I highkey think I should stay off the Internet and all social media.
I don’t know what influences me anymore. I don’t know what influences my thoughts anymore.
When my boyfriend and I got back together, we agreed that our relationship will stay between us. Yes, we both have our support system of friends, but ultimately, who and what dictates our relationship will be us.
1. I’m a stupid-ass, hopeless romantic that claims I’m simple and I don’t want a lot from a relationship or for myself, but I also crave the entire world (and the fact that I type sentences like “craving the entire world” is a good gauge of how heavily I can romanticize something).
2. Due to the events leading up to the breakup, the breakup itself, and the events and emotions following thereafter, I have a few friends who may or may not question the character of my boyfriend and whether or not we’re good together. And that just makes the whole, “our relationship is just us” thing very difficult. Ex. My close friend came over earlier today and asked, “How are you and your boyfriend?” and when I said that we were doing whatever (because I wasn’t feeling great, so I just kinda said whatever), he responded with, “Ah, damn”. I asked him, “What? Were you hoping for a, ‘Terrible. I hate him’ response?” and he replied, “YES”. Like, I highkey know he’s being sarcastic, but I also know he kinda sorta absolutely hates my boyfriend. So when your close friend hates the person you’re dating, and your boyfriend starts to dislike your close friend as well, EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GET MESSY.
3. I don’t know what I want in a relationship anymore. I don’t know how to feel in a relationship anymore. I just... don’t know. The problem is, there shouldn’t really be a defined right or wrong answer, right? It’s all feelings, vibes, and emotions tied to the people in the relationship. Like, one couple’s idea of a cute adventure date might not suit another. Or someone’s idea of love will be different than another’s. And because of all of those differences in opinions and my very, very weak mind, I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s as if I’m scared to have my own opinion because it won’t match another person’s, mainly my friends’. Ex. One thing I value a lot with SOs is that my friend’s and family’s opinions matter to me. Getting “approval” from them, so to speak. With my close friends kinda sorta thinking my boyfriend is an asshole because of the breakup and my family being somewhat judgmental Asians (constantly telling me that I need to whip my boyfriend into shape), I get the vibe that, you know, I probably shouldn’t be with him. The problem here is that I also want to not care about their opinion of him because I love him, I know how he treats me, and I like how I feel when I’m with him. The sense of comfort he can provide me, the smiles he gives me, all of that. And then that causes stupid cognitive dissonance in my stupid mind because my value is, “getting friends and family approval” while my actions are, “not listening to their thoughts”. Like, ultimately, everything comes down to me and my decisions, but I’m so scared that I’m losing the respect of my friends and family if I stay with someone they dislike, you know?
3.5. And with that, I don’t know if I’m settling. If my friends and family insist that I can do better, can I really? And then comes the internet. All of those posts and articles and other shit that say, “Don’t settle” or “If your SO does this, it’s over” or “Get someone who treats you like a queen everyday” or “If you feel unhappy, don’t go back” and all of that. It’s stuff like that that makes me think, “Am I settling right now??? Am I only sticking through this relationship because I’m so scared to put myself out there again? Are my insecurities so much that I don’t want to go through being single again and risk not having anyone love or care about me? Or am I fine where I am because I truly believe in this relationship, in the person I love, and in myself?” I keep constantly feeling insecure about myself and my relationship and how it could get others to view me. Like, if my friends don’t like him, what if they talk shit behind my back and comment on how stupid I am for staying with him? If my family doesn’t like him, what if they do the same? What do his friends think of me?? Again, seeing posts on the internet about how being friends with your SOs friends is so important and if your SO can’t get along with your friends, your relationship is like, gonna die, makes me think about how his friends might view me (especially when I don’t see them very often, so I either (a) forget their name or ever meeting them or (b) never know how to talk or interact with them because I don’t know what kind of people they are). I get so worried that his friends see me as just “that quiet girl” or something and that they wonder why he doesn’t date someone who’s more outgoing and sociable.
3.75. And then those insecurities of me worrying about what other people think of me just kinda reflect onto my own insecurities of, “What if I’m too awkward and quiet? Is that weird? Is he okay dating someone who’s so quiet and boring? What if his friends don’t like me because of that?” I’m usually really quiet, I really don’t talk much or have a lot of meaningful conversations with people. So when I read posts about outgoing people or sharing comfortable silences with others, I just kinda... explode in insecurities. Like, for car rides, I’m fine with just driving and listening to the radio, and sometimes if I’m not driving, I would wanna sleep (even for a 5 minute drive to the top of the parking structure). But then I wonder, is everyone else in the car okay with this?? Is it okay for me to fall asleep and leave the driver alone? Is it okay for me as the driver to not be talking to my passengers for the entire trip?? So, then I question all of my actions and become insecure about that.
4. As a summary from the other 3.75 points, the internet is literally just growing my insecurities for me. I feel like if I don’t do things a certain way, then it’s just wrong and I will just end up driving people away from me. I’m scared to be my own person, to have my own opinions, to stand up for myself. I project myself onto others, I spread myself so thin to so many social groups, to have so many surface level relationships, that I don’t even know how to have friends anymore. I’m so insecure about my friendships (yes, even my friendships with my bestest and closest of friends) because I feel like I just don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I feel like my friends are so lively around each other, and have so much fun, but when it comes to being around me, we’re just chilling and it’s like a whatever time. And I just blame myself for that. And I’m scared that because I see my friends so little, and that we have just kinda whatever times together, they’ll realize that and just get bored and leave or we just kinda drift away because I just suck at communicating.
I keep telling myself that I want a break from social media but I can’t because I’m so involved in my organization and all these other events, that I have to stay on and keep up my forms of communication. But honestly, I think I’m also afraid of just not being caught up and up to date with certain events and memes or whatever that I truly won’t know how to talk to people and I don’t want people to just be like, “Oh, you don’t know about ___?” and treat me like I’m a dumbass.
I just want to get off the internet and social media because I honestly think that’s why I’ve become so insecure and “weak minded” with myself.
I used to be so good at not caring. I used to embrace the “fuck what others think” mindset while still being able to maintain a good image of myself that others respect, but more importantly, an image that I loved of myself.
I used to love myself more than this. And I don’t know what happened other than the fact that I’ve had two relationships, and I’ve been online a lot more often than before.
I want to be able to go back to who I was. I might have grown from some experiences, but I’ve also lost myself, and I want to find her again. The me who was strong and wasn’t tired of it. The me who loved herself and didn’t care if someone else didn’t. The me who loved her body for what it was and didn’t care about all of the “flab”. The me who was confident.
It’s funny how... Everyone around me is growing so much. Loving themselves more, becoming more confident, becoming less anxious, and doing what’s good for them. While I’m here going backwards, drowning in my insecurities, probably destroying myself with my anxiety, and slowly feeling like I’m just wasting away as a useless human being. I’ve been going hella backwards, and it’s a really bad trip.
Maybe next month I can kill off my social media. I can focus on myself during my favorite month, and cleanse my mind for the new year (I hate that I believe in shit like that and doing cycles like that, but it helps for good energy).