Braintame

A Trans Hmong Tub Blogger

[mkvue]

I received a call from Dr. Salim’s office yesterday. It seems there may be a chance I can get stage 1 bottom surgery soon. They called to ask for my availability and I am pretty much open to any date as soon as possible since my paperwork is all filled out to my employer. From what I was told, they are working on a letter to submit to Kaiser in order to accept inpatient surgeries.

Now I’m super happy I got this call but I’m also bummed too because I’ve been applying for promotional positions. I’m a little conflicted but we shall see how everything goes. Hopefully, things fall into place and I don’t stress myself out so much!

[mkvue]

Postponed.

Yesterday, my assigned social worker called and told me that my stage 1 bottom surgery will be postponed. I played it off cool and responded in the most professional manner but to be honest, I was filled with so much emotion.

I was told that due to covid-19, and being an outpatient surgery, I would take up resources (PPE). I have spent months mentally preparing myself for this operation and I have spent weeks frustrated trying to figure out medical leave paperwork back and forth with Kaiser and my job. 

I am upset.

I am angry.

I am stressed.

But i understand.

But I am so damn disappointed.

This is strike 3 for me that my surgery date didn’t go through. I told myself, if it doesn’t go through the 3rd time, it must mean something. At this point, I feel all hope has gone out the window.

[mkvue]

My surgery date is back on 👀

[mkvue]

A mother’s loss.

In the passed year, I’ve been focusing on myself and keeping busy with school, work and social outings to break the stress. I haven’t really been around family until lately, before quarantine happened. I didn’t realize how much I’ve missed hanging out with my siblings. We don’t always get along, but I love them to the end of this earth. Last week, I went to see my parents for my mothers 67th birthday. For the time that I got to see her, I noticed how much she has aged from when I last lived with her. When I got home, I began to feel so angry with myself. I have accomplished so much from the time I’ve kept myself away but I regret not seeing my parents as much as I could have. 

A little bit of a background for you, my parents came to America in the midst of the ending of the Vietnam War. Before that, my father was recruited by the United States Army to fight against the Vietnam-communists. He was barely 12 years old, holding a military rifle almost his height. My mother lost her first twin children, one boy and one girl. I’ve only heard her talk about this 3x in my life. On my visit to see my mother last week, she told me about a shaman that she and my little sister went to see. The shaman brand new to our family, knows nothing about us. She asked my mother if she had lost any children, maybe 2. My mother said yes. Unbeknownst to her, the shaman said there are 2 infant spirits in front of her. She informed my mother that they have been looking for her for a very long time. Over 50 years, they have been lost... Her twins had found their way back to our mother thanks to my little sister’s spirit guides. My mother goes on to tell me how the shaman sent her twin babies free by carrying them on a Dai Nyia into the land of peace (“heaven”). I watched my mothers lips tremble slightly as she tried hard to keep herself from showing the deep emotions she’s held onto for so long. I patted her on her shoulder and told her I was happy that they are finally at peace. I couldn’t help but feel this heaviness in my heart, as if I took on my mother’s loss. 

When I got home that day, I began to reflect on our conversation. I reminisced about all the stories my parents have told me over the years. Little did I know how much these stories resonated deep within their own experiences and emotions. I will never know the trauma my parents experienced during the Vietnam War and their final escape to America, but one thing I will always keep in my mind is their never ending love for us.  Folks, love your parents. You’re all they have in this life.

[mkvue]

Fear.

Sometimes I think to myself, “should I get bottom surgery?”

I fear that my surgery will become one of the botched stories of phalloplasty. I fear that I would have complications and that my body will be in a spiral of endless corrective surgeries. When that fear creeps out from the back of my mind, it makes me rethink getting surgery. This is something that I have been battling with. The uncertainty of the results from phalloplasty frightens me. Will I be able to be mentally and physically strong enough to withstand years of going under the knife?

As much as there is fear in me, there is also this voice that tells me, “if you don’t do this now, you’ll regret it.” For years, I’ve held off from bottom surgery. If I let this fear take over me again, I may float back into depression. I know I’m letting the worst get to me and I have to be stronger than this. For now, I just need to focus on my well-being. pray for me 🙏🏼

[mkvue]

Here is an illustration video of bottom surgery for those who are curious of how this surgery is staged.

[mkvue]

Surgery Date!

Yesterday I received my tentative surgery date for stage 1 phalloplasty on June 29, 2020. I am awaiting confirmation that all surgeons will be available for that date. Stage 1 phalloplasty involves vaginectomy and repositioning of the urethra. It will take 6 weeks to heal from this procedure and then I can move on to stage 2.

[mkvue]

NY Resolutions

I know it seems cliché to say, "new year, new me" but there's got to be some goals set for the new year right? I started out my new year with some cardio on the treadmill and some abdominal workouts. I must say, it's been a while since I pushed myself this hard, so I am definitely feeling sore today.

