grieving and you thought it was a horrible idea but you were an opportunist above all else and negotiated a favor that you would hold over my head until you were good and satisfied which might very well be never. and also you saw me without my religious vestments for the first time and fell a little in love with me. and then made my hair grow out really fast without my consent even though i keep it shorn for religious reasons and vowed to marry me one day. and then you visited me in the hospital and i kissed you with tongue to make sure you hadn't reneged on our deal and told you your sister was probably dead and so you gave me the first scrap of modesty i'd had in weeks and stabbed me in the hand. and then like a day later asked if i wanted to hold hands in girlish solidarity with you. and gave me a stupid little nickname. and i kept on associating with you because you were the only person who still called me by a name i recognized as mine. what if you were objectively the best student but i was god's favorite and we both had inferiority complexes about it. what if someone broke into my room and tried to kill me and i had a vision of myself crawling to you and pathetically begging for any scrap of comfort you deigned to give me and the kindest thing you ever did was walking away and leaving me to stitch myself back together on the bathroom floor before i had the chance. and then i fed you my own bone marrow but it was nothing personal. and you took me back to your room to sleep and didn't even make it weird so i cut your arm off and regrew it while you whimpered and moaned beneath me and in return you agreed to help me kill someone and i slept in your bed for the next couple of weeks and still you didn't make it weird. what if you did a best friend makover scene that i was deeply uncomfortable with and then told me "welcome to sisterhood" and then tried to kiss me and got mad when i didn't want to. what if i dragged you by the hand to check for monsters under my bed and you said you couldn't see them and nobody could tell whether or not you were lying. and then we got separated and you crossed a universe to find me but it wasn't even me anymore. and we were both girls. what then.
kianamaiart
annaxmalina
andulkaphoto
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
tangentwithtanner
theartofmadeline
romaincrisis
