TRANSPARENCY

Still a work in progress. Always lost. Not stopping. No one will ever understand unless you dive deep.

[blessedbeyondallbelief]

[mjpenazo]

Life lately.

Nov 28, 2024 - 10:28PM

At home, drinking alone, husband at work (a little faraway), kids asleep. Just me and my Pink Moscato (with Christmas lights and candle light).

A very peaceful evening. Scrolling. Watching. Drinking. Vape.

It is my vibe. I love being alone (sometimes). I get butterflies in my stomach (is that weird?). A few calm moments. And at some point, i miss dadeng (my husband).

As much as I enjoy being by myself. I’d still choose to enjoy this moment with him.

Maybe this is the reality of a person in his/her early thirties, hehe. Or just mine?

Anyway, life is amazing and He is extremely incredible, we are so blessed, whatever the situation is. A loving husband. The perfect soulmate. My wonderful kids. My little family.

Thank you, Lord!

And, yes.. i miss you Tumblr 🥲

[mjpenazo]

I am writing this because I dont want to forget the feeling that I felt about this dream.

In my dream, me and my husband are not talking, are we in a fight? So i decided to go and spend a few days including my birthday with closest friends.

There I saw an old friend, and immediately my (our) feelings rekindled. I made the first move and eventually. We went to EK and spend the day like love birds (kissing, holding hands, making out etc.).

It was a magical feeling. I felt warmth, peace, love… it felt like home. I dont want it to end. It feels surreal. He made me the happiest person on earth. I love him. I want him.

I can’t remember the last time I felt like this. It’s like I’m willing to give anything just to be with him.

After a few scenarios (in my dream), it became difficult as my friends (maris and anne — in my dream) is making a reality check. If everything that happened is just a product of being under the influence of alcohol or if it is real.

I remember anne telling me that everyone (at EK) are looking at us, and as we are going thru the reality check, I felt immediate guilt. Guilt for my husband, and guilt for “being guilty” with what I did with this wonderful person (because i dont want to make him feel that i regret what happened).

The dream ended with me thinking that it was my birthday and my husband didn’t even bother to txt or call and that i realized that it’s his birthday in a few days so I better get back home.

That was when I woke up, and realized that my husband in that dream is my husband now (in real world) and the old friend in my dream is also him. That “old friend” jim. My best friend, my insan.

When I woke up, I felt so sad. I miss jim. My best friend, my insan. I almost cried because of the pain that I felt inside when I try to remember my dream. Pain because I dont want it to end. I want to spend more time with him. I want to be with him. I love him so much.

Pain because I remember how I felt during that dream. It was a very happy, intimate, peaceful, lovely moment. Pain because it ended.

When I realized the he (the old friend) and my husband is the same person. I realized how things changed between me and my husband. We are not in a fight right now (unlike the one in my dream), we are okay. We are fine. Maybe I just miss the old him. Back when we were still dating, back when we were still friends.. best friends.

[theeternalwomb]

You don’t teach your children not to hit people by hitting them.

You don’t teach your children not to scream by screaming at them.

You don’t teach your children to be respectful by disrespecting them.

You don’t teach your children how to do anything by subjecting them to physical, emotional, or verbal abuse as a form of discipline.

The type of parents you have makes all the difference and when someone has good and secure parents and comes from a loving and safe home it eliminates them having to suffer from trauma built up in a place that’s meant to be safe for them and inflicting that same pain on others. I hope that this generation grows up to be better parents and heals from the things our parents have done to them.

[littlemisspascal]

[iglovequotes]

[mjpenazo]

Why do I keep on dreaming stuffs I shouldn't?

[mjpenazo]

Again.

[hopeloveandpray]

[mjpenazo]

Dec 4, 2023 — a date that broke my heart.. but on a silver lining, it will save us from future chaos #maxi

[mebssann]

Marceline <3

[iglovequotes]

[mjpenazo]

Tumblr over anything else, periodt.

[spreekilling-deactivated2017020]

2:50pm, June 2014

[mjpenazo]

September 16, 2023, 10:30am

[f-like-m]

R Howey

[mjpenazo]

Today, me and my husband got a very simple, quick but deep "fight". His usual phrases but different tone and it hits different. Cold. My response was "sorry" and my tone is different too. It makes him more frustrated. Why did I answer with that tone? I was offended. And then I chose silence. My mind and body had enough work and stress. And I decided not to distract my whole day of never ending chores and duties to that interaction with my spouse. Sometimes I think it's not worth it. The fight. For me it's exhausting. But because I chose silence, it keeps me up this late. Unconsciously stuck to that moment. Overthinking. Tired. Usually these type of sharing ends with a realization or learnings when you write it like this. But as for me, none. My thoughts ends here.

[mjpenazo]

“If you like someone, wait. Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too. Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before. Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy. Get up earlier and watch the sun come up. Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm. Meet someone new, even just a friend. Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them. Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in. Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are. Listen to new music. Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them. It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day. Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section. Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad. Make new memories. Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience. Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people. Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time. Learn to love every bit of yourself.”

— How To Feel Better And Become Better by Me (via exoticwild)

[mjpenazo]

Writing

I forgot how writing made me so free

writing the thoughts in my head

telling stories for strangers to read

i forgot how i love to rhyme words

how i bravely carry swords

how my head produce these thoughts

and how my hands turn it to quotes

oh how i miss writing

i see myself smiling

this is what i want to do

so im sharing this to you

hope i made your day

thats all i have to say

#random