It is true what they say, when people get into relationships they become comfortable. Comfortability has its positives and its negatives. It's great to feeling to feel comfort and security with your partner but with that comfort can sometimes bring some hurdles with self love. Yes, when we are happy, we are allowed to indulge in all the world has to offer. This can be a very slippery slope into euphoria and as soon as you know it, you're 20-30lbs heavier with a susceptibility to health problems.

The past year, I have been experiencing heart burn, gerd, and indigestion. It is not fun at all! I definitely let myself go these past few years. I decided that it's time I take control of my health and work towards a better physique and better eating habits. Not only for myself, but for my future little Johnny (phalloplasty). I've quit smoking cigarettes and quit drinking beer. Sadly, beer has been my "best friend" for years and the consequences have finally caught up to me. I've made plenty of poor health choices this past decade due to no self-control and discipline.

Whatever your new years resolution is, I hope you push hard to reach your goals! In the beginning it may seem tough, but just keep pushing through because at the end it will all be worth it.

[mkvue]

Onward to 2020.

This year has been one of the most productive in my 29 years of living. Thanks to my job and it's benefits, I was able to go back to college for free. My wife and I moved into a bigger place with a much more affordable rent. We are on path with our plans to own a home within 3 years (don't get me started on CA's housing market). But as much positives we have had this year, there were also some negative and sad moments. These things we cannot change. A wise man once said;

"Time never waits but keeps flowing. Not only does time flow unhindered but, correspondingly, our lives too keep moving onward all the time. If something goes wrong, we cannot turn back time and try again. In that sense, there is no genuine second chance"

Goodbye 2019. Hello 2020.

[mkvue]

Let’s catch you up.

Hello Tumblr,

It's been about a decade since I've last blogged on this platform. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Muaj Kooj (a.k.a. MK) Vue, originally known in the trans community as “Liam”. I started my transition in the year of 2011 with hormone therapy. In 2012, I flew to Florida to have my double incision top surgery done by Dr. Garramone. This surgery was paid out of pocket costing me about $9,000 including hotel and travel. After I healed, I decided to start Accutane treatment in 2012, as I had severe cystic acne after starting hormone therapy. This helped a lot with controlling my massive breakouts.

A couple years into healing and working out my chest, I noticed there was an imbalance in my muscles. This made me feel very dysphoric, so after many years of contemplation, I decided to go in for another consultation in April of 2018 with Dr. Gurjala to get it corrected. I am much more happy with the results now.

Between 2012 and 2013, I suffered from painful and unbearable cramps. I have not had a menstrual cycle since being on hormones. My obstetrician-gynecologist informed me that there wasn't much she could do for me as the treatment for my cramping would contradict with my testosterone, and we don't want that. In 2014, I decided to have a full hysterectomy done through Kaiser's women's health clinic. With this surgery, the pain I had been suffering from was eliminated but along came post-menopause. This means I would have low estrogen which leaves you at risk for osteoporosis, heart disease and genitourinary atrophy. After a year of healing from having a hysterectomy, I did start to feel more fatigued than normal.

If there is one thing that I regret from having a full hysterectomy, it would be that I did not opt to freeze my eggs. I was pulled back by the yearly cost of storing them. But hey, it's too late now and there's always other options for having children like In Vitro Fertilization, surrogacy, or adoption.

Bottom surgery has always been something that floated in the back of my mind. After endless research on phalloplasty, I had my first consultation with Dr. Chen in 2015. After meeting with him, I felt confident and set my date for ALT phalloplasty in October 2016. Sadly, when my surgery date nearly arrived, Dr. Chen left the practice. I was left to float around, waiting for a call to see what my options were. I decided that I would hold off on bottom surgery since I did not feel comfortable with a new surgeon.

In 2017, Kaiser no longer worked with doctors outside of their network. I was informed that Dr. Salim would be the head surgeon to perform bottom surgery for their transgender clinic. I went in for a consultation in August of 2017. Though I did not feel 100% sure of him, I decided to set a date anyway for May 2018. That would give me at 9 months to do more research on him and mentally prepare myself. Came April 2018, I received a call from a job that I applied for. I was given the great news of an attentive offer that I could not refuse. I decided to cancel my surgery date and start my career in May 2018. I was given a one year probation with this job position. It has now been 1 year and 7months and I am very happy of my decision to delay bottom surgery.

Today, I am happy to say that I'm finally in a content place in my life where I don't foresee anything that will stop me from getting bottom surgery. My job is secured, my finances are in control, and I will be finished with my degree next spring. I had my "brush-up" consultation with Dr. Salim a couple of weeks ago. I will be having ALT bottom surgery this coming summer of 2020.

Though my current life situation is content, there are things around me that are quite influential to my mental state of mind. I think it is important to talk about these matters and why it affects us the way it does. This blog is not only meant for my personal experience through the stages of phalloplasty but also other things in my life I feel is good to talk about ranging from relationships, culture, religion, and more